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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL attending DM’s funeral

20 replies

Bibbidiebob · 06/02/2022 20:36

My DM is terminally ill. We don’t know when exactly but it’s not ages. DP’s are also extremely wealthy - like lottery, life changing sums.

MIL is very grabby. This has been a big sticking point regarding the meshing of the two families as it’s obviously not gone down well with my side. MIL always keen to share in other peoples fortunes but is as tight as anything (always expects us to pay for restaurant bills, shopping when at hers, the list goes on).

My DP and MIL have only been in the same room twice since we married. Last time, which was only a few months ago, my MIL decided to curtail her trip as my family was not paying for her to stay where the event was (DM doesn’t know this exactly but strongly suspects considering MILs nature) . However, she was keen to speak to my DM on the day and try to inveigle herself. Obviously, it went down like a bucket of sick but MIL has the hide of a rhino so it doesn’t stop her thinking she might now have an in and has been making overtures regarding ‘family’.

So, I know when it comes to the bit she will start on about how we are all in it together and that she wants to support. We aren’t. We never would be and I know it would only be with an end to soft soap my DF.

How do I make sure that MIL doesn’t decide to land on my DF at the most vulnerable time when he won’t need the extra confusion of her ‘support’ and ‘help’. I know it won’t be because of just good nature, but with an eye on a prize.

(For context, MIL was very annoyed that a very distant relation of hers didn’t leave her money in a will because she had helped connect him to another equally distant relative).

OP posts:
cdba88 · 06/02/2022 20:39

I suppose just limit communications. Don't give her info/updates on your parents. Don't give her details about the funeral.

What does your husband think?

Trolleedollee · 06/02/2022 20:40

I’m a bit confused by your post. You’ve said in the title MIL and funeral. Are you saying you don’t want her to come to your mums funeral? Or are you worried she’s going to try and ask your dad to give her money? I’m not sure what you’re asking?

SiobhanSharpe · 06/02/2022 20:43

Wow. Is your MIL married? If not, are you sayin you think she will try and make a play for your DF after he is widowed?
Can your DH tell his mother she will not be welcome at the funeral, it's to be close family only?

MadMadMadamMim · 06/02/2022 20:43

Agree with PP. I simply wouldn't tell her. Losing your DM will be difficult enough without a pushy MIL. Make it clear to her that if you want support from her you'll ask, but you would prefer that she didn't intrude at a difficult time if you DON'T ask for her support.

Tell your DH that you have no intention of having your DMs funeral made into some sort of sideshow and make it clear that she is not to be told when it is until afterwards.

Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 20:44

You can’t stop people attending a funeral. It’s respectful of her to go. My MIL came to my DM’s funeral. Why would that mean she will entitled to money?
It’s a stressfully time but try to focus on your DM and forget this woman, for now.

MindyStClaire · 06/02/2022 20:44

@Trolleedollee

I’m a bit confused by your post. You’ve said in the title MIL and funeral. Are you saying you don’t want her to come to your mums funeral? Or are you worried she’s going to try and ask your dad to give her money? I’m not sure what you’re asking?
Yes exactly. Where I'm from it would be absolutely the done thing for your MIL to attend the funeral unless she really couldn't or was helping in another way (childcare for example).

Latching on to your father afterwards is an entirely different thing and it sounds like you may need to be quite firm.

I'm very sorry about your mum. It's a thoroughly shit time.

tkwal · 06/02/2022 20:45

How does your DH/DP feel about this ?

Liveforyourself · 06/02/2022 20:49

Tell your father about your experiences with mil. Warn him to steer clear. And yes to not mentioning anything about the arrangements or even visits. You will have to say no to her advances given your dm's poor health.

WhiteXmas21 · 06/02/2022 20:49

That sounds tough. Where is your DH in this? Does he recognise his mother’s money-grabbing tendencies?
If he understands what she’s like , ask him to tell her to butt out. If he’s oblivious to this , just ask him to respect your family’s privacy , that the most supportive thing she can do is give you space etc.

So sorry your DM is ill. It’s a truly horrible time and you don’t need the hassle of an insensitive MIL. 💐

Original poster
Bibbidiebob · 06/02/2022 20:49

I don’t think she would try and make a move on him at all but she has on numerous occasions said that if someone has real wealth (like this) that it should be shared more widely within a family including cousins, uncles, in laws …. than direct descendent ie: myself and DS.

Makes me pretty wary when she’s now starting to be much more friendly under the guise of support…

OP posts:
Liveforyourself · 06/02/2022 20:52

Ya, well don't ignore your instincts op.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 06/02/2022 20:54

As others have said, limit her knowledge of what’s happening. If she does attend on the day don’t leave her and DF alone. Low contact sounds the way to go with her

Ncwinc · 06/02/2022 20:59

I’m very sorry about your mum Flowers

Is there someone who’s a very good friend of yours who would be willing to act as a buffer - to attach herself to your MIL for the day, be pleasant and chatty and steer her away from your father and discussions about money.

2bazookas · 06/02/2022 20:59

MIL would only be at your DM's funeral if she knows when and where.

I'd forget to inform her of the bereavement until after the funeral .

CookieMunch · 06/02/2022 20:59

I’d just limit what you tell her. Tell her as little as possible. Never raise the topic of your parents and keep answers short and vague if she asks you. If she comes to the funeral tell your DP you hold him responsible for hjis mother and for removing her if she behaves inappropriately. What do you think she will actually do to get hold of this money though? Would your DF really change his will because someone is helpful for a short period of time? Could you just warn your DF?

Original poster
Bibbidiebob · 06/02/2022 21:02

No I doubt a change would be made. Doesn’t stop her trying tho.

OP posts:
FireMeetGasoline · 06/02/2022 21:42

I'm sorry you are losing your DM, however, I think that is where your thoughts should be right now. Unless I've missed something, your MIL has nothing to do with the estate or wills of your DPs. She has no say and absolutely no influence.

poetryandwine · 07/02/2022 12:36

This does sound stressful, and if you can comfortably keep details of the funeral from her until afterwards I think that is fine.

But will there be hell to pay? Among my crowd the MiL would ordinarily be welcome at the funeral. I do get what you are saying and agree the priority is to keep things as easy as possible for your family. Do you have a close friend or distant relative you could put on ‘MiL watch’ on the day?

JustBlethering · 07/02/2022 12:40

If it will cause you discomfort having her there then make sure your dh is supportive of this and doesn't give her any details.

MatildaTheCat · 07/02/2022 12:50

Regarding the funeral just tell her it’s very close family only.

A word of caution, when the time comes your DF will be like a honeypot with a swarm of bees around him.

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