To think friend shouldn’t have been ‘miffed’ at not being asked to do childcare?

[Rainallnight]

Out for dinner with friends at the weekend. I mentioned that we had asked another friend to look after DS when he was off school sick. DP and I had meetings we couldn’t move.

Friend said, ‘yes, I heard. DP and I were a bit miffed that you asked X to babysit. Why didn’t you ask us?’ She went on to say that I must ask her the next time and that they would be busy nine times out of ten, but on that tenth time, they might be able to, so I should keep asking.

This friend, and her partner, run their own business and are very busy. They talk a lot about how busy they are and make clear they have very little spare time. They have never once offered to look after our DC in five years. Not that they have to - we don’t expect that from anyone - but I think it’s important to note that they haven’t ever expressed an interest.

X, on the other hand, is between jobs and has taken DC out a few times on the weekends for a couple of hours to give us a break.

X seemed like the natural choice in the circumstances and would do again in the future.

I feel a bit peeved that my friend was so miffed and certainly don’t want to have to ask ten times for childcare that may never materialise, just because she wants to be asked!

AIBU?

Just nod and say you will, then don't, but also don't mention having asked someone else.

This is about her image of herself as someone who is Helpful and Important and not you, but for a good friend I'd quietly ignore it and stick to other topics.

I think that you are making this bigger than it needs to be. It's one of those times were you lie and carry on with what you are doing. She's letting you know that she'd like to help, if she could.

She sounds nuts! Would expect to be asked nine times when they would be saying no, on the off chance that one time they’d be able to do it?

I’d just ignore and ask x

“If you’re ever stuck in future we might be able to help, always worth asking” is fine. Miffed is mad.

@Ponoka7 yes, lying and carrying on with what I’m doing is exactly what I’m going to do. But I don’t think she was letting me know she wanted to help. She wants to be asked, which is different.

She shouldn't be put out, she should be relieved!

She wants to feel you trust her and value her, and that she's important to you. While this wasn't the most functional way of expressing it, there are much worse sentiments.

I'd hate asking someone only to be told they're busy 9 out of 10 times! What a pain! Yes, definitely just nod and ignore, unless you don't mind asking. It doesn't hurt to ask her, if you don't mind it, but she's still unreasonable to be miffed about it. Bit different if she'd been repeatedly offering to help and felt you didn't trust her or something, but since she hasn't even offered before, she's just being silly.

"That's really kind of you to offer. X is between jobs, so was the obvious solution this time, but it's good to know you might be available another time."

Then just don't bother asking. Or maybe make them feel wanted by asking about a more hypothetical situation: "OH is away on these dates and I've got a busy time at work. If DC gets ill, are you available to babysit if needed?" It's fairly unlikely to happen, and if they're that busy the answer might be no anyway!

It just sounds to me like she wants you to know that she will do her best to help out if ever she could, so to please feel comfortable to ask them if you ever need emergency care. It doesn't sound like she was 'miffed', just letting you know there is another possible option for you. Which is great, and lovely of her, considering she isn't exactly sitting around painting her nails all day.
Sounds like you are incredibly lucky to be in the rare position of having friends queuing up to look after poorly dc!

@kite22 She specially said she and her DP were ‘miffed’ before saying they’d never be able to do anyway

*specifically!

Just ignore. Bizarre and attention seeking.

Urgh! She is one of these attention-seeking me me me fuckers, who is miffed because she wasn't asked, because she is super special and important, but if/when she IS asked, she will be 'busy...' EVERY time.

Ignore her @Rainallnight

[grin]@HelloFrostyMorning

The thing is, DP and I have been on our knees at various points over the past few years. It’s outing to go into the specifics but we’ve had a load of challenges on top of all the Covid stuff and zero family help. So X and partner, who take the kids out maybe two or three times a year, are massively appreciated because we don’t have anyone else who can do that.

But at the same time, when my back’s really against the wall, ringing this friend to massage her ego when she won’t be able to help anyway, is something I could do without on my to do list.

@Kite22

It just sounds to me like she wants you to know that she will do her best to help out if ever she could, so to please feel comfortable to ask them if you ever need emergency care. It doesn't sound like she was 'miffed', just letting you know there is another possible option for you. Which is great, and lovely of her, considering she isn't exactly sitting around painting her nails all day. Sounds like you are incredibly lucky to be in the rare position of having friends queuing up to look after poorly dc!

The friend literally said she was miffed!!! And what's the point - she said she'd be too busy to babysit 9 times out of 10. That's not helpful in any way. That's batshit.

Sounds to me that she was trying to be nice and indicate that they don't mind you asking them to babysit, but phrased it in a clumsy way (probably felt awkward). You may be peeved at her being miffed, but I reckon you should let it go and avoid it escalating to vexed.

Ha ha! Will definitely avoid vexedness