To think she should move on? TW: Suicide

[SunnydaleHSAlumna]

10 years ago, my DDad committed suicide. It was a total shock, none of us saw it coming. He had never suffered with mental health issues that we knew of. My DDad was a truly wonderful man, he was the glue of our family and we all miss him terribly. It has changed all of our immediate family, a little bit of the light went from our lives. We've all felt guilty that we didn't know he was suffering so much.

I feel really sorry for my DM because it seems to have been one thing after another for her, since Dad died she also lost her Mum, has had some pretty awful health issues (which she thankfully has recovered from now), things are much tighter financially for her as my Dad was the breadwinner, their friends have drifted off for the most part, the family dynamic has changed so much, and both me and my sibling have suffered with infertility.

My heart breaks for her, it really does and I wish I could help her. My siblings and I rally round as much as we can, we spend time with her and take her out and on holiday. But I know she's lonely, and she cries about my Dad every day.

The thing is now, and I mean this in the gentlest and kindest way possible, but I think there is more she could do to help herself but she won't. She won't go to counselling, she won't speak to a support group like SOBS, she won't join any social groups, she won't do anything to try and meet someone else despite admitting she would like to (I've even offered to pay for things like counselling or go with her to group ones, I offered to pay for a decent online dating subscription for her etc).

She's still only fairly young, and I can't bear to think of her being so upset and lonely, but then I also feel frustrated that she won't do anything to help herself.

AIBU to think that after ten years, she should be allowing herself to move on now? Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any suggestions about how I can help her?

Hey I’m sorry for the loss of your father.

I think it’s really clear how much you care about your mum. I would start by reframing “move on” to move forward. For a grieving person the phrase move on implies forgetting the person.

I’m widowed and no one at any stage has been able to force me on to the next stage. It’s had to come from me when I’ve been ready.

Have you had a chat with her to say that you acknowledge the pain and hurt, but you want to support her to try and find some peace in her life and some happiness (and how you can help her)? It’s great that you’re suggesting things, but I think the ideas need to to come from her.

Ahh op I'm sorry about your dad.
Sounds tough for your mum, I don't know what the answer is, could you go to some of these groups or social activities with her? Might start her off and once she has made some friends/connections she would start to go independently?

Thanks for your reply @LolaButt

That's a good point - moving forward is much better than moving on, I will make a mental note to use that.

We have talked about it so much, she has said she would like to have a partner again but she's scared of the idea too, which I understand. She'd been with my Dad since she was young. She says if she's meant to meet someone then she will, but she's not going to meet anyone being at home most of the time.

She can be quite stubborn at the best of times and I think it's not that she can't move forward but that she won't let herself.

Thanks @purpleboy. I've tried offering to go with her, offering to take her and wait outside, I've tried offering everything I can think of but she just says no to everything. I also try to give her plenty of space too - I'm trying not to put pressure on her and I know that sometimes she doesn't want solutions but just to vent, so I let her do that too, I try not to nag her.

She wants her life to be different but won't do anything to make it so, just wishes my Dad hadn't done what he did, but that's never going to change.

I don’t think that there is anything more you can do to offer her support. As I said previously, it now needs to come from her.

One of the things I’ve been most conscious of with my (young) children, is that they’ve already lost so much and they don’t deserve to lose another parent. As in the remaining parent is alive but so lost in grief they’re not emotionally present. Have you considered gently explaining to her that you want her to be happy and present for you and your siblings?

There’s a really complicated set of emotions when you’re widowed. Guilt is a big one.

If she’s crying every day she seems a little stuck in the emotional cycle. Whilst grief is not linear there is usually some progression forwards.

Would she be open to group therapy? As in her, you and your siblings? It may be a good way that makes her feel safe to start expressing her feelings.

I’m sorry for the impact your fathers death has had on all of your lives. It may not seem like it, but the friends and family who have stuck around in the midst of my own grief have been invaluable. You’re likely helping more than you realise, but it’s ok to step back slightly and play the role of facilitator of her moving forward rather than the leader of it.

Sorry to hear of your Dad. Mine also took his own life.

From my experience with my family, being left behind absolutely ruins lives. Questions none of you will ever get an answer to, the guilt of not knowing, of not stopping it. The sadness of being without them, for not being good enough for them to want to stay. Anger for what they've done.

People don't know how to treat you, so friends do drift off. It sounds like your mum was dependent on your dad to sort some things. It's a shock when it's suddenly left to you, when someone has been taking care of it previously. Add in her health issues, financial concerns, loss of her own mum, and your fertility issues etc. It is incredibly frustrating when someone won't help themselves, but most often, we're looking at the situation of how we think we'd deal. In reality, we don't know until it happens.

This is just my input, but suicide is so complicated that I wonder if it is harder to overcome, then a natural death.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad

My husband took his own life almost 11yrs ago - regulars /oldies on here will remember

Life does have to go on for those left behind

I was 37 and with dh since I was 18 so 19yrs

Cruse counselling helped me

Way was good widowed and young fir under 50. There’s way up for over 50,s

Sobs wasn’t good for me. They all wallowed,even 5/10/15yrs on and couldn’t be happy

Sounds like you are there for your mum 💐 but know it’s hard

I lost my dad when I was 6 nearly 40 years ago. Natural death, but my mum never got over it and like you I often felt like she didn't help herself. I remember one friend telling me that when she'd first met mum, ten years after he died, she assumed she must have been widowed in the previous few months, such was the extent of her grief.

For me I've had to be strong and not let her pull me down. Quite frankly, if she wants to be a 'widow' that's her perogative, but I've got a life to lead. (No disrespect intended, but for years I thought people viewed her as a widow but her also-bereaved friend as a mother.)

There's only so much you can do for her. If she chooses not to help herself that's on her, but she's not your responsibility.

I will say that losing a parent is very different from losing a life partner husband /wife

All your dreams and plans are shattered

Living alone when not used to it

Etx

I don't doubt it, @Blondeshavemorefun, it must be a terrible thing to go through.

In my case the difference between my mum and her friend was stark. I'm sure her friend was no less devastated but, in time, she was not defined by her widowhood in the way that my mother was.

@MrBoPeep This is just my input, but suicide is so complicated that I wonder if it is harder to overcome, then a natural death.

Yes, I wonder that too. If he had died of an illness, of course we'd all still miss him but I feel like there might be a sense of peace and closure with it, in that he would have received medical care until there was nothing else that could be done, and we might have had chance to say goodbye and tell him how much we love him.

I once read something and it said something along the lines of when someone takes their life, the pain and sadness they're feeling doesn't go it just gets passed to everyone else, and it's really true. I'm only speaking for my family here, but we have so many questions and so much guilt about "if only we'd just done this or that, he might still be here". The thought of my Dad feeling so depressed that he thought this was the answer, that he might have thought we didn't love him or care about him, the pain of that keeps me up at night sometimes.

@Blondeshavemorefun I'm sorry that you lost your husband. I fully accept that this is so much worse for my Mum. Of course it is.

Thank you for recommending Cruse, I actually hadn't really seen them before and I've spoken to them and they've passed on some details for Suicide and Co, which I'll give to my Mum, and hopefully she might consider applying for the counselling with them.

[quote SunnydaleHSAlumna]@Blondeshavemorefun I'm sorry that you lost your husband. I fully accept that this is so much worse for my Mum. Of course it is.

Thank you for recommending Cruse, I actually hadn't really seen them before and I've spoken to them and they've passed on some details for Suicide and Co, which I'll give to my Mum, and hopefully she might consider applying for the counselling with them.[/quote]
Thank you

And I do hope she gets counselling

Specific for suicide

Cruse will help. But your mum will have to contact them

They won’t accept doctors or others making app