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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating older men

52 replies

fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 11:04

A woman on a dating site had a dig at me because I was looking for a date older than me. I don't think it's a big deal to want to date men my age or up to 20 years older. I'm in my fifties but people often say I look in my forties. AIBU to want to date men over 70?

OP posts:
blahblahx · 09/02/2022 13:29

@KimDeals

Are you looking for someone with a bad cough?
😂
Original poster
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 13:40

It's so weird the way people write off older men. I have a fabulous friend who's in his seventies and is into cycling. He's fitter than I am. There is also another friend who is still gardening in his 80s and yet I do a bit of weeding for 10 minutes and my back starts aching.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 09/02/2022 13:41

@KimDeals

Are you looking for someone with a bad cough?
🤣
BertramLacey · 09/02/2022 13:41

It's a broad generalisation but generally I find older people to be calmer, wiser, and more in tune with what I like to do i.e. gardening, rather than getting drunk in the pub. I just seem to get on better with older people.

But if you're in your 50s you are older. People in their 50s will also usually prefer gardening to pubs. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I mean date who you like, of whatever age, but don't kid yourself about why. And yes, if you date people 20 years older than you and those people are 70+ you will look as if you're just there for the will.

VapeVamp12 · 09/02/2022 13:44

I guess those who enjoy that age group need to treasure the few years they will have with them. Unless longevity is genetic for these more mature companions.

Not always the case, friends of my parents had a 20 year age gap she was 40 and he was 60. Everyone used to think she'd be lonely in older age but she actually passed away at 49 and was 69. He's now almost 80 and on his own.

Original poster
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 13:47

So I'll look like I'm just there for the Will? How depressing.

I don't know why people jump to this conclusion. I dated a man who was widowed, he had three sons plus grandchildren. My dating profile rules out marriage categorically. Why on earth would people think I'm there for the Will?!

OP posts:
LittleMissTake · 09/02/2022 13:53

People do age at different rates I agree. Given the choice however many older men I know prefer an afternoon in with Midsomer Murders and full packet of digestives to a brisk walk up Scarfell Pike. Not a problem if a younger partner isn’t the active type.

An older man’s world view can be more difficult to live with. Sadly many are sexist and patronising towards women. They are not bad guys just a product of the very different times they grew up in.

BertramLacey · 09/02/2022 13:53

It's not writing people off OP. It's realism. My parents and their peers and in their late 70s. They're dying off. Oh sure, some of them are hale and hearty. But many of them have a long list of ailments and take a truckload of pills every day. Nature isn't kind and ageing is no fun at all.

Whilst you'll have some unhealthy younger people and some much healthier older people the trend is downwards, especially past 70. I expect many older men will be quite happy to date you, but they may be looking for a housekeeper more than a soulmate.

Lightning020 · 09/02/2022 13:59

You may well find they ahem cannot come up with the goods in the bedroom. Sorry. Like somebody else said just being realistic...

DillonPanthersTexas · 09/02/2022 14:19

I'm sure you will make an excellent carer.

ChargingBuck · 09/02/2022 14:40

@LittleMissTake

People do age at different rates I agree. Given the choice however many older men I know prefer an afternoon in with Midsomer Murders and full packet of digestives to a brisk walk up Scarfell Pike. Not a problem if a younger partner isn’t the active type.

An older man’s world view can be more difficult to live with. Sadly many are sexist and patronising towards women. They are not bad guys just a product of the very different times they grew up in.

Have you met any men under 50 lately? They're just as misogynistic as their elders.

The schoolboy age ones are even worse. 33% of teen girls report violence at the hands of their b/f or date.
djcs.wv.gov/grant-programs/all-general-programs/voca/Documents/Publications/Teen%20Dating%20Violence%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf

Constant exposure to violent & degrading porn, social media obsession with women's looks, & 'reality' tv has contributed to a current rape culture that is worse in many ways than the different times these older men were growing up in.

www.everyonesinvited.uk/

ChargingBuck · 09/02/2022 14:44

@fenellastripe

On the site I use women can send other women messages. It was along the lines of complaining about younger women chasing older men so older women don't stand a chance. There was a hint I was gold-digging but nothing in my profile suggests that (nor am I).
Why are you bothered by what some random thinks? Block her & don't waste any more time thinking about her.

Or the PP on your thread who are giving out 'sage & considered dating advice' to a 50+ woman, as if she doesn't already know what 70 year olds are like ...

AngelDelightUk · 09/02/2022 14:46

I’m 40. My ex husband was 23 years older than me, as I aged it felt like he aged more

I’m now with someone 17 years older than me, but who has a similar sense of humour and doesn’t feel old. No one has ever mistaken him for my dad, whereas they did with my ex husband

I think it depends on the person

Fairyliz · 09/02/2022 14:51

Are you insane?? I’m in my 60’s as is DH and our friends.
The men are literally all turning into boring old farts. God knows what they will be like in 10 years time.
Go and find yourself a toyboy if you are not interested in marriage.

Original poster
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 14:57

@Fairyliz

Are you insane?? I’m in my 60’s as is DH and our friends. The men are literally all turning into boring old farts. God knows what they will be like in 10 years time. Go and find yourself a toyboy if you are not interested in marriage.
Thanks. Maybe I should reconsider then Grin
OP posts:
SartresSoul · 09/02/2022 14:59

@KimDeals

Are you looking for someone with a bad cough?
😂😂😂

I don’t know why you’d want someone in their 70s when you’re fairly young but to each their own. Everyone has different tastes I guess, it doesn’t really matter.

Lightning020 · 09/02/2022 15:37

At least a toyboy could come up with the goods so to speak lol.

I still think a spirited man in their 50s is fine to chat to. At least then it can be the same taste in music and you can remember the same things from growing up the same generation.

Original poster
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 16:21

@Lightning020

At least a toyboy could come up with the goods so to speak lol.

I still think a spirited man in their 50s is fine to chat to. At least then it can be the same taste in music and you can remember the same things from growing up the same generation.

I'll take the advice on board and re-evaluate.

My dating profile needs work anyway!

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2022 16:28

Tbh if you leave the age restriction open you're not ruling out the older guys, just open to possibilities. My bf is 3 years older than me, seems like enough tbh.

SantaClawsServiette · 09/02/2022 16:38

I think you should date whomever you like.

I can see thinking somewhat similarly TBH. I'm 45. If I were on the market, I can see dating men my own age, and I can see dating older men - I don't have any hard line I'd draw there, it would depend on the person. But I can't see going much younger at all, I'd be starting to get into millennials and that would drive me nuts. In an OLD situation I'd probably draw a lower line around 40. And, TBH, I am not sure how many 40 year old men would be keen on me.

Meeting people in more normal ways is different and age wouldn't be something I'd look to define.

billy1966 · 09/02/2022 16:41

@KimDeals

Are you looking for someone with a bad cough?
Hilarious!

My husband said that to me before we started going out.

It was the first time I heard the expression and it cracked me up.

Member869894 · 09/02/2022 16:44

I don't think you'll be swinging from the chandeliers any time soon

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 16:46

All the best op, when I was younger, I did prefer the mrs Robinson lady as e.g. More experience, plus she was certainly a Mrs Robinson as that's how I became intrigued when I knew she liked me, I was early 20's she was late 40's.

Renrute · 25/11/2022 21:48

I am a civilised man in your age group.

Renrute · 25/11/2022 21:49

I am a civilised man in your age target.

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