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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House move

19 replies

Sunflower12345365 · 07/02/2022 06:53

Am I being unreasonable.
I live in 1 place. And I met someone who I have been with for nearly 2 years. He lives 25 minutes away from where I and my children's father live. I am choosing to move his way as the area is nice and friendly, small and a little village. Should I be allowing the children to make the final decision on whether they want to move or not? The children's father had already put doubts in their heads especially my youngest he's only 8, about never seeing his dad, or family again... you would thing we were moving to the moon. Every now and then the ex messages and says my youngest has got upset and doesn't want to move etc. But my ex is 'telling me' that the children's decision should basically be final and if they don't want to move I just shouldn't move... help

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/02/2022 06:54

Are you moving the kids schools ?

PurBal · 07/02/2022 07:00

25 minutes? I’m not sure why anyone needs to move, I consider that the same area. I suppose if DS has to move schools then it may be more noticeable but the drive to my school was 25 minutes for primary and 45 minutes for secondary (longer if I took the bus). I think the primary caregiver has the final say, not a child.

Original poster

Sunflower12345365 · 07/02/2022 07:09

Yes the children will be moving school. Which we have been discussing throughout talking about moving. I am moving in with my partner that's why I am moving.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 07/02/2022 07:21

It’s a huge move - both the moving everyone in with your boyfriend and the moving schools aspect. You’re moving the children away from their friends. How old are they?

Ultimately it’s your decision and your ex is being very unreasonable telling them they won’t see him again! But it is important that you sit down with the children and ask how they feel about it, pros and cons etc, honest talk. Have you trialled it in terms of you and the children spending school holidays at your boyfriends house?

In the meantime, tell your ex to stop.

Redlorryyellowduck · 07/02/2022 07:21

Can't you just stay put and let the dc remain happily in their school?
25 minutes is nothing, you can see your dp frequently, you don't need to live with them surely?

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/02/2022 07:23

How old the the kids ?

Newdad19 · 07/02/2022 07:24

Dont put your kids through that for the benefit of you being closer to your partner. They are moving away from their dad and stability of their school and you risk the chance of them resenting you in the future for that - especially for the sake of a half hour journey

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/02/2022 07:25

My worry is that you've been with your partner for under 2 years. What happens if you split up and need to move out his house? You will be unlikely to find another house to rent or buy in a little village, so your children will need to move schools and area again.

How far are they from their dad now and what is the contact pattern? If round the corner, moving 25 mins away is significant as it's now an hours round trip. It limits him being able to do their school runs.

Is there a problem with your current area that means you want to relocate the children, e.g. bad schools? Or are you solely moving for your new relationship? I would be reluctant to uproot my kids for a relationship if they were happy where they were.

Spandang · 07/02/2022 07:26

I think moving schools at that age is really tough. You need to listen to them and talk it through, while you’re implying your ex is wrong to even suggest it, if you don’t address it he could apply to the court to stop you moving their schools.

What age are your older kids?

Original poster

Sunflower12345365 · 07/02/2022 07:50

What have I implied that was about my ex being wrong... you think its OK for him to tell the children that they can't move because they'll never see him or his family again?
We don't have a court battle going on so that won't happen as I am the main carer for the children. He does a school run once in 2 weeks for the kids but has them weekends.
The ex is moving too and he will be 15 minutes away from where I plan to move too. The issue isn't the changing schools it's the fact they think they 'won't see their dad again' which is ridiculous.
The house I live in now is my own home so although the question of if we split up came up, I have my home... however I wouldn't even consider moving in with him if i didn't believe the relationship was stable enough.

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 07/02/2022 08:09

It's not OK for him to be telling the kids that. He's being a knob head.

But why can't your partner move to you? That would be much easier and less hassle for everyone.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 08:19

I moved about 20 mins with two barely school age (3 &5) children but kept them in their school until they had made friends close by and then settled them into the local school. - just an option, but if they're very young without set friendships then they'll be fine (fairly sure mine would have been) It's certainly not so far family won't see them. Obviously MN is down on any new person in anyone's life ever because they've bought the evil stepparent lie. Let's face it, noone can be worse than the dad who is now manipulating the feelings of the children for their own controlling end.

Kbyodjs · 07/02/2022 08:25

I wouldn’t be changing my childrens school for a relationship. I do think you risk your children resenting you on that and should listen to them.

Kbyodjs · 07/02/2022 08:25

Obviously your ex also shouldn’t be telling them that though

Original poster

Sunflower12345365 · 07/02/2022 12:12

The moving school isn't the real issue here. I'm not sure where that idea come about it's the fact my ex made a big deal to the kids about not seeing him and his family and he said they weren't moving etc. Now he's put that in the kids head and it's getting repeated. I have obviously spoken to the children about schooling and that they WILL see their dad etc. We are going to do a pro and cons list tonight to work through any issues the kids may have... my issue is with the ex and wanted to know if I was bring unreasonable because of him. Thanks ppl

OP posts:

Newdad19 · 07/02/2022 13:39

@Sunflower12345365

The answer is yes. YABU

Freddiefox · 07/02/2022 13:42

So you are uprooting your children for a man you have been seeing for nearly 2 years. Why do you need to move them?
I think it’s really sad.

AllOfUsAreDead · 07/02/2022 16:06

But moving schools IS an issue.

You move them now and you have a home to go back to, which is good.

But what if this relationship doesn't work? What if you move in, you have a good time for a year or two, but then things start going downhill. 3-4 years later you have to move back home, and move them to a different school yet again. But maybe this time they have no space and you have to drive them 25 mins every day to school, or home school them. Or they end up missing friends they made at the new school and have no friends at their old school once moved back.

You are being selfish moving them to be honest. Your partner should be the one moving. Not you. You are uprooting children's lives and you cannot guarantee it's permanent at all.

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2022 16:09

Your ex seriously thinks the kids should be making decisions about where you live? I don’t think so. Tell him to jog on.

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