Parenting - tips needed!

[Area41]

I seem to have forgotten how to this past year. I think I've just used up every ounce of patience and resilience I had left during lockdown/home school. Please post your very best parenting tips!

My 10 year old son is very hard work at the moment. These are the things I'm struggling with and I can't seem to find a way to make him stop, take responsibility and be a little more mature. Lately I often end up shouting which is awful because I'm just showing him the wrong way to behave and that I'm not in control.

He is oppositional - basic requests like please brush your teeth/wash your hands are met with claims that he already has (complete fib) and then shouting at me when I insist. If I give out a consequence (losing screen time for example) he has a complete melt down - shouting and tears.

He can be really silly and inappropriate with friends (I think for attention) - pretending to pat people's bottoms or grabbing people's legs and holding on (like a koala) Totally inappropriate and I always take him to one side and tell him to stop but 2 minutes later he's doing it again.

And not listening - please get your bag and put your shoes on for school repeated x 6 every morning. It's like this with many things - if it's time to leave somewhere, if I want him to begin reading at bedtime.

How do you get your 10 year olds to comply? I often have long talks with him and he'll often come and say sorry later or the next day - but in the moment he is very quick to feel frustrated and upset. He doesn't seem to have boundaries for when enough is enough.

For context my older and younger children have very different temperaments and both understand they need to behave and cooperate. It's my middle one that I really need to step up for and I feel I'm just getting it wrong at the moment.

I think consistency will be the key.

Do you carry out the consequences?

With mine, I'll give be the 5 minute warning - in 5 minutes we're leaving you need coat and shoes on. 2 minutes the same and a warning if you're not ready X will happen. Times up, ready great off we go. If not, then explain 10 minutes off screen time it will be 20 minutes if you're not ready in 1 min.

I think you do just have to be consistent and the consequences have to be meaningful to him.

I'd ignore any meltdown that arose out of him lying to me. I think he needs to see that you won't give in to his manipulations. Following the instruction has got to be easier than ignoring it, being asked to do it again, lying, being shouted at and then having a meltdown that nobody watches or cares about.

Inappropriate behaviour - one warning and then your friend goes home if you do it again. You wouldn't need to do it many times before he got the message.

If none of the above, typical parenting strategies work, if it's not that you're being a bit wishy washy and inconsistent, then could there be a SEN? Does he do any of this at school?

He does it a little at school but much more at home. Possibly mild ADHD (never assessed but this is my opinion - his focus is not great a lot of the time).

I think I've just let too many behaviours ride and I need to rein him back in. I need to work out some consequences - he's not bothered by most things so it's difficult to give him a consequence that he'll care about.

10 mins of screen time is one. He struggles a little but with making good friends and I'm really at a loss with how to stop him behaving in a silly way around other children (he would have better friendships if he were not so silly)

First off, this February half term is always a killer and my kids seem even more knackered than they usually do at this time. So if there are any issues these are made worse by this point in the term.

Secondly my 11 year old is like this with the ignoring instructions thing and I am trying to let it play out a bit more, eg 'if you don't put your shoes on now you'll be late for school' and then just shutting up & letting it happen (that works for us because she walks to school herself and hates getting in trouble). I find it v v hard but it is having an effect.

Stuff like brushing teeth obvs you can't let them bear the consequences but I have found that leaving more room for them to admit/do the right thing also has some effect. Like 'have you brushed your teeth?' 'yes' - I stare and wait, knowing she hasn't, she crumbles. It means you're not sick of the sound of your own voice.

The silliness with friends thing is trickier but they all are very silly... I duuno.

At the moment he is thumping on the ceiling from his bedroom and shouting his head off. Really difficult to listen to. I took 10 minutes off his screen time for shouting at me earlier and this is the consequence. Granted it's Friday and he is tired but I find this type of behaviour really difficult to see.

How much one on one time do you/any other caregiver spend with him? Quite a lot sounds attention seeking.

@Area41

He does it a little at school but much more at home. Possibly mild ADHD (never assessed but this is my opinion - his focus is not great a lot of the time).

I think I've just let too many behaviours ride and I need to rein him back in. I need to work out some consequences - he's not bothered by most things so it's difficult to give him a consequence that he'll care about.

10 mins of screen time is one. He struggles a little but with making good friends and I'm really at a loss with how to stop him behaving in a silly way around other children (he would have better friendships if he were not so silly)

So, this would indicate to me that punishments don’t work for him.

Instead, look at ways you can reward appropriate behaviour. Like, have him check in with you every ten mins when he’s with his friends and buy him a McFlurry on the way home if he manages not to be silly.

Pack his bag with him the night before and lay his shoes out at the door so he can jump right into them. Praise, praise, praise.

google Oppositional defiant disorder

i have a 17 y old with it

If you suspect ADHD I would speak to the school. He could be holding it together at school and then exploding when he gets home. It is possible that more appropriate support at school could result in a calmer, less anxious child coming home to you.

He does also seem to crave attention so I would ignore the banging on the ceiling - literally act as if you can't hear it - but give him lovely, kind attention when he comes downstairs or has accepted the sanction graciously.

Consequences that he cares about, and never give an inch.

Ask the teacher if she could encourage some positive friendships. Even making sure he sits on a table with mature, sensible children can have an impact.

He sounds very attention seeking. I know it can be hard when you have other kids etc, but does he get much attention when he’s not playing up? If not, you need to change that and give him as much positive attention and praise for the smallest things as possible. You should get tougher with the punishments though-I would ban screen time for the whole day if my DS shouted at me.

Hello Area

I've sent you a DM .

With the lying about teeth brushing... I just used to say 'oh, I didn't see you do it, can you just humour me and do it again'. Lots of eye rolling but they can't argue with doing it again.