Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

in a tricky situation - Are we BU?

16 replies

curlywurlyshirley · 31/12/2007 15:46

Had to namechange for this (SIL uses sight).DH had a text this morning off one of his work mates, the text simply said "phone me". DH phones mate & he tells DH that he saw BIL (DH's sisters DH) kissing another woman (well girl - he said she looked all of 20) we are all in our 30's.

Now, this isnt the first time this has happened & DH caught him once & did actually tell SIL but she stayed with him and this was before they were married.

The problem we have is SIL announced several weeks ago that she is pg with DC 2 and is only about 10 weeks pg. DH reckons we shouldn't say anything as it will upset her (obviously) plus it is none of our businnes. I personally want to tell her. AWBU to tell SIL?

Her DH is not only a womaniser but a compulsive gambler - he thinks nothing of blowing £40 on a bet several times a day. Can you tell I don't like him??

OP posts:

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 15:47

I wouldn't tell her but would consider having a word with him, if someone is in a position to.

lulumama · 31/12/2007 15:48

does she know he is a gambler? i doubt that she is living in cloud cuckoo land and thinks he is the perfect man

very hard situation, is the mate 150 % sure it was your BIL?

it is one of those times where the messenger can surely end up being shot...

you didn;t see it with your own eyes, SIL could easily say you are stirring or lying..

sorry , don;t know what to advise

Tortington · 31/12/2007 15:49

i bet she can tell you dont like him either.

its you dh's sister which means you are an inlaw!!!

which means that if you tell her you can bet your arse that somehow she will come out of this with her shit smelling o roses and you looking like a twat who wants to cause trouble becuase your jealous of??????

If it was my DH he would get his sisters DH and hold him high off floor and tell him that if he fucks about with his family he is going to get fucked up.

but we are common types

MrsWeasleysmagicmincepies · 31/12/2007 15:49

I agree tell him he was seen!

Original poster

curlywurlyshirley · 31/12/2007 15:50

She does know he gambles but I don't think she realises how much & how often he gambles.

DH mate knows BIL well so it wouldn't be mistaken identity.

OP posts:

poppy34 · 31/12/2007 15:51

I can see how difficult this is for you both but from sound of it even if you did say somethign (and can see why you might not wnat to) would your SIL believe you - lulumama is right. Esp as if you didn't see the alleged misdeed she is quite likely to say it was made up etc etc

FlllightAttendant · 31/12/2007 15:52

I think you need to tell her if you are good friends with her.

Sit down and have a cuppa and say, look I really have no idea whether this has any basis in fact, but this is what we were told, and tell her exactly what you know.

It would be wrong not to say if you ask me.

(Having seen an affair happen and many of the wife's friends knowing about it and not telling her...it was so much worse for her, knowing they knew all along )

Original poster

curlywurlyshirley · 31/12/2007 15:54

Yeah. I think DH is going to have to speak to him about it.

It's not only me that dislikes him, its all the family. He is a womaniser, gambler, drinker, and frequents strip joints - what is there to like about a man like that? Ok he is a looker, but that's all hes got.

OP posts:

FlllightAttendant · 31/12/2007 15:58

One thing though, try to keep it to one topic. If you start to bring in all his other fine attributes (!) she will think it is just that you don't like him. So just stick to the other woman bit and I hope she listens. Be prepared to support her decision either way though x

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2007 16:02

Oh good god - I do so wish someone had told me, instead I was the last to find out....

Conculation was all my friends stood by me and helped me get through the split and giving birth on my lonesome.

If you like your sil then fgs tell her - if you can't stand her then keep your mouth shut.

Lauriefairycake · 31/12/2007 16:05

I have been in exactly this situation about five years ago and I really cocked it up - what I should have done was approach him, tell him I know and then get him to tell her before I did (she was my best friend).

I didn't, in a weak moment I told her because I thought someone else might tell her first (he was out of the country)

Five years later he still doesn't trust me (him and I were also really close) and though we are still 'friends'its not as deep as it was though I love him dearly (unlike you cos your not keen on him anyway)

Her and I though are still as close as ever but couple stuff doesn't happen as much.

FlllightAttendant · 31/12/2007 16:42

Laurie, it doesn't sound like you cocked it up, it sounds like you did the best thing.
No wonder he wasn't too happy about it!!! The main thing is the innocent party (his girlfriend) is still your friend. She deserved to know, he didn't deserve your protection.

Emprexia · 31/12/2007 17:40

Dont talk to her, talk to him.
Tell him he was seen and give him the chance to come clean himself.

FlllightAttendant · 31/12/2007 19:00

Yes but I'm afraid he will just deny it. Then you'll be left with an uncomfortable secret. iyswim?

Vacua · 31/12/2007 19:02

I'd have to say something to her, it would be horrible and make me unpopular but I think she has a right to know - how humiliated would you feel if you found out later that everyone knew?

andfranksentthis · 31/12/2007 19:11

You say it happened before. Do you think from her reaction then that she wanted to be told? Or do you think she would have preferred not to know. He is obviously a twat who does this lots... this time he was seen. I think she probably guesses this about him, but chooses not to because she doesn't want to.

I agree with several posts here... get your DH to talk to him and make sure he knows you will go to his wife if he doesn't.

I was in a similar posistion...only found out 3 months into the affair.... would have preferred to have known right away. It might not have gone as far as it did and I might still be married to exh.

Flip