Parenting courses

[BarkminsterBlue]

I’ve been thinking a lot about a comment I saw on a recent MN thread. The OP was discussing an issue with their teen and one poster suggested a parenting course. The OP’s reaction was whatever you’d call the online equivalent of laughing in someone’s face - absolute scorn and derision.

But why is there such a stigma associated with seeking parenting support? It’s an established cultural norm that expectant parents will invest time and money in antenatal courses to prepare for birth but why is there no corresponding practice for the parenting of children once they are actually here?

AIBU to think that if it were the norm to access good-quality parenting support then many families’ lives would be dramatically improved?

AIBU to think that if it were the norm to access good-quality parenting support then many families’ lives would be dramatically improved?

I agree with you about this but at the same time, I’m not sure what good quality parenting support looks like.

I know one family who were required to do such a course. I think they did it. I don’t think their parenting has changed.

The thing is, if you talk to them, they know what to do to be a good parent. They just don’t do it.

And, yes, it is negatively impacting the children now.

Is there a stigma?
I personally read parenting books and never thought anything of it.
And of course, if you don't learn, you will just repeat whatever patterns you picked up in your own family.

I agree with you, but it takes insight to admit you might be in a situation where some outside help would do good. I self-referred to a specialist parenting course for parents who were separating/divorcing because I had never been in that situation and it was complicated because my kids were older teens, my husband was an abusive alcoholic and they didn't want to see him. My gut said go with what they were telling me but I wasn't sure - and I didn't want to pressure them into something inappropriate because of my feelings of guilt. The course really helped me get things clear and was run by two excellent facilitators. You get out what you put in a lot of the time.

@GladysAndFred

Is there a stigma? I personally read parenting books and never thought anything of it. And of course, if you don't learn, you will just repeat whatever patterns you picked up in your own family.

Would you go on a course? Would you talk to your friends about the course?

Yanbu, I would love to go on one, bet they're really interesting.

I think there would certainly be a place for such support, but am not sure what it would look like. I’m currently on a course aimed at parents of newly diagnosed kids with autism. I was invited by the senco at ds school and they’re giving loads of ideas, suggestions, etc around managing behaviour, communication, emotional support. It’s great. But the thing is that ds hasn’t done the course just as he didn’t read the baby books, so other than trying things out it’s completely hit and miss what works. And then it doesn’t work anymore. And I’m back to feeling negative and blaming myself when things go wrong.
I guess my point is, what would a course cover? What could it teach? A person who isn’t engaged with being a decent parent won’t engage with these courses, and one who has tried hard might still have a child who won’t respond back.

In short, I don’t know. Anger management for the parent if that is their issue might be worthwhile but otherwise, I’m at a loss. I like the idea but it’s not as simple as going to a lesson and coming out a good parent.

I run parenting courses. Some for parents wanting to understand their children's behaviour and some for parents whose children have ASD. All are NHS designed and aim to help families reframe their approaches and learn some strategies and ideas for meeting behaviour effectively.

I learn something just from running them. There is a stigma attached I think and we don't call them parenting courses if we can help it.

YANBU at all.
If someone could remove the stigma, it would be SUCH a support for so many people.

Thing is, it is really fucking insulting to be forced onto a “parenting course” before professionals agree to assess your child who has obvious SEND. It suggests that ASD, or similar, is caused by poor parenting.

I have 2 DSs on the spectrum and, mercifully, was ‘let off’ having to do said course before DS3 was referred because DH and I had sat through it in order for DS1 to be seen.

The course was patronising bollocks, completely unsuitable and contained basic common sense, nothing we didn’t know or weren’t already doing. But we had to sit through it anyway. It’s dehumanising. It creates stigma.

I'd love to do one if it was suitable (and ran on a weekend). But they're not all that easy to find and as our DC has SEN and her behaviour sounds extreme to 'outsiders' I'm not sure how helpful it would be as we could end up feeling judged and/or the facilitator might not know that much about SEN.

Part of the stigma I think is because SEN parents get sent on them instead of being offered actual practical help (like suitable schools). We are on a Facebook page for DC with the same diagnosis and this has happened to loads of the mums (many of whom have been left by the dads who find the DC too difficult .)

Grr Aled that sounds incredibly annoying for you. We were able to throw money at the problem. Which is another crappy aspect of the UK's crappy SEN and parenting support - you have to pay £££ for everything or wait forever.

I believe healthcare professionals are keen to promote parenting courses as something any responsible parent would do, like ante natal courses. I have done a few, and found them all helpful

I think part of the problem is that the quality varies so much. The one I was on was very much a two way street where the facilitators were truly open to taking on board things that the participants reported they had tried and found effective. It was also very evidence based. I doubt all parenting courses are created equal.

@AledsiPad

Thing is, it is really fucking insulting to be forced onto a “parenting course” before professionals agree to assess your child who has obvious SEND. It suggests that ASD, or similar, is caused by poor parenting.

I have 2 DSs on the spectrum and, mercifully, was ‘let off’ having to do said course before DS3 was referred because DH and I had sat through it in order for DS1 to be seen.

The course was patronising bollocks, completely unsuitable and contained basic common sense, nothing we didn’t know or weren’t already doing. But we had to sit through it anyway. It’s dehumanising. It creates stigma.

This. 100% this. I’d have been happy to do a course if I thought it would genuinely help my child. But it was a fucking patronising hoop to jump through as part of a diagnosis process.

I completely agree that parenting courses aren't a substitute for SEND assessment and I'm sorry that they are used as hoops for those parents to jump through. I have a child with SEND but he has presented early and we haven't had to deal with this yet, although I'm sure it's in our future.

I honestly think that the vast majority of parents would be offended at the suggestion that they undertake a parenting course. The only people I know who have used them and talk openly about it are my friends who have adopted, and I think they are viewed differently in the adopting community for various reasons.