Receiving feedback at work: AIBU or can women never get it right?

[keverne]

Exhibit A: A younger woman was feeling unappreciated and not valued at work: feedback that she was perceived as young/ sensitive/ anxious, and in need of protecting/ reassurance, so nobody had felt able to give her any constructive feedback other than she was 'doing great and should just keep going'. She didn't get promoted, and didn't understand why, and was bitterly disappointed. People said she should have more self belief/ confidence.

Exhibit B: a woman in her forties was feeling unappreciated and not valued at work: feedback was that people felt nervous about giving her feedback because her response could be to push back, and that her confidence/ drive for excellence could make people feel threatened/ unable to work with her, and that she should 'consider the impact her energy and passion could have on others'.

Both scored highly in end of year performance reviews. But what should have been positive end of year conversations left them feeling upset, and considering leaving. Both have suffered from a lack of frank honest feedback which they could have used to improve. And been blamed for it.

AIBU that women at work can never bloody get it right? Too little confidence/ too much confidence. Too quiet or too loud. Never stand up for themselves, or do stand up for themselves. sigh

YABU.
Massive generalisation.

From what you have said, these 2 people have had poor managers but it doesn't mean that "women can never get it right"

Too emotional or too much a ball breaker. Have sat in too many different panel meetings to not consider the time worn tropes a genuine problem for women in the workplace.

YANBU happens all the time to women in the workplace

Yeah you can’t win. Too pliant and hard working? Not leadership material, not assertive enough. Too competent? Others think you’re “too aggressive”. Always the double bind!!

just had one of those - the always been told she's fantastic for years type.
She wasn't
Put up with it for a few months, with no one supporting the fact she needs to comply with company policies, or backing me up. Feeling relieved, have just told them what the fk they can do with their job and "fantastic" employee

Did either of these women feeling unappreciated and not valued actually initiate a conversation with their manager in the first place, or did they just wait for their review?

Agree poor line management in both cases, maybe well intentioned but not very constructive communication. But it does seem like women are walking a tightrope, where the same behaviours in men wouldn't attract negative comments.

I'm sure plenty of men have similar experiences but I think plenty of men are possibly quite at good at simply not giving a shit