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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People only getting in touch when they want something

20 replies

WeFoundItHere · 11/02/2022 18:34

I've noticed over the last 4 or so years that several 'friends' only get in touch when they need help with something.
I'll receive an email or text from someone I haven't spoken to for 2 years or more with a message along the lines of 'Hi! How are you? How's the family? Oh by the way, is there any chance you can help me with .. (a work thing usually, something to help with their business).

I always help. Always. Whatever it is, I will offer my experience or help them practically with something to support their business. Then I won't get a reply.
If I message a couple of months later to see how they are, I won't get a reply until about 12 months later when they need help again.

I've received another email last month from someone I haven't heard from in almost 2 years asking for help with something, I sent them back what they needed. And haven't had a response since then until today asking for help with something else.
It's really beginning to piss me off. I'm not sure if I should just get over myself and respond. Or ignore them. Or pretend I don't know how to help. Or something else? I would feel a bit awkward telling them they only get in touch when they want something.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 11/02/2022 19:24

I'd ignore anyone who got in touch because they wanted something and then disappeared again until they needed more help.

Either you're a friend who I have regular contact with or you're a CF & can sod off.

Purplepepsi · 11/02/2022 19:28

Start saying no, then you will know! I have done similar and thankfully don't hear from them any more!!! My real friends are still around!!

Gowithme · 11/02/2022 19:28

Yeah why don't you just ignore it - like they ignore you when you message them to see how they are. They're not friends they're just using you.

Cuddlemuffin · 11/02/2022 19:30

If you don't like the pattern of behaviour, then change it or it will continue. I personally think it's bad form on their part and would just ignore or say sorry I can't help. It's okay to say no x

HollowTalk · 11/02/2022 19:31

Why are you doing this? What do you think would happen if you said you were busy? Why would it worry you if the hated you for it? They're not in touch with you anyway.

Suffolkjuggler · 11/02/2022 19:33

I suggest you delay a little in your reply . Then you message saying how busy you have been and that you are sure they have prob resolved the issue by now ,say you hope it all went well ….. and then …Take care … bye !

PostingForTheFirstTime · 11/02/2022 19:38

These aren't friends but networker colleagues.

Have you ever asked them for a work-like favour? If so, what was their reply?

"And haven't had a response since then until today asking for help with something else."

Use this as an opportunity to change things up. Ask them - did you receive my response to your last email? Say you're asking because you didn't receive a response or a thank-you to their last request for assistance, and you were starting to wonder if you had replied to the wrong email address. Make it as curt as you like, then see what happens.

OMG12 · 11/02/2022 19:41

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I have people in my life that do exactly this. I arrange get together soon a couple of times a year then nothing until someone wants me to organise something. Last year I invited someone over who wouldn’t do the group to make sure she was ok. Never heard anything again. Next thing I get a sponsorship request from another member of the group.

Finally I realise these people are no longer my friends, the time had passed and I’m just not bothering with them any more. No drama just not having them in my life.

I would suggest you do the same, you can cling onto people. Just because but you never get anything apart from negative emotions building up

DPotter · 11/02/2022 19:50

Well there's all sorts of fun you could have with them - for starters....

"Who is this?"

" how are you all ? We're all good here", just keeping wittering on, never giving them what they want

"you must be a mind reader - was just going to contact you to ask about XYZ. "

"no problem - can send over the info you requested. Just so you know, I've now set up my own consultancy and I attached a schedule of charges along with my invoice. Payment required upfront."

What you don't do is provide them a service / favour automatically - that's being a walk over. You can tell them you're busy, you can ignore them. You owe them nothing, they are not 'friends' - they are just people who know your phone number and email address

Original poster
WeFoundItHere · 11/02/2022 19:52

@DPotter

Well there's all sorts of fun you could have with them - for starters....

"Who is this?"

" how are you all ? We're all good here", just keeping wittering on, never giving them what they want

"you must be a mind reader - was just going to contact you to ask about XYZ. "

"no problem - can send over the info you requested. Just so you know, I've now set up my own consultancy and I attached a schedule of charges along with my invoice. Payment required upfront."

What you don't do is provide them a service / favour automatically - that's being a walk over. You can tell them you're busy, you can ignore them. You owe them nothing, they are not 'friends' - they are just people who know your phone number and email address

It's funny you say this. In the email last month they told me they'd asked someone else for help, but the person said they would charge for the support & time, so they thought they'd ask me instead!
OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 11/02/2022 19:54

Sorry o but more fool you. You have a life, they are cf

Mamette · 11/02/2022 20:01

I used to get this a lot when I was working in a certain profession. People wanting free advice. It gets a bit much after a while. I finally snapped when I was in the early stages of labour and I messaged a “friend” to say I couldn’t participate in a conference call that she had arranged with me and her husband to discuss their upcoming project. I messaged and said “hi, I think baby’s coming today so sorry but I won’t make the call”.

I got no reply- not even a “good luck”. Nothing. They had the cheek to ask me a couple of months later and I said I wouldn’t advise as I was on maternity and wouldn’t be covered by insurance or some other gubbins. Cheeky fuckers and the friendship never recovered.

Bonbon21 · 11/02/2022 20:02

If you lie down ...someone will walk over you....

LittleOwl153 · 11/02/2022 20:05

It's funny you say this. In the email last month they told me they'd asked someone else for help, but the person said they would charge for the support & time, so they thought they'd ask me instead!

And you did it for nothing after that.... more fool you!!

gamerchick · 11/02/2022 20:06

Christ just ignore their messages. They'll give up.

You're being a mug.

gamerchick · 11/02/2022 20:07

Or charge the CF. 500 quid upfront should do it.

Original poster
WeFoundItHere · 11/02/2022 20:08

@Mamette Thats awful! My god, that's just so rude. Good response form you though abs hopefully they've left you alone now!

OP posts:
AppleJane · 11/02/2022 20:09

This isn't just a works thing or just with women. My DP has a few male friends who drop off the radar until their cars break down. He started saying no and now you don't see them at all.

VivX · 11/02/2022 20:19

I have this too... (I work in the sort of area where people ask random advice from time to time)

A few different ways:

Delay replying for a couple of days and then reply with "So sorry, quite snowed under with work/whatever, you could start by doing/looking at [insert website/book/course/other resource where they could get info/research or teach themselves" so you have given them a pointer but not done the actual work.

or you could try "that will take me x hours/days to do, which I am more than happy to do on [insert timeframe suitable to you] . By the way, my rates are [insert hourly/day rate]"

Or say, "Really sorry, completely stacked right now, suggest you contact [insert name of an appropriate business or contact]"

Or just not reply at all.

Hosum · 11/02/2022 20:53

You are responsible for your own boundaries - if you don't want to help then don't. Don't expect - social overtures in return. My group of friends and now extended families of them from uni (some 20+ years ago) - we don't keep in regular contact - we see each once every couple of years as a group. I see individuals within the group more frequently as do others depending on individual friendship. Between us - I am an employment solicitor, we have 2 paediatric consultants, an oncologist, teacher, educational psychologist, physio etc - we call on each other's expertise as needed without expectation - just happy to help. I may speak to them every day for a month through a tricky employment exit and then not again for a year. Equally I've called in the middle of the night when my youngest was unusually unwell and beyond flowers to say thank you not seen them for a year.

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