Friendships

[Selma22]

I am in my mid 30s and have had some ups and downs ,especially in my 20s till sort of 'settling '
i don't drink much these days,have a stable long term parter,mortgage and a newborn.I consider myself very fortunate as I can honestly say I am happy with my life.
I have couple of close friends who sadly haven't had it easy.Majority of the time they struggle with an aspect of their lives (new relationship,job etc )
I know I might sound heartless ,but it is getting harder and harder to 'always be there '.
Quite often i will receive a text saying that something has happened they are feeling down and I know they will expect me to call or facetime.
I have a newborn so I cannot always drop everything and to be frank I am getting tired of it.
As a friend you should be supportive ,but am I being unreasonable to think that surely people should learn from their mistakes and make better life choices? The useless (yet another ) guy they are dating ,the job they don't like anymore etc.Just feels as if things are mostly down and due to choice as nobody listen to the advise or change their pattern of behaviour ...
AIBU to think not always listening and being there doesn't make me a bad friend...just one that cannot drop everything and listen yet again.

If that's the bulk of what goes on in your friendships, I can see why it would start to seem wearing. It's common enough to have times when a friend needs more help, and that's usually reciprocal, but it sound like to some extent your lives are in different places now. That can happen with friendship, and it doesn't mean you won't ever be back in a more similar place in life.

It's unfair to blame people for bad luck or circumstances. Depending on the situation or finances or family issues or health or whatever, often things don't just magically get better. Sadly life isn't always fair and some people, through no fault of their own never get a break.

It's also difficult because of all the big PR stunts like "Time to Talk", which in reality are often a way of cash strapped public services trying to dodge responsibility for helping vulnerable families and individuals.

But. Equally it's not your job to have to be there for everybody all the time. Particularly if it's affecting your own mental health and when you've got your own needs.

It's understandable if you, with kindness, need or want to take a step back.

Hmm interesting.

I have friends who I know I can go to if I'm struggling for whatever reason, and likewise they come to me too if/when they need to, that's friendships really.
Sometimes life is great for a person,,other times it's a complete shit show of one disaster and another - this is when no we need and appreciate our friends the most (in my experience).

No, you can’t always drop everything immediately, but you sound incredibly smug. The fact you have a nice partner, job you enjoy, your own home etc is as much down to luck as it is your choices. You don’t sound very understanding or even as if you like your friends much, more like you look down on them for not having the same fantastic life as you. Have they been there for you in the past when you’ve needed them?

@TedMullins

No, you can’t always drop everything immediately, but you sound incredibly smug. The fact you have a nice partner, job you enjoy, your own home etc is as much down to luck as it is your choices. You don’t sound very understanding or even as if you like your friends much, more like you look down on them for not having the same fantastic life as you. Have they been there for you in the past when you’ve needed them?

This. You don't sound like an overly nice friend op

@TedMullins

No, you can’t always drop everything immediately, but you sound incredibly smug. The fact you have a nice partner, job you enjoy, your own home etc is as much down to luck as it is your choices. You don’t sound very understanding or even as if you like your friends much, more like you look down on them for not having the same fantastic life as you. Have they been there for you in the past when you’ve needed them?

The post might be coming across smug ,but that is honestly not how I feel (thats middle of the night frustrated writing ) I wrote is whilst feeling bad that I couldn't call my friend and she seemed to take it to heart.( my little one was being put to bed ) I not just like my friends I love them and it honestly frustrates me that they seem to enjoy being in this situation and expect me to be there as I'm their friend. Its the same situation for over ten years. To give and example one of them is desperate for a child and yet continues to date exactly the same man ( 6 figure salary,no intention of settling down).These relationships never last over 6 months and I end up picking up the pieces.When I fell pregnant I didn't even want to tell her as I didn't want to upset her. Then there is the one that has a decent salary and yet no home of her own due to her spending.I listened to her landlords ridiculous requirements on white goods maintenance for over an hour last week. They have been there when I needed them ,but its been to share good times most of the time and definitely have never put them in the position where they feel like a therapist most of the time. I just don't know how to maintain their expectations of me and not feel bad as I know the situation is unlikely to change.

Supporting friends is the thing to do so long as it dioesn't have a negative impact on your own mental health. The ones who constantly have major downs can be quite draining and I wouldn't blame you for taking your time to reply when you have a baby to focus on.

How often is 'quite often'? I completely understand that it can be draining if you always have to be the supportive one, especially when you feel like your life has moved on, and it sounds like you've just grown apart somewhat (which is fine, it happens). But if anything were to go wrong in your own life, do you think they'd reciprocate with the same level of support for you? If so, I'd be wary about pulling back too much - things might be happy and stable for you now, but you can't see into the future, and you never know when you might need people like that around.

If you think it's partly their own choices that are to blame, have you tried telling them this? (Gently, of course!) I think part of being a good friend is giving honest advice about this kind of thing, and it might also discourage them a bit from taking the piss if they feel like you're not just going to listen sympathetically for hours whenever they demand it?

I think if something went wrong with my life they would try their best to be supportive (although I know that it is hard to be there for someone else when u feel down yourself ).
Perhaps a gentle but open talk is in order.I have tried in the past but now that I have less than ever I think its more important.

OP, that sounds draining. You sound like you would be there in a heartbeat for your friends but sometimes you have to look after yourself. I have the same situtation with a friend of mine. Constantly going back and forward with the same guy, moaning about her job, never wants to hear about what i have going on. I think you may need to speak to her about boundaries. Explain to her that you arent always going to be there to pick up the pieces but when you can , you will. I did this with my friend and it did work for awhile. Unfortunatly, she threw it back in my face a few months ago and told me i was selfish for not supporting her ( i was going through a traumatic loss, i was off work and could barely look after myself, never mind listen to anyone else's problems)

You need to put yourself first sometimes and true friends will understand this, trust me

Surely there’s a middle ground, you can be there most of the time whatever is going on. But judging them is shit, have you never made a bad choice more than once? My friends and I are mostly married with secure jobs and homes and lots of commitments. But we still make time for each other even if we don’t agree with each other’s choices. You can be there without dropping everything, if that means later or shorter calls or texts instead then so be it.

You've just had a baby, your moving into a new stage in life. Of course your not going to have as much time for friends as you did before. Your friends may not understand this. This is why alot of new mothers lose friends.

If your friendships are strong they will survive this change but you may have some ups and downs as you all adjust to the new status quo.

I think you should have a chat with your friends. Explain your very busy with the baby and although you'll still have time for them you won't be as available as you used to be.

You sound like you need to put some better boundaries in place. Whenever someone writes they feel like a therapist I always think that therapists are paid for very specific boundaried appointments, so feeling completely put upon and resentful does not make anybody a therapist. It makes them a doormat. It's ok to step back if you feel like these relationships are asking too much of you. Have you had any therapy yourself to try and understand why you feel like you need to give other people so much of your time? That might be worth a go. Nothing you have written sounds unreasonable, you just sound like you need to renegotiate what is ok and what isn't for you.

You sound quite judgy about their situations. But if you're finding it draining to be supportive then be less available. If you respond right away then they'll think you care more than you do.

@TedMullins

No, you can’t always drop everything immediately, but you sound incredibly smug. The fact you have a nice partner, job you enjoy, your own home etc is as much down to luck as it is your choices. You don’t sound very understanding or even as if you like your friends much, more like you look down on them for not having the same fantastic life as you. Have they been there for you in the past when you’ve needed them?

OP doesn't sound smug, she's mum to a newborn and being subjected to moaning by people who keep making the same mistakes repeatedly.

OP,

Being an unpaid therapist continuously to friends, is not friendship IMO.

You need better boundaries now that you have a child.

Start pulling back.
Be honest and tell them you are very busy with the baby.
The last thing you need is someone dumping on you the minute you have a bit of time to yourself.
It can be quite stressful listening to constant drama.
If spending time with them doesn't bring you joy and stresses you out, then you need to protect yourself from them.

Sometimes people have bad luck, but OP's not wrong that many times, our circumstances are directly linked to the choices we make. Yes, OP, it is frustrating and draining when you've listened with sympathy and given advice, only to have the same person coming back with almost the same sad story because they refuse to see the truth for what it is, refuse to learn from mistakes, refuse to implement your advice. How many times are you meant to be the shoulder to cry on, to nod in sympathy, to repeat the same advice as last time, or to bite your tongue to avoid saying something that's a little too harsh (albeit true)?

I'd set boundaries and distance myself if necessary. If they're hurt that you won't drop everything to listen to the same old problems at the drop of a hat, they may withdraw from you or find someone else to use as a sounding board. That might not be such a bad thing, honestly!

I have mixed feelings about this but I voted YANBU. I have always felt friends should provide a listening ear but in the past few years (i'm in my thirties) I've started to feel that there are some people who will ignore any advice you give them, dig themselves into a hole, come to you to vent and not even acknowledge that they should have taken your advice. Only for the cycle to repeat itself again and again. And as someone who doesn't have children I wouldn't dream of offloading like that to someone with a newborn. But I think someone else said this too, perhaps don't reply to their messages so quickly and start declining calls and they will eventually get the hint you're not super available. It may just be something they haven't realised.