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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand how some fathers can be such shits?

14 replies

justamumseekingadvice · 12/02/2022 19:19

There is a long history of domestic violence with my ex-partner and because of the things that have happened, CAFCASS have stopped contact between my daughter and her father until the courts decide whether any contact at all is safe or in her best interest.

He hasn’t seen her for over 3 months - since October/November last year. I was at first keeping in contact indirectly such as sending photos, updates, videos of daughter to him on a regular basis, but every time I did this he would turn the conversation back to contact and be abusive and manipulative.

I now send updates via my solicitor and he hasn’t responded yet alone acknowledged a single of one them including updates letting him know that daughter has been unwell - he hasn’t even asked the solicitor if she has recovered or okay now.

He has literally just acted like she doesn’t exist all these weeks and months, and has gotten on with his life. He still has mutual friends on his social media and they said that he has been out drinking with his mates, going out doing fun activities, laughing and joking all the time and basically acting like he is living his best life even though he claims to miss his daughter so much and can’t function without her.

AIBU to think how can some men be such lousy fathers and such shits?!

I genuinely couldn’t function without my daughter - couldn’t get out of bed, would be suicidal - not out with my mates going to arcades, bowling and restaurants!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/02/2022 19:24

Imo you do your dd no favours trying to encourage any sort of relationship. Whip the band aid off and stop bothering..
My ex walked away when dd was 2. I embraced the chance to raise a great dd without his half arsed efforts.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 12/02/2022 19:25

My ex, with hindsight dumped his older 2 kids and moved in with someone and took on her kids. They split, he gave me all the 'crazy ex' stories, I was 19 (he was in his 30s but that's another story) and fell for his lies. We had 4 dc and he hasn't seen them for years, plays daddy of the year to his new victims kids though, to the point where he cut his hours to look after them/pay less maintenence for his own kids. I am now the crazy ex.

His loss, absolute twat. These men just seem to have an out of sight, out of mind mentality.

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2022 19:29

Yes but apparently 50/50 is in the best interests of children and we are big meanies

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 19:34

My ex hasn’t seen our children since January 2021! So over a year, Doesn’t pay maintenance either

Nailsbythesea · 12/02/2022 19:34

Because they are selfish pricks.
They like a toy to play with but not a child to parent. A toy to play with and drop back when you have had enough playing with it. Fuck paying, doing homework and all the other day to day shit.

My ex suggested that he take the kids out twice a month on Sundays with me paying eg trip to the zoo and that he would be happy with that wtf?
Then he focussed on his money and paying the minimum needed for csa and his own hobbies and whines that he ‘doesn’t see them’ because it gives him the society sympathy vote poor dad trying to see his children -vomit

littleowls83 · 12/02/2022 19:40

My Dad was not abusive, was just a shitty father and had no interest in his kids for years at a time, and certainly no interest whatsoever in paying for anything. If you are not his child, he is quite a nice guy. So no, not at all surprised some men are shit fathers. But on the whole, if they can't be arsed, the kids are better off without them. It's taken a long time to get this calm on the topic though...

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2022 20:20

My ex is suddenly interested in his children again after two years he is now pushing them to see his girlfriend I smell another engagement on the cards I don't mind him introducing them to his girlfriend but he always does this ignores them gets a girlfriend ignores them a bit more introduces them to said girlfriend tells them they are going to be another mum to them they are going to have a happy life with a dog a room of there own going to stay over hang out play games have fun no homework away from boring "old" mum (I'm 4 years older than him)

In 7 years its never happened for 7 years I've dealt with the fallout of his poor choices im constantly told im a mean person for "not letting him have them" seriously he has let them down so much they don't WANT TO GO I arranged with his mother to introduce them to his girlfriend (ds has anxiety I thought nan being around would make it easier) they changed plans last minute now his girlfriend thinks I'm crazy and controlling I've done nothing to her but he has told her "stories" same as he did with his last fiance

I wish I could pack them up and move away

Mummytobe93 · 12/02/2022 20:24

Looks like you got away from a psycho @justamumseekingadvice . I’d stay away from him unless he reaches out …

justamumseekingadvice · 12/02/2022 20:47

Unfortunately I can’t just wait until he reaches out because it’s currently going through court (I made the application seeking indirect contact instead of direct contact because of some incidents that had happened) but I really hope this is just another thing that goes against him and shows the judge what a crappy father he is! X

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 12/02/2022 20:54

The bar is set incredibly low for men. I call them out now.

I hope the court gives the appropriate level of contact to keep you and DD safe.

If he doesn’t follow through with contact please don’t knock yourself out trying to maintain the relationship.

loopycurtains · 12/02/2022 21:44

@Nailsbythesea Appropriate name because you just nailed it. A toy to play with rather than a child to parent. Soooooo true!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/02/2022 22:08

My abusive ex met DD(6) once when she was a newborn, when I was under extreme pressure from multiple sources.

He’s never been arsed since, and I’m fucking glad for it.

justamumseekingadvice · 12/02/2022 22:27

Literally the last few weeks and months without him being involved have been fucking bliss @BitcherOfBlakiven! My daughter hasn’t even asked about him and has a cracking smile on her face everyday!

To be honest I’m kind of glad he hasn’t bothered because I think that shows what he is gonna end up doing long term and hopefully we can continue getting on with our lives! X

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/02/2022 22:29

Enjoy it OP Flowers

DD6 is my youngest DD, I have 2 older ones from a previous relationship and as hard as it was on my own with 3, it was far, far easier than it would have been trying to co-parent with him.

I still get shit for now not “letting him see her” - can’t say no if I’ve never been fucking asked, can I?! And of course, I would say no because he’s an addict, can’t keep a job, can’t keep a roof over his head… He’s only got worse since we broke up.

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