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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and his ex

15 replies

mcottonhouse · 10/02/2022 08:31

DP of 2 years was meant to work his standard shift today plus 5hrs of overtime. This was as of Monday.

Last night I've seen him preparing just one meal for work today so I jokingly say he is going to be starving at work being on one meal on 12hr shift. To this he said that plans had changed and he is taking his ex to hospital for a scan.

I mean, yeah okay, being on good terms with ex is good but she asks him for this sort of favours last minute and he drops everything to do what she asks. She would ask him to pick her up when she gets her nails done. She would ask him to come and see her because she wants to speak to him. He drops her off and picks her up from work every Sunday when he picks up DD. Ex constantly wants to give DP food and I've put my foot down on that so he started refusing to take it.

The scan was arranged months ago, it's not that it is emergency and she isn't well. They have DD (9) who could stay with granny (her mum lives with granny) and they live like 5 mins drive from the hospital where the scan is. Ex doesn't drive but regularly takes taxis when she goes for shopping for example.

DP left her nearly 3 years ago. They still share mortgage on the house where ex lives with DD (9) because ex only works 2 days a week and won't be able to get a mortgage on her own. DD spends an equal amount of time with both parents.

I'm not feeling insecure in our relationship but the fact that he drops everything when she wants something off him is doing my head in. I would understand of course if she wanted him to do something for DD.

AIBU to be annoyed at DP? Or am I an evil cow and need to get a grip? Is this sort of thing people do for their exes?

OP posts:
Greenzone · 10/02/2022 08:41

YANBU. He’s way too connected to her everyday life and is still acting in the role of a partner. Of course they need to keep a civil relationship as co-parents but they’re both behaving like they are still together. Part of ending a relationship is doing things separately and not relying on each other for things like this. I could not put up with this, there are three of you in this relationship.

RealBecca · 10/02/2022 08:42

In the nicest possible way, you're fucking nuts to put up with any of this. I cannot believe he has convinced you this is normal and you are so worried about appearing nice and reasonable that you've accepted any of this. Dont fight these fights, just find someone with nice normal boundaries.

Fl0w3ry · 10/02/2022 08:58

I would not put up with this. His ex is way too high on his list of priorities. Their contact should only be about their DD now he is in a relationship with you. You have been far too reasonable with him.

HelloPanda12 · 10/02/2022 09:06

No way would I put up with this. If it was an emergency and DP was the last person on the list who could help then fair enough but he’s dropping things to accommodate her every want and need. Picking her up from nail appointments is ridiculous and if my fiancé had done that for his ex I’d have told him to piss off home with her. To me personally that seems like a relationship that never really ended and as previous posters have said, their contact should solely be in regards to DD and not accompanying her to appointments or being her personal chauffeur.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/02/2022 09:08

Nope, massive red flag. Sounds like he's still mentally got a foot in that relationship. Why the hell is he paying a mortgage for his ex, daughter and her mum?! How long's that going to go on for?

Original poster
mcottonhouse · 10/02/2022 09:09

I said that to him a while ago. He says he isn't a sort of person who would leave single mum with child without any help. He drops her off and picks her up from work because it is on his way anyway so why not do that when she asks.

I was so annoyed last night about this last minute scan, I thought he might as well stay there for a dinner and a movie togetherConfused I haven't said that to him but he has seen i wasn't happy so I know he is going to want to talk about it tonight.

I don't even know what to say to him.

Part of me still thinks he is doing that because he has a good heart. Part of me thinks it is some sort of dependency or guilt for splitting up.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 10/02/2022 09:09

How you're not feeling insecure about this arrangement is beyond me OP.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/02/2022 09:12

Did he leave? If so, it is guilt.

Babadook76 · 10/02/2022 09:18

I think you’re absolutely mental for putting up with this. Does he ever put her before you? Are you happy to continue living like this?

Original poster
mcottonhouse · 10/02/2022 10:23

No he doesn't put her in front of me.

He makes it out like he is just helping her and if it's not a big deal why he wouldn't do it.

The problem I think is that I'm self sufficient and organised and wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to drop work to take me for a scan of he didn't need to be there. Maybe this is when I have gone wrong not wanting to inconvenience him.

OP posts:
ConfusedSecondTimer · 10/02/2022 10:31

My DP was like this with his ex. Would take her to the airport, do family trips, share food shops and bills, pay the mortgage etc. He still does the mortgage TBH but I said I wouldn’t move in with him until he stopped running round after her, and that stopped most of the non-financial stuff.

YANBU to expect to be the one who gets the majority of his focus. There has to be a line somewhere.

ConfusedSecondTimer · 10/02/2022 10:34

Also to add, it’s definitely guilt on his part if he was the one to leave, and also emotional manipulation that it’s in the DC’s best interests. Needs to stop though or neither of them will be able to fully commit to anyone new

ohhooh · 10/02/2022 10:39

Normally on these posts I think the OP is BU - not this time!

Picking her up after getting her nails done?! 😂 jeeez that's madness imo.

Why didn't he tell you his plans had changed? Was there ever overtime, or was it a cover for the plans?

Tbh I wouldn't be happy with this, paying part of the mortgage so his DD has a home is different, the rest of it is bat poo to me.

Nothingsfine · 10/02/2022 10:57

I used to tell my DP that his ex was behaving like they were still married. She would message him all the time and not just stuff relating to their DC and ask him to do things in her house ie little DIY jobs etc.
He was helping out his DC as he saw it and as PP have said he was the one who left so had lots of guilt about it.
It took time to help him realise he didn't have to jump every time she was in need, she has family and friends nearby and he is a consistent dad who has regular contact with his DC and pays maintenance etc so there is no need for ongoing guilt.
I would be totally pissed off in your shoes OP.

Aprilx · 10/02/2022 11:09

He isn’t helping out a single mum. For this to be going on, one of them, I don’t know which, wants to revive their relationship. I think you are putting up with far more than I would.

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