AIBU re partner's inheritance

[greenbirds]

I've never posted before and have changed my username, but have been lurking on these threads for a long time.

I have been with my partner for more than 25 years and we have four teenage children together. He has some good qualities, but communication isn't one of them. Throughout our relationship he has always been impossible to have meaningful conversations with about pretty much anything: children, finances, family, employment, holidays, marriage etc. An example is that we are not married and, whenever I have brought the subject up, he just says that 'it's not important'. I have tried to explain why it is important to me - commitment, family stability, financial stability etc. - but he just says 'it's not important', but won't explain why not. Our first child was very unplanned when I was quite young (he is a few years older) and at the time we discussed that marriage would not be the right decision as we hadn't been together long. Mumsnet wasn't around for advice 25 years ago, or perhaps I would have insisted, but at the time I was happy with this decision.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I work full-time across a couple of jobs and am the higher wage earner after he was made redundant a few years ago and ended up taking a new job at a much lower salary. I had to step up from part-time work to full-time work. I also do the majority of household tasks, family admin & care of our teenagers, and we have never had any family help with childcare etc. I have asked many times for him to step up and do more, but nothing changes for more than a day or two.

I am exhausted. Work has been very stressful throughout the pandemic, and older teenagers going through GCSEs, A levels, university, university exams, university applications etc has been challenging. Add to this covid-19, including my partner being admitted to hospital with covid-19. and it has been a tough couple of years.

Sadly, my partner's mother and a sibling died of covid-19 early in 2021. This was very difficult for him and I have tried to be supportive and help as much as possible. His family are from another culture and quite traditional, so all the inheritance has been left to him (the only boy) directly rather than shared with his four siblings (all girls).

Not long after his mother died he mentioned the inheritance and asked my opinion on what he should do. He mentioned paying off our mortgage (which would be wonderful). We own our house jointly and equally. I suggested that it would be fairer to split the inheritance with his siblings, as this would still leave plenty for him and it doesn't seem fair that they should 'miss out' because they are women. He seemed supportive of my suggestion and mentioned that he would sell his mum's house.

Fast forward to now, a year or so later. As far as I know he hasn't done anything to move things forward (he is the executor). I found out by chance that he has let his mum's house out to a family friend. No income from the rental has come near our family account. He hasn't mentioned again paying off the mortgage or using any of the money for our family. I have asked a couple of times whether he has started sorting out the finances, but he just says 'I need to do it' and then apparently does nothing.

My AIBU is that we are financially struggling. I work too much as if I don't then we can't make ends meet each month. I am exhausted and my health is suffering. I feel the teenagers don't get a very good mum these days as I am permanently exhausted. If even a small amount of his inheritance could be used to help our financial situation then I could reduce my working hours slightly and maybe feel more human. Is this greedy of me? Am I being unreasonable? I am not a materialistic person. I don't need new cars, expensive clothes, jewellery etc, but it would make such a difference if the pressure could be reduced slightly. Money has never historically been something we argue about and I don't want to start now, but I feel like I'm heading for burnout if something doesn't change soon. Even as I type this I can feel the stress building and like I can't breathe.

I can't talk to him about it as he has shrugged me off the couple of times I've asked whether he's sorting things out and I fear he will just think I'm being greedy. He seems oblivious to the fact that I can't keep on like this for much longer, but nothing changes if I try to explain how I'm feeling. It's hard to explain to people what it's like living with someone who you just can't communicate freely with, but I know that nothing I say to him will help.

AIBU to think it would be helpful if a small amount of his inheritance could be used to support our family, which might mean I could work a little less (say 35 hours a week instead of 40 hours?), even if he has changed his mind about paying off our mortgage?

Where is the rental income going then?

YANBU. Tell him that you are too exhausted to cook, clean, shop or do laundry and you need to clear up what is happening with the rental income and inheritance.

If he is the executor he has a legal duty to settle the estate.

It sounds tough OP. He may not communicate well but I see from your post that you communicate very clearly. You need to spell it out to him. Even if he doesn't give much of a response he needs to understand how much you're struggling. If it's difficult to talk to him could you write a letter with everything you've said here? What's happening to the rental income?

Close your purse to DP; stop running the household.. Just do your paid job. Buy and eat delicious lunches while you're at work; you deserve it and you need good nutrition. Don't skimp on the cost.

Tell feckless DP and your teenagers it's their turn to step up and do all the stuff you're no longer doing. You are not their skivvy.

However messy and inconvenient the household becomes, ignore it. If they don't shop, cook and launder , just let them run out of supplies and clean clothes, and go hungry.

Stiffen your back bone, don't give in and don't back down.

YANBU at all. I would not bring up the inheritance though. I’d just say: I’m exhausted from working full time and doing all the housework. I’m going to reduce my hours and will earn £x less per month. What shall we do to make up the shortfall? Put the ball completely in his court.

He’s the greedy fucker OP.

He's let the rental for free? Where is that money?

It's ironic you're the high earner and that you run the house etc but he's happy to take all the inheritance and not even discuss dividing it with his Sisters? That would be my first conversation with him. That stinks.

YANBU. I’m in shock reading your post OP. You do so much and he has had an easy ride for so long, on your back and at the expense of your health and mental health. Of course it’s not selfish at all for you to ask him to use the inheritance to make your home life a little more fair and to give you more energy for your children.
You sound like a lovely person but a doormat. Why are you putting up with this? Your life is precious.

It’s also extremely suspicious that he has never used the rent money to contribute. What is he doing with that cash? You have a right to ask.

I genuinely don’t see how you’ve been with someone you can’t talk to for 25 years

Why bother asking him about it? You have no claim over it; you’re not married

He’s a selfish arsehole and quite frankly I don’t see the point of him

Money has never historically been something we argue about

No it seems to shockingly be something you dont talk about which is why you dont argue

You cant continue to avoid this - talk to him and then if that doesnt work you need to get angry

My god, how have you spent 25 years with a man you can't communicate with? That must be so shit.

He's in it for himself, clearly. Whether you have any claim on the money since you're not married, I don't know. But he's clearly a selfish fucker, who has ground you down.

I just despair reading these threads. You say MN wasn't around 25 years ago but what difference would it have made? It exists now and you are still allowing yourself to be taken for an absolute fool.

At the end of the day you can't change anyone but yourself. After this amount of time the chance he will stop being so selfish is minimal but you can do something about how much pressure you are under. For an absolute starter, this:

I also do the majority of household tasks, family admin & care of our teenagers
Needs to stop. Anything not directly inviting the kids just don't do it. I 100% guarantee you that it isn't easy after so long being the one shouldering all the family workload but on the other hand it will help with you feeling like this.

I am exhausted and my health is suffering. I feel the teenagers don't get a very good mum these days as I am permanently exhausted

Rather than you skivvyng after him helping your children in any way, it is hindering them by teaching them a poor example of what adulthood and family life should be and more importantly depriving them of a happy mother. You are the only mum they will get and you owe it to them to put yourself first sometimes for your own wellbeing.

@Shoxfordian. I used to think it was my fault that we couldn't communicate. I thought maybe I was approaching things the wrong way. I couldn't comprehend why we just couldn't have a conversation about important things. We got along very well as long as I don't want a more serious discussion about anything. Then one day I came to realise that actually I wasn't the problem where communication was concerned. If I've learnt one thing though, it's that you can't change someone else, however hard you try, unless they want to as well.

Re the inheritance, I don't want any 'claim' to it. It's his - he can choose to share it with his sisters or not, whatever he choses. It would just be really helpful, if maybe a couple of hundred pounds a month could be contributed to our family finances so I could reduce my working hours slightly. There is enough that this wouldn't dent it much.

We have never argued about money as until he was made redundant we always had enough. We've never been wealthy (not even higher rate tax payers), but we were okay. We wouldn't have had four children otherwise. We're not big spenders and can be content with small things. Money has only become an issue since his salary dropped by 60% after he chose to take a new job at just above minimum wage and ignored the ramifications financially. Hence I had to step up and move to full-time.

To those not understanding why I choose to be 'taken for a fool, believe me, I have done my best. I simply can't afford to leave and the affect on our teenagers would be huge at this point in their lives. They are very supportive of me and aren't blind, but they love him too. I don't 'skivvy' after them, but also expect to do the basics around the house. If you visited, you will see that it is certainly not immaculate and I don't wait on everybody hand and foot!

@SallyWD Thank you for your kindness. I have had access to some counselling through work and she said something very similar. I could write a letter and explain myself (again), but I think he wouldn't really address anything I say. If I said 'Please may I have £2000' he would probably give it to me, but that's not the same as sharing some of what you have freely and voluntarily, and it would be so much more preferable to have a conversation and agree a more sustainable solution.

Do you think he’s struggling with loosing his family members which is why he’s not selling the house?

I feel very sorry for his siblings.

I think the big issue here is him not pulling his weight around the house and with the children - I would be tackling this more than anything.
You’re both working FT so everything else should be split 50/50.

Money has only become an issue since his salary dropped by 60% after he chose to take a new job at just above minimum wage and ignored the ramifications financially. Hence I had to step up and move to full-time

I see this is the real issue isn't it. He's decided to work less, and instead of using the inheritance, or the rent from the property, to top up his wages he's decided to lay the responsibility onto you (unfair) and also keep the rent money for himself (unfair)

You can't talk about this because if you try he goes off on one.

Maybe instead of talking, you tell him. 'I can't work X hours a week to make up for you working less any more because of my health, you need to start bringing in Y money to the household from Z date'. And then on Z date go back to your old hours.

How many hours a week does he do?

There are so many traditional men around who don't believe in marriage. It always only benefits them.

@CrappyXmasMarket Not exactly. His change in income was about 4/5 years ago when he was made redundant and then took a much lower paid job. I had to start working full time rather than part time to try to bridge the gap.

We are both responsible for our finances, so if the only way to make things work is for us both to work full time, then so be it. However, a few years down the line I am really struggling with full time work AND doing pretty much everything else. As for many others, the pandemic has added many additional stresses.

I just don't understand why, when he is now in a position to contribute a little more financially to our family without having to work addition hours, he is choosing not to do so. He would benefit too not having such a knackered partner!

@wonderfulyou Yes, that is a possibility. It is his decision to sell or not sell the house, but I wish he would just communicate about it and be more open. Re his siblings, it won't have come as a surprise to them, but it isn't fair, hence why I encouraged him to share things equally. He has lived in the UK nearly his whole life so can't see why he needs to support this outdated cultural tradition when he has consciously moved away from the culture in many ways.

We both work about 40 hours/week in our employment, so both contributing in that respect. My job has more responsibility and is probably more stressful though. I also do way more on the home front, which is why I would love to step back just a little from paid work if possible

''he has let his mum's house to a family friend'' you said but there is no money coming into any account you know of? Perhaps ''friend'' is not paying any rent (I suspect?) so DH is not getting any rent money and does not want to pursue the matter with his DF or actually is letting his DF stay there rent fee? Can you not give DP a time limit to come up with some answers and rent money from this house or else insists it goes up for sale - never mind the friend? You need very sharp words with DP not a discussion and straight answers to straight questions about the family's finances and your work load.

YANBU.

If the children are teenagers or older, surely they should be helping with household chores ?

If you are unmarried, I don't think that you have any rights to his inheritance money & property. Nor any say in what he chooses to do.

However, if he is renting out the property, he has certainly responsibilities as a landlord & he should declare the income to HMRC via self assessment. It becomes more complicated if the property is owned by his sisters too.

It is usually recommended not to make any big decisions after someone has passed away. So perhaps he doesn't wish to sell the property or he is taking time to decide what to do.

As you are not married, I would ensure that you e your own finances are stable with savings & pension. Now may not be the best time to decrease your working hours

Thanks to everyone who commented - it's really interesting to see what you think.

I do get the impression that some people think I want a 'claim' to his inheritance or some 'right' to dictate what he does with it. Even if we were married I think it would be greedy to assume that I had any claim to it or to dictate what he does. It is his family's money, not mine, whether we are married or not. I tried in my original post to illustrate that I have always encouraged him to share with his sisters. It is his decision what to do and when to do it, but a little bit of openness would be very helpful. I also don't understand why he is so oblivious to my wellbeing and doesn't consider using a little part of it to relieve the pressure on us. A quarter of a month's rent would mean I could drop a half day per week, giving me a little bit of breathing space, which is what I need.