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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my husband to go on a stag weekend

17 replies

mag2305 · 10/02/2022 00:40

I feel like I am being unreasonable but I'm really unhappy about my husband wanting to go on a stag weekend in a few weeks...

So my dh wants to go on a stag weekend with a group of his old friends. It's in Manchester (we're in the south) so it's not a local thing. We have a 3 year old and 7 month old, both who have been extremely poorly for months now with one thing after another and are still ill. Our 3 year old son has currently got glandular fever which has been horrible. He is also going through some really difficult behaviour and is being assessed for adhd. We're so sleep deprived as it is with the children being up in the night poorly and exhausting during the day. Plus we're both working on top of all this. Things have been really stressful recently and my own anxiety has been awful.

My mum is amazing with supporting us with childcare whilst we're working during the week but she understandably needs a break at the weekend. My dh's parents are the same and often go away at the weekend too so I feel like I don't want to put on them for help.

When I expressed my concerns to my dh, he said that I needed to let him off the leash sometime. This makes me feel terrible because I don't want him to think of me like that. We've had a tough year - difficult pregnancy, PND and moved house a few months back. I really get that he wants some time to do his own thing but a whole weekend away just fills me with dread. It's not like it's just a night out locally.

Most days we're on survival mode it seems and I feel like he's going to abandon me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2022 00:45

Yes. YABU. ‘Let’ him go and then book a weekend with your pals. It sounds as though it’s been tough for both of you and you both deserve a break.

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 00:46

I feel your pain and resentment - and I imagine you couldn’t dream of going away for a weekend. But I don’t know if it is right to create this sort of resentment from him…I think it would depend on how he asked me and made it clear how big a deal it was for me.

What will happen if you look after them on your own - will you survive?

TheUnexpectedPickle · 10/02/2022 00:46

It depends...

Does he go out a lot? If no then YABU

Is he an equal parent/partner generally? If yes then YABU

Would he take over if you went away for a hen do? If yes then YABU

Context is everything

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 00:47

@TheUnexpectedPickle

It depends...

Does he go out a lot? If no then YABU

Is he an equal parent/partner generally? If yes then YABU

Would he take over if you went away for a hen do? If yes then YABU

Context is everything

Agree 100%

Notimeforaname · 10/02/2022 00:51

Ah sorry op. That does sound shit but most people just suck it up.
You can have kids and still be a person and enjoy things sometimes.

Once you get a weekend back to do as you wish,its all good.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/02/2022 00:51

He clearly needs a break, as do you!

Why not try a babysitter both afternoons and get some sleep?

Worth its weight in gold.

Original poster

mag2305 · 10/02/2022 00:56

@TheUnexpectedPickle you are right, in that context I would say no he doesn't go out a lot and he is a very devoted father.

The thing is I feel like I am being unreasonable but I'm nervous about the whole thing.

Doesn't help that both myself and dh suffer with anxiety. He also has diagnosed borderline bipolar and it always gets much worse after he gets overtired. After his own stag weekend a few years back, he was awful for about a week after and actually had to take time off work. I'm not talking a hangover of going out type thing, it's the extreme high followed by extreme low of bipolar. So I know that will happen if he goes on this stag too.

OP posts:

Electriq · 10/02/2022 00:59

Let him go, then you book yourself a weekend aeay and for a break off the leash too.

Works both ways, and we all need a break

Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 01:02

Both of you sound devoted involved parents

Please let him go and have his weekend away. Ask your parents to help this one off weekend if you think you need a bit of back up whilst he's away

Make sure you get the same time off though- book a couple days off over weekend when he takes baby and toddler and you get to sleep somewhere else uninterrupted or just get a day out

Sounds tough

Notimeforaname · 10/02/2022 01:02

Plan out some things to do over that weekend.

Have food and things prepped or organised beforehand.

Ask your husband to help get some things ready for you before he goes away.

And use some time over that weekend to have a look around at a weekend or night away that you could have.
Either by yourself, if you're into that sort of thing or start askin friends if its something theyd like to plan.

TigerLilyTail · 10/02/2022 01:05

I agree that you should let him go. Keep things simple over the weekend. Takeout or whatever to eat.

I know it's hard for you to go away for a weekend but everyone needs a break sometimes. Maybe have a few hours to yourself each weekend to go for a walk/coffee/ whatever.

Flittingaboutagain · 10/02/2022 01:14

My husband wouldn't go for the full time in this situation...I also have a baby similar age. If you said you want to go away for a hen weekend what would he say?

mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 01:14

@mag2305

I feel like I am being unreasonable but I'm really unhappy about my husband wanting to go on a stag weekend in a few weeks...

Most days we're on survival mode it seems and I feel like he's going to abandon me.

AIBU?

No you're not being unreasonable sometimes we all need our Oh to be there no matter what was already arranged, I hope you can talk it out op

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 01:16

OP I imagine some of the issue here is that you wouldn’t go away for the weekend at this stage? Just not feasible, while it is for him….

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2022 01:17

Can you have a couple of things booked in for the week following, at least one in an evening? It sounds a bit like he will also plan to take a chunk of the following week off to recover and I’d want to have something in the diary to walk out the door to and leave him doing dinner and parenting as otherwise the load might all stay with you.
And book a weekend away for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2022 01:18

When I expressed my concerns to my dh, he said that I needed to let him off the leash sometime.

That's a really shitty thing to say. You're worried about your MH, your DC being ill, his health. And he's acting like a wanker.

I do agree that you should both have time for yourselves. And you need to negotiate that. But insulting you with a little nasty dig was low.

oneproudmumma · 10/02/2022 01:30

YANBU - I feel your pain and understand your concerns. I would probably feel the same in your situation.

People saying you need a break every now and again.. Yes, you do, but you also want your DH there if you have poorly children and not left alone with them both whilst he goes off on a bender with his mates.

However, a lot can change in a few weeks so I would probably ask him to see if the children are better by then. If they are then I think you shouldn't make too much of it as yes, resentment can build. Which leads to stupid comments about being let off a leash (@MrsTerryPratchett is right, that's a shitty thing to say).

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