How do I ask ILs to stop buying me crap presents!!

[Schooldilemma2345]

Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can handle asking my in-laws not to bother buying me presents! It was my birthday yesterday and the presents I received from them were, yet again, not really anything that I would want/like! Before I get roasted for being ungrateful, let me stress that I really don’t expect anything at all from them- I would be absolutely fine if we just agreed that I wouldn’t receive a present from them but having to lie and gush over something petty awful is really wearing thin.
I have 3 SIL and one in particular just re-gifts me things she’s been given for Christmas that she doesn’t like! One year it was a fabric carrier bag storage holder with Scottie dogs all over it (I reckon this was given to her as she has a Scottie dog!), last year it was a maroon acrylic hat- possibly suited to a teenage boy, that looked like it came from a pound shop/cheap market stall. This year is a big great beaded necklace with asymmetric silver coloured metal pieces hanging off it- I only wear quite understated gold jewellery. One year she gave my husband (her brother) a book and then said it’s really good, I read it very carefully before I wrapped it up!!
My PIL sent me a second hand book in a Jiffy bag not even wrapped up. It’s a best seller type book from about 5 years ago, and I’ve already read it. I’ll probably just donate all these things to the charity shop. My SIL’s birthday is before Xmas and she asked for JL vouchers so she could buy a pair of Ugg boots-we gifted her £30. My MIL asked for the siblings to go in on a pressure washer (strange present- I know), so we contributed towards that. Nobody has ever asked me if there’s anything I’d like and I would never ask for a specific thing- I would feel very awkward and grabby doing that and despite having been with my OH for 25 years, I’m very much a peripheral member of his family.
The thing is- they all have quite a bit of money- kids left home- aiming to retire by 55, second homes, yearly ski trips, expensive cars etc.
We have very little money- we’re self employed with 3 young children- we have a lot of debt. If I want to buy myself something- even something practical that I actually really need, I have to wait and save. We were without a car for 3 weeks in Jan and I walked 50 miles one week getting my kids to and from school- my trainers have completely fallen apart but I’ve had to super glue the sole back on rather than buying a new pair.
That’s what makes a rubbish present feel so wasteful- I’d genuinely prefer a bottle or wine or a bunch or £1 daffs. Failing that, I’d really rather they didn’t bother.
How do I word this?? I thought about saying, I’m not asking for presents next year but if they’d like to donate to a nominated charity I’d be really grateful- might that work?- obviously that would mean actually spending their money rather than regifting something they already have. I’m too polite to say I hate the present you sent me so I just send a neutral thanks for the X, I’ve had a lovely day type text.
Maybe I should just leave it and keep donating the things I’m given- WWYD?!

Don't mention the things you already have but closer to the time, maybe drop into conversation that you'd really like a jl voucher (or whatever) because there is something special you'd like to buy.

Could you or your partner suggest your families stop exchanging gifts altogether?

Ask them to donate the money they would spend to charity

Why doesn't your DH just make a suggestion re what you'd like for your birthday? It sounds to me like they don't have a clue what to get you and that as a family they routinely proactively ask for what they want.

So 2 weeks before, he should contact them and say., "School's birthday is coming up and I know she'd love [insert whatever]."

Oh, and yes, by telling them not to buy you a gift you absolutely ARE making a statement. I don't blame you. But either tell them you don't like their gifts (or let them know you think it's shitty that they can't be bothered to actually think about what you'd like) or come up with a solution that allows them to choose something you'd actually like.

It’s a tough one and I can totally relate. I got Santa socks from FIL and his partner for my summer birthday last year…

As it’s DH’s family - can he maybe be the one to suggest nearer the time to them “if you’re in need of ideas for X’s birthday, I thought it might be nice to put together for…”?

Get dh to tell them it's vouchers for them all this year and you are happy to get vouchers back.
. Stop being bullied into shelling out for their demands..

I think you should get your husband to have a discussion, ideal outcome either bring:

1. stop exchanging gifts amongst the 'adult' generation. They're family so maybe just be candid about debt etc and say you need to prioritise getting yourself out of the hole

Or

2. get him to text a few weeks before your birthday and say schooldilemma would like a voucher for X...if SIL is doing it then why not!!

My sister and SIL ask for vouchers, or worse, cash (!), and then give me some cheap random/regifted tat. I've even tried asking for vouchers but funnily enough that message gets ignored. I've stopped asking them what they want and now also buy random cheap tat in return. It's awful and wasteful though. Problem is that if you ask for vouchers you'll probably be expected to match it in vouchers/money contribution for them, and then it becomes a pointless voucher/money exchanging exercise. You might as well cancel gift giving and save to buy yourself something nice occasionally. It's very annoying though if they're much better off than you and are receiving better gifts whilst sending you any old rubbish. They're doing much better out of the arrangement! I think no gifts might be the best way forward? It's awful, as I think the crap gift is a passive aggressive way of letting someone know how little you mean to them in my opinion.

Set up a WhatsApp group for the family called “family gift ideas” and suggest it as a good place for you all to add suggestions in the year

I think the crap gift is a passive aggressive way of letting someone know how little you mean to them in my opinion

sometimes it's just a lack of taste!

Nothing to do with your problem, but it looks as though self-employment isn't working out for you, doesn't it? Could one or both of you get employment somewhere?

@Multicolouredsequins

My sister and SIL ask for vouchers, or worse, cash (!), and then give me some cheap random/regifted tat. I've even tried asking for vouchers but funnily enough that message gets ignored. I've stopped asking them what they want and now also buy random cheap tat in return. It's awful and wasteful though. Problem is that if you ask for vouchers you'll probably be expected to match it in vouchers/money contribution for them, and then it becomes a pointless voucher/money exchanging exercise. You might as well cancel gift giving and save to buy yourself something nice occasionally. It's very annoying though if they're much better off than you and are receiving better gifts whilst sending you any old rubbish. They're doing much better out of the arrangement! I think no gifts might be the best way forward? It's awful, as I think the crap gift is a passive aggressive way of letting someone know how little you mean to them in my opinion.

This is exactly it ⬆️

I'd give their present back to them on their birthdays, nicely wrapped.

My ILs are a bit like this, I haven't said anything, but would much prefer a card instead of presents I won't use. It's often the equivalent of something nice my partner gets too. Think him getting a Joules hat and scarf set, and me getting one with "cool girl" written in big, glittery letters and Chinese characters underneath it, still in the plastic wrapping from the market stall (not exactly what we received but very, very similar!) 😁

This happened with me and DH. Both used to get wasteful tat. He told them not to and it’s got better. His family, he speaks to them!

I think get DH to say no presents at all anymore. I don't give presents to my family or ILs and they don't give them back, outside of big birthdays. (Children do get presents we aren't monsters!) Actually the odd time they will, my MIL gave me a mug for my birthday this year because she thought I'd like it, I do :)

If you feel like you want to address this point this year could you claim the necklace is broken and does she have the receipt to return it? Imply you think it was expensive what with you spending £30 on her vouchers so you want to get it returned. This also opens up the opportunity to be all apologetic about presents sometimes being hard work and you’re thinking that after this year you won’t bother any more (it wouldn’t be fair to take on presents yourself and then choose that point to announce no more) so you will also have to do a reminder next year.

@missingeu

I'd give their present back to them on their birthdays, nicely wrapped.

This.

Re gift the tat but to a different person. Out of interest do they buy your dh a decent gift or crap for him too?

Yes, this is your DH's job to negotiate! He has to contact them and say, OP's birthday is coming up, I am getting her this x, would you like to contribute? Or OP would love a voucher for x.

My DH's family are another level. We get issued with spreadsheets and links detailing which colour of which specific hat, or whatever, is to be bought. Personally I don't like this as I prefer a bit of a surprise for myself and I also get pleasure from choosing something for someone else.

If they just bought terrible gifts in general, but only expected a similar level of effort in return, then I'd be inclined to say you want to stop doing gifts altogether - particularly as you need to watch your finances more carefully than they do. But the fact that they will happily ask for money or vouchers but don't seem to be prepared to do the same for you really is a bit off.

A second-hand bestseller costs maybe £3 at most, so if they're buying stuff like that for you and then asking for money and vouchers towards expensive items in return, that it is properly shit. I think your DH needs to either message them and say 'I know you're probably thinking about what to get DW for her birthday right now - just wanted to say that I know she really wants/needs X - so she'd love voucher towards it' and then see what happens. If that's ignored, definitely say you don't want to do gifts at all in the future.

Out of interest, is it just you that receives crap gifts? Or are they equally crap when it comes to presents for DH?

Are they having a snipe at your lifestyle; you mention lots of debt, self employment, 3 kids, not being able to afford new trainers etc?

If they’re comfortably off and employed do they see you as hoping for some financial help from them?

I’d forget about the gifts and focus on finding secure employment for yourself and DH, paying off debts, saving etc. you’re not in a position to contribute to their expensive Ugg boots etc and should make this clear!