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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fat =invisible?

26 replies

TheBigPeachy · 08/02/2022 09:01

I know about the older you get the more invisible you become theory but aibu to think the fatter you get it's also true?
Gained 3-4 stone (comfort eating trauma related having counselling blah blah blah)
Anyway 4 stone ago doors would opened, I would get ushered through 'after you etc' now nothing not a thing. This morning I had to walk in the road twice as men my sort of age carried on walking.
Don't know why Im writing this it's just annoying

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 08/02/2022 09:09

No I think it’s more a combination of things.
People are constantly on their phones so they don’t actually notice others around them. Then it’s not politically correct to open a door for a ‘lady’. Finally people have become so insular during lockdown that they have forgotten how to interact with others.

DingDongDenny · 08/02/2022 09:12

Yes, I think you can summarise it by saying with a lot of men (not all) if they don't find you attractive you are invisible

and if you assert your position, they get annoyed

It's misogony 101

Raquelos · 08/02/2022 09:13

Why on earth are you stepping into the road for people? Stop it. Make eye contact and don't give way. It is for them to check their route is clear and they can step into the road if they want to. That seems like an issue you can fix for yourself pretty easily tbh.

Re becoming more invisible. Yes, as you make your way down the perceived hotness/availability scale (age, weight, outfit etc) some men will behave differently. Honestly though, enjoy the peace and quiet, that kind of attention is often not very delightful and opening your own doors is a small price to pay for not having to deal with dickheads when they decide they have a right to interact with you.

TheFoundation · 08/02/2022 09:17

This morning I had to walk in the road twice as men my sort of age carried on walking

But if you hadn't walked in the road, they would have had to walk around you.

A belief that you're invisible is a strong factor in whether you're treated as if you're invisible or not.

GrumpyPanda · 08/02/2022 09:19

Don't walk in the road. Google "patriarchy chicken". If it's too intimidating to head for a direct collision,
just stop walking and stand right where you are, putting out your arms if necessary. Entitled arseholes.

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 09:21

Definitely people don't want to acknowledge me / my exsitence. People are so studiously avoiding looking at me that they often will move in front of me in queues and yes, force me to walk in front of traffic. It's a very clear message.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/02/2022 09:21

Is that because there's only room for one person on the pavement? If so, there's no reason why a guy should have to step off instead of a woman. But if you're saying two guys abreast didn't go single file, then that's rude and weird.

I think it's no big revelation to say that straight men may take more notice of conventionally attractive (i.e. slim) women. But really your examples are a bit off anyway as women can open their own doors etc so it's no great thrill to be objectified either. As long as people aren't actively rude, that's the main thing.

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 09:21

Women do it too.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 08/02/2022 09:22

You're over thinking things.

Im very fat, a lot more than a few stone overweight amd often get doors etc open for me. It's not because they want to see my underwear, it's because some people are polite and some arent.

Not sure I get he walking in the road thing..... I guess someone had to do it and you took the initiative first. The fact you're female is neither here nor there. You can't expect special treatment for that

Zazdar · 08/02/2022 09:22

Surely somebody has to walk in the road if the pavement isn’t wide enough.

What is the accepted etiquette?

5128gap · 08/02/2022 09:22

For me, it's absolutely true. And ime weight trumps age as an invisibility cloak. At 52 and 8.5 stone I am getting way more looks, courtesy and general attentiveness than I did ten years ago at two stone heavier (which is a lot at my height.) I think it varies though as some women attract attention whatever their size, but generally they are the ones who are particularly gorgeous.

Fridafever · 08/02/2022 09:24

You definitely definitely get treated better when more attractive, often this involves your weight. It’s so obviously true I find it astonishing people deny it.

Even small children have their work marked more favourably the more attractive they are. It’s absolutely a thing.

etulosba · 08/02/2022 09:25

just stop walking and stand right where you are, putting out your arms if necessary.

This sounds like the actions of a complete loon!

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/02/2022 09:25

Two thirds of the population is overweight. I don’t think they are invisible.

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 09:26

In fact yesterday I was observing a gym induction and because she was studiously ignoring my fat exsitence in her sacred gym space someone managed to try to put her bag on me (the space i was sitting in, out of the way of the machines). Didn't even apologise. The clear "you have no place here" message is received daily.

Cissyandflora · 08/02/2022 09:26

Yes I really think so. I am fat and in my 50s. Pretty much invisible unless I make a big effort to connect.
Very different from my slim and fairly attractive youth.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/02/2022 09:44

I'm in my 50s and fat.

I couldn't give a shit if I am noticed or not by random men. I certainly don't walk in the road though. Age trumps attractiveness. I like being middle aged and unattractive. I don't have to please men or meet societal standards. I'm quite happy to be a "Karen" (much to the chagrin of my kids) and make a fuss now and then when things aren't to my standard.

Embrace it! It's liberating.

NWE231 · 08/02/2022 09:57

it makes sense for the person who is walking towards oncoming traffic to step out in the road as they can see the dangers better

SplashinginPuddles1 · 08/02/2022 09:59

I know about this… I was fat in my youth. Definitely felt ignored. Walked the same route to college every day and experienced feeling invisible when I was fat and noticed once I’d slimmed down. It’s like seeing the world though different eyes.

Still the same me though…

5128gap · 08/02/2022 10:01

@NWE231

it makes sense for the person who is walking towards oncoming traffic to step out in the road as they can see the dangers better
It may well do, but its a fact that most men will give way to a woman they notice. The same with letting women go ahead of them through doors and on trains, so I know exactly what the OP means.
nodogz · 08/02/2022 10:06

Oh yes! It's a thing!

I'm now furious with 20-30 year old/conventionally attractive me thinking misogyny wasn't a thing because everyone was so delightful to clever little me. Idiot.

I'm a bit wiser now. And a valuable member of society regardless of how I look. In my 40s I'm now leaning in to my own style, bring great at my job, speaking up and trying really hard to like myself!

So you're not wrong @TheBigPeachy but but you can choose to recognise it, unlearn the shit standards and challenge convention. Or advantage your invisibility and take up shoplifting!

SecretIdentitee · 08/02/2022 10:20

I do think a factor aside from the misogyny is the confidence you lose with weight gain. I've recently lost a lot of weight and I know the way I portray myself even when walking gives me much more 'presence', I carry myself taller if that makes sense, shoulders back, head up, confidence and attitude mean a lot and I definately have more of both. I am way more outgoing which I put down to the positive mental impact of exercise and fitness. I have a lot less bad days.

inheritancetrack · 08/02/2022 10:27

Yes, when you get older, fatter or are generally not very attractive, you tend to be invisible. It's the way of the world so either do something about it if possible if it bothers you, or just accept it.

RedCandyApple · 08/02/2022 10:50

It’s so obviously true I find it astonishing people deny it.

^this! MN love to deny it but it is definitely a thing, I was very very fat and as soon as I lost weight people (men) started being so nice to me, offering to help with my bags, helping me off the bus with my pram, letting me on the bus first, opening doors, none of this happened when i was fat even if I was visibly struggling (I don’t expect help anyway) but as soon as I lost weight men couldn’t be more helpful, there is research into it and it’s definitely a thing. I’m back to being fat and invisible again. I think it’s to do with being less attractive to men and sadly being fat is seen as unattractive but yes attractive people are treated better even given lower prison sentences etc the more attractive a person is. I don’t buy the “confidence” argument.

Fridafever · 08/02/2022 11:02

The confidence thing is maddening to me, although not as bad as the one trotted out about how nice people are always beautiful. It’s really cruel to insist it must be your imagination or your fault for having ugly thoughts or something.

I’m a nice woman (I promise!) but I’m really ugly. I can’t help having a wonky face. I’m at peace with being treated worse than my attractive friends but I’m not willing to agree it’s my fault for not being confident enough. Pretty sure the man that snarled “ugly cunt” at me in the street wasn’t thinking “hmm she’s not walking tall enough and her head is not held high”. I was walking like everyone else, honestly.

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