Getting in the mood when sex is difficult for you

[Mamamovingnorth]

I love my husband loads. He’s amazing and endlessly, endlessly understanding and patience with my situation. He has said he’d have a sex free marriage if it’s what I wanted.

It isn’t. I want to have sex. Sex is important to me and it’s important to me that he feels loved in every way. I also tend to enjoy sex when we do it but I put it off/ get anxious and struggling to feel sexy. Any hints?

(Full disclosure, was raped many years ago but very much keen to keep pushing for sex to be a loving part of my relationship with DH)

Could you agree to do things which are more sensual / like foreplay? Eg massaging each other / staying partly clothed etc etc so there’s no pressure on being fully undressed or on penetration? Then, if things progress at your instigation you might feel much more comfortable.

Find what works for you
Bath/shower/having shaved legs/putting nice body lotion or lingerie on
Might be cuddling or kissing or something daft like the house being clean or clean bedding on

Definitely get reading some naughty books! It's all about imagination etc for me so if your in the right head space everything else will follow.

Honestly this is probably terrible advice and I feel like I'm betraying my feminist values by suggesting you do it when you're not in the mood but ... if Dh and I start to get into flatmate mode and I'm not in the mood I stay upstairs for a bit and read a bit of smut on my phone (literotica website usually). I will add a warning though that there's a lot on that website that's a bit 'niche' and has had the exact opposite effect when I've accidentally clicked on it!

I think, maybe, why not try with something more subtle - to build the tension for yourself and for him. Wear something that you feel sexy in - even under your clothes (like stockings instead of tights - I always act differently and feel differently when I know I’ve got them on!), teasing, whispering, eating, sexting, complimenting. Let it build, so you can benefit from it too - hopefully building your desire too