To be paranoid about this guy?

8 replies

welshandconfused · 09/02/2022 09:04

I’m very open to honest replies so don’t hold back!

I separated from my husband in September and we are co-parenting our DS. When we separated I vowed to stay single and not get involved with anyone for a long time. However, on a work night out before Christmas I met a lovely guy who I’ve been seeing since.

He works long hours during the week and is also doing a part time degree so we don’t get to see each other that often (also I have DS half the time so I only see him when DS isn’t with me) However he did come to see me on my birthday (a weekday) and bought me some nice presents. He texts me every morning and through the evening when he’s finished work and is always very complimentary, calls me beautiful/gorgeous etc. All sounds good right?

So why am I so paranoid and convincing myself that he doesn’t really like me and he’s just trying to keep me sweet? He doesn’t talk a lot about himself or his family etc unless I ask him direct questions. I know he hasn’t told his family about me but his friends know - he says he’s a private person and doesn’t really discuss his personal life with other people. The main thing that’s making me question things is that he’s 12 years younger than me is really physically fit and has a good job. Whereas I’m pushing 40, with a child, could do with losing some weight and have an ok-ish job. He says I come across as really confident but I don’t feel it at all. I feel like I’m waiting for him to realise he’s made a big mistake and end it. I’ve nearly ended it a couple of times myself because of all this self doubt I have. My best friend thinks I’m mental and keeps telling me to just enjoy it and stop overthinking it.

My mum has always said that men generally don’t do things they don’t want to do - do you agree with that? I suppose I’m comparing it a bit to previous relationships where I’ve seen someone more often than I have with this guy. I just can’t seem to relax and go with the flow with this one!

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 09/02/2022 09:33

You separated from your husband and started seeing someone before Christmas. I think that you need to give yourself some space to adjust to your new reality and not overthink

Original poster

welshandconfused · 09/02/2022 10:03

Do you mean adjusting to the new reality of being separated (and should stay single) or give myself space to adjust to the reality of this guy being in my life?

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 09/02/2022 10:07

Being a separated parent

Journeynotdestination · 09/02/2022 10:19

Definitely give yourself more time. It’s way too soon to get seriously involved with someone else, I’ve been there myself and speak from experience! Keep him as a friend at least in your mind, try not to get too attached, he’s 28 and although flattering, the age gap is big. However I would say the same if he were your age… you need to find your feet, learn dating boundaries and feel secure in your own before starting anything serious. Also it’s really not great for your child - you need to focus on him/her given the recent split.

Original poster

welshandconfused · 09/02/2022 11:18

We’ve been officially separated for just a few months (as in, I moved out) but before that we’d been living separately in the same house.
With regards to DS, he’s too young to know about the split (he’s not at an age where we’ve needed to have a conversation with him) and I’m not even thinking about introducing him to anyone new for a long time. I only see this guy when DS is with his dad and speak to him when DS has gone to bed.
I appreciate the responses so far, thank you x

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 09/02/2022 11:30

The fact that your child is so young makes it even more important that you focus on the child and navigating this reality

Original poster

welshandconfused · 09/02/2022 13:16

My focus is very much on my child. He is my priority and that will never change. He is a very secure, happy boy and has settled well into his new routine. Me seeing someone has no effect on his life whatsoever and it doesn’t affect my ability to parent him when he’s with me.

OP posts:

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 09/02/2022 21:01

If a man wants to commit to a woman he does it. Men do not hold back on their desires. He would have made it 100% clear he wanted you by now if he wanted you long-term. Do not fall in love with him. If you desire a commitment from him here's what you do;

Tell him in the nicest possible way that it's over and the reason is your want commitment and you realise he is too young for that, but you want to remain friends. Then remain friends.

He will either accept this or he will commit there and then. Either way you haven't lost anything because if he walks away it means he was always going to walk away, but it could be months down the line by which time you will be heartbroken.

Flip