AIBU about contact?

[LunaLights]

I have posted before (different username) about similar, but my situation has just changed, so was hoping for some input, please. I’m so incredibly stressed by all this, so posting here in AIBU for traffic….

5 year old DC lives with me, I’ve been separated from Ex since DC was 1. Due to Ex’s various medical and capability issues, we agreed (between ourselves) that I had 100% responsibility for DC, with supervised contact and FaceTime between Ex and DC. I have mainly supervised (at my home, park, cafe, etc) although my family have also helped out.

We are finally going through the actual divorce, and have mediation coming up, focusing on custody, as all else is resolved. Currently there is no court order. Ex has just let me know now, prior to the upcoming mediation that he wants Fri - Mon contact at either his sibling’s home or his own.

AIBU to not agree with this, given the following:

Ex currently is in a single room in a share house with various housemates who change often, in a university accommodation setting (with all that goes along with the university lifestyle). Ex is planning on finding a single dad (ie a stranger) in the same situation as himself to share a house with so as to ‘improve’ his accommodation for overnight contact. Exs sibling lives over an hours drive away, hasn’t had contact with DC for years, and would have to do round trips to pick DC up and drop back.

Ex has multiple medical issues which impact on his thinking and functioning, has memory problems (doesn’t remember DCs anaphylactic allergies, DCs middle name, etc), sleep issues (doesn’t wake up, regardless of noise/child/etc), doesn’t have functional capacity work, etc

DC is currently undergoing investigation for ASD, has a medical condition similar to diabetes exacerbated by stress (it requires careful monitoring and balancing of food intake to prevent a metabolic episode), has diagnosed anxiety, separation anxiety, needs daily medication, has just started school, etc.

Ex hasn’t been able to keep DC safe in the past. I know DC is older now, but with his complex needs and Exs issues, AIBU to not agree with overnight+ contact? I just don’t want DC in a position where he is potentially in danger, or having to “look after” both himself and Ex at age 5.

Yanbu

Do you have evidence of his medical issues meaning he can't provide appropriate care? Even text messages? Discussions such as "yet again you didn't wake up because of x condition and consequence to DS was y" sort of thing will help build a solid argument.

The general consensus is the needs of the child come first, however I would worry that if you went to mediation essentially throwing baseless accusations around about memory and sleep with nothing to back it up you may be dismissed as vindictive and bitter. I don't imagine they will look kindly on existing living situation though which works in your favour.

Ex's not existing sorry

@TibetanTerrah
Thank you for your reply. I do have documented evidence, regarding medical conditions, effects on memory/decision making/etc. It is from a few years ago now, but if it is considered too old, a further evaluation would most probably show that Ex’s condition has deteriorated and his medications have increased (which also contribute).

I also have evidence in writing of Ex’s inability to keep DC physically safe (resulting in DC being taken by ambulance to hospital), of his inability to remember DCs allergens, and of Ex falling asleep during contact.

I don’t want to block contact or be vindictive at all - I invite Ex to Christmas morning, birthdays, organise Father’s Day visits and gifts, etc. I just want to keep DC safe (physically, mentally and emotionally), including avoiding the meltdowns that separation and change of routine trigger.

You’re not being unreasonable so worth fighting it. The accommodation he’s in now certainly isn’t suitable.

Hopeful bump

I think if you bring everything you can to mediation then, you're not going to have too much trouble. Just make sure you detach yourself emotionally and present the facts. It's obviously not a good environment for a young child to be in.

medical conditions aside- I think Fri-Monday every week is unreasonable with school aged child- when will you have a chance to enjoy the weekend with them?
If he's never stopped over before, it's very unlikely that would start now at that level, especially if there isn't a suitable sleeping place for your child. it would have to gradually be introduced.
medical conditions factored in, it's about what is best for your child- if he has limited capacity to care for them then they can't be trusted to be responsible.

It's an Unreasonable ask anyway as you would get no spare time just school time it's unfair on you and the child

Also the medical issues he literally cannot keep him safe maybe offer to revisit the idea when the child is old enough to monitor there own food and call you or an ambulance if needed

Thank you for the replies. It is good advice that I need to detach emotionally during the mediation and just give facts. And definitely revisit when DC is older.