What would you do?

[IsThisaWorkMeeting]

Not sure if this is a AIBU or not but here goes, I’m 40 husband 47, married for about 16 years and have an 8 yr old.
Marriage has been rocky mainly because lack of communication and emotional support- when I say Rocky not fights but mostly we both have emotionally distanced ourselves, mainly me because I don’t feel I get anywhere with him.
A year before my daughter was born I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks- my first launch attack was in a train when coming back from home snd since then have struggled to get into trains specially when the train pass through tunnels. Of course a flight is worse..,
Now the problem- we haven’t been home to visit our parents in 3 years, I list my sad to Covid k lol last year and couldn’t travel due to red list, local lock downs etc. Now we are planning a trip to visit parents- all fine and required.
My husband has come up with a plan which requires
A flight from uk to location A - to visit my mum and sister
Then a trip (flight) to location B - to visit his family
Then I travel back to location A with my daughter and fly back to UK with her snd he comes a few weeks later after spending time with his parents. Again understand all this as his parents are older etc.

The challenge is that I’m already panicking about the flight- it’s a 13 hour trip, but the plan of me travelling alone with my daughter while having a panic attack is making me panic more…true to his nature when ever plans are made they are made with no consideration for personal challenges- when raised I would either be told

Go to the doctor and sort it out
Or now since we are basically dealing with our own challenges - I get blamed for not communicating

I have tried cbt etc but it’s taking time- and I understand others have their own lives and doesn’t need to wait for me to catch up. But I cannot do this any faster.

Also I don’t want to take medication to manage this/ I’ll just depend on the medics all my life which is not what I want.

Part of me feeling like saying I’ll travel later and pull out- but it’s unfair on my daughter as she needs to spend time with her grandparents-

I’m trying to control my anxiety but all I can picture is me having a massive panic attack on the flight and upsetting my daughter.

My first port of call would be the gp for something to calm me during the flight.
Some aircraft companies do short courses to help nervous fliers over come their fears.

I can see your anxiety might make the trip home alone unmanageable.

I think you are being unreasonable not to consider meds if your anxiety is impacting your family though.

@ilovemybeachhut I’ve spoken to the gp and the option was Diazepam- which I don’t want to take. I would like to control this on my own…for long term not short term measures which I might not be able to come off

You could request some propranolol.

I’ve know people take it before having to do public speaking to calm their symptoms of anxiety. You don’t have to take it all the time, just as an px when you feel the need. It will get you through this tricky time whilst learning the techniques through CBT

There is no reason you'd need be on medication forever, but it will help with the anxiety you are experiencing. It will also work alongside doing cbt.

Your choice not to take it but ultimately that choice is affecting your whole family as you are not dealing with it yourself. You’ve just said CBT isn’t working - it often doesn’t as it’s not the right therapy for many people - so try something else or ask for propanolol which lasts a few hours and should calm you enough to deal with an immediate challenge but it’s effects aren’t long lasting so you’re not relying on meds if that’s the issue.

I don’t know why you’re against medication though even as a short term measure, it can really help.

Sorry I was reading that bit quickly, not not working but at the speed you need to do this trip, sorry I shouldn’t have put that. It may be the best therapy just a longer time needed.

You need to believe that you will be able to take Diazepam or similar for the short term only.
It sounds like what you (and your DD/DH) will gain from the trip far outweighs the downside of a medicated period.

I’m against medication maybe because it’s psychological- my mum had post natal depression after my sister was born, this was in mid 80s- obviously the understanding and the medical practices were vastly different and she was over medicated- it took her years to get off the medicine. I have seen her go from doctor to doctor to reduce her dosage but she was always prescribed a cocktail of medication.
I think that somewhat affected me…

OP, I have taken diazepam for flights and it’s brilliant. You can have a very low dose to take the edge off the anxious feelings and up it as needed. I’ve never felt like a zombie or out of control, it doesn’t work like that. I just feel less anxious and more able to get on with it. I know that some people fear medication, but it’s really helped me and allowed me to have the holidays I want. No after effects for a short course (I always took one the night before a flight, one before boarding, then as needed during the flight.)

I’ve also done the flying without fear course through Virgin which was really good. I will never like flying but I can help myself to not fear the worst and to calm myself with I start to worry.

The problem of your DH not understanding is a separate issue which absolutely needs addressing, but there are things you can do to help your phobia of flying and to feel more in control.

From what I see, you are thinking that your DH shouldn't spend the extra weeks with his parents, but return home to UK with you instead.

I sympathise. Honestly. I but it seems a little unfair when there's an alternative - medication.

Could you not go to GP and explain your fears over medication and see what she/he suggests?

@Gazelda not at all- he can stay there for longer if he wishes- I’m trying to think through

How can I make this trip?
How can I do this without affecting my daughter?

Gps attitude to medication nowadays imo is for as short a time as possible. Even 20+ years ago when I had pnd the gp I saw said the tiny dose I was on wasn't really doing anything and to come off it. I was annoyed with her as I felt I needed it, but she was right.

You are being selfish and unreasonable not to consider medication for the few days of flying, of course you will be able to come off them, you do not become addicted over a couple of days

I know this isnt the direct root of the problem but for now at least, Easyjet do a nervous flyer programme anyonecan sign up to. You could do one online at home if you had time before the trip?

Maybe some other companies do them too.

Try hypnotherapy

@IsThisaWorkMeeting

I’m against medication maybe because it’s psychological- my mum had post natal depression after my sister was born, this was in mid 80s- obviously the understanding and the medical practices were vastly different and she was over medicated- it took her years to get off the medicine. I have seen her go from doctor to doctor to reduce her dosage but she was always prescribed a cocktail of medication. I think that somewhat affected me…

You won’t be on it for years - not these days.

Could you try hypnosis perhaps?

I used to be an absolute awful flier for years. I lived abroad and had a 12 hr flight to get home. I was a nervous wreck most times.
However I went to a barbecue with my neighbour and met a pilot trainer there. He talked me through all the sounds and noises of take off and landing and to be honest when I knew what was going on I felt fine.
I’ve been a very calm flyer since and am doing helicopter lessons soon. !

@Ispini thank you.

I feel trapped- that’s what bothers me.

I've just come across this thread as I don't fly and am going to take my kids on their first hol abroad in October, but I'm terrified.

We supposed to do this in 2020, then covid hit and it's awful but I was so pleased that I didn't have to do it and have spent two years ignoring it.

I don't want my kids to be scared like me so want to do it - and I have told my husband that he's going to have to look after the kids from when we get to the airport to when we get out of the other side as I know that I'll be trying to keep myself calm.

I have only flown three times (first one I jumped out with a parachute, I was 16 and had no fear ) and the others were with my husband but I hated the flights.

I'm been considering contacting my GP, looking into hypnotherapy and the fear of flying courses, which I probably can't afford.

I too feel trapped and this is what frightens me the most. Take off to me is a rollercoaster but being stuck on a plane means that I'm in such a heightened state of anxiety by the time we land, I don't even notice!

I've taken a note of the suggestions on here and if anyone has any others I'd really appreciate it.

Hope that you manage to come up with a solution as well @IsThisaWorkMeeting