Aibu to wonder how you make weekends fun

[Rewritethestars1]

Hi all,

I'm 30, married with 2 dc. Both dc are disabled so life is pretty full on. I work 4 days per week. My day 'off' I normally attend appointments with the dc and I do all sorts of life admin with extra thrown in as obviously dc have extra needs. I try get on top of house work too if I get time.

Weekends just feel a bit relentless at the moment.
Dh has been out both Friday and Saturday this time but thats not regular and he does 100% pull his weight. He has friends to go out with and likes the pub etc where I don't have any friends to go out with and I don't drink alcohol apart from on special occasions.
My dc have clubs after school Friday and through the day Saturday so we are rushing around with that. Then I try catch up with house stuff. On Sundays I try get ready for the week, which can take extra time with dc medication organisation etc then i do the weekly food shop.

In the evenings I have to admit I'm pretty exhausted so struggle to stay awake once I sit down plus one dc is up until very late and wakes during the night with care needs. I do try have a bit of down time one evening a week but as I say once I put the telly on im asleep which is frustrating.

We have family locally but they don't want to look after the children which is a shame but is what it is. We don't really see them unless I nip in but they are busy so I don't stay long and its a bit of a pain with the dc. We are very isolated.

I did suggest we try go for a family walk today but dh is a bit tired and it is a pain with dc as they can't walk far and its a nightmare getting ready with them. I might go alone when they are in bed. It just feels a bit lonely.

I work alone in my job, I do see clients but I don't have colleagues. Dh works full time and goes out the odd weekend. I'm quite lonely if I'm honest.

I really want to find something fun to shake up the weekend so it doesn't all feel like chores and then back to work. What do you all do? Am I expecting too much? What could I do alone? As I say I don't have friends and with not having childcare dh would need to stay in. I'm happy to go out alone. I can make new friends but I can't maintain friendships, so alone it is. Which is fine.
Do you do anything extra or special? Suggestions welcome.
Thanks

You need to take time out for you, trust me I didn't, fairly similar scenario but mine are grown now. One family activity eg a walk, a movie, a board game etc is realistic and do a different each Sunday

Could you get some paid help with things like housework? So you have less to do to allow you a bit more downtime?

@gogohm I'm certainly going to try organise something for next weekend such as a walk. If i don't organise it in advance I feel like we get swept away with the mundane and it never happens so il schedule it in and see if it works better.

@JohannSebastianBach its worth looking at this, my husband is against this for some reason but il talk to him again.

What part of the UK are you in OP?

This sounds extremely exhausting and you deserve to have some "you time" that is actually satisfying.

I feel a bit like this at the moment, I don't think this time of year helps as you are more limited with what you can do in the winter I find. I am fed up with walks personally and struggle to know what else to do at weekends too that pleases everybody.

Could you do an online grocery shop during the week so Sunday is more free?

Could you and DH alternate the bedtime routine so one of you is relaxing and sat down sooner, less chance of you falling asleep?

Sounds like working 4 days a week is a bit much with 2 disabled DC. Is there any chance you can reduce to 3? Then you have more time just for you while they're at school? (not sure how old they are mind you!) One day could be catching up on house things/life admin and the other day more spare time for you.

@polkadotty2 I'm in Yorkshire

@Rainraingoaway21 very apt username. I'm agree the early dark night and rubbish weather do limit what you can do and make you feel a bit meh.
I'm looking for a new job at the minute which means I can reduce my hours. My children are both in primary school.

I understand exactly how you must be feeling OP. It's hard enough finding time for yourself or just fun family stuff when your DC are not disabled but disabled DC are a whole different ball game!!

I have three DC, the youngest is disabled. It's changed the dynamic entirely and doing 'stuff' is often more hassle than it's worth sometimes. Well most of the time. Because of that, we've just had to accept that in order to do stuff (live a more fulfilling life) we have to take it in turns. I am disabled DCs primary carer and my DH works full time but does his absolute best to give me time alone and time to spend /go out with our other DC.

You have to just make some plans even if they're just fairly insignificant ones like planning a walk somewhere nice just for yourself, or a bike ride or whatever floats your boat. I do have a hobby that has been made more difficult since we had our youngest and I've often felt like giving up because it's so much harder now but I force myself to carry on and my DH wants me to carry on as he knows, like I do, I'll disappear if I give it up as hard as it is to keep the motivation to carry on.

Make some dates for yourself OP, it's so important xx

Absolutely get some paid help if you can afford it, I have no patience for these men that refuse to make life a little easier for their partners. If I were you I'd have cleaners come Fridays, do groceries and a family outing Saturday, have Sunday be totally veg day, where you make a tasty brunch (with cocktails), have a walk outside, do puzzles/boardgames, read a book, binge a TV show and get takeout for dinner. And one night a week I would devote to a new hobby, just for you, where you can make some friends, DH can watch the kids. What might you be interested in?

You might also like to meet some families that also have kids with similar disabilities, that can be the start of a social circle for you and some friends for DC plus a safe space to talk about the difficulties of your situation and pool resources/knowledge. You might find a couple that are willing to swap babysitting nights with you so you and DH can have a date night.

Yep buy time - cleaner - anything else that's helpful, we have someone that weeds/tidies the garden in the summer. Online shopping with delivery so no food shops. Reduce amount of clubs to something more manageable.

@Blusteryoak thank you for you kind reply.
I did have a hobby but I gave it up as like you say it felt like a hassle. I do feel like you say that I have disappeared. Invisible. I'm going to try organising something for us as a family and also for myself, I'm just trying to think of what that might be.

Thank you @Benjaminsniddlegrass and @BookFiend4Life good suggestions. Definitely looking into a cleaner and online shop.

what do you find makes you happy OP? For me its friends and being at the beach so every Saturday morning, I get up when the DC and DH are just waking and drive to the beach 10 mins away, picking up friends, coffee and pastries en route. We get in the cold sea, dick around, scream, swear and shout for 20 mins then dry off and have a chat eating our croissants. It clears my head and re-sets me. I love it.

I hear you OP, its tough. It sounds like your DH and your DC have plenty of things for themselves during the week and weekend but you don't. I think you need to find something just for you, that's quick and easy but makes you feel like you've done something. How about going for a swim for 30 mins or a power walk with a podcast or music. You could visit the library every other week and have an hour there just sitting and reading.

Definitely try to find something that makes you happy and do it each week. I reset when outside. If I can't persuade the family out for a walk, I take myself for one, and during daylight not after everyone's in bed. I enjoy watercolour painting with water colour pencils, do that while watching movies so I don't double screen my night away. Could DH do more of the Sunday prep?

@cjpark that sounds amazing
@Tufty383 thank you im having a hard think about what I can do. I do enjoy reading and the library so that's a good suggestion. I normally take my dc but could definitely go alone. There is a lovely cafe next door too.

Saturday morning park run is a great way to be with people but without having to organise other people. You can walk or even volunteer if running or jogging isn’t your thing.

My DC are healthy & we have a cleaner but I remember this rut well. The way I got out of it was to book something in each weekend which had a set start time which we had to be there for. It didn't matter whether it was swimming or meeting friends at the park or anything, it just had to have a start time. Just saying we would go for a walk or play a game or even go to a local national trust place or something was too easy to let drift and then it was time for lunch or getting dark or something and another day had passed.
However, I also learned that, whereas I feel energised by seeing people and being busy at weekends, both DH and the DC need some real downtime when they are just staring at the TV. I can either get annoyed with it or I can use it as an opportunity to do something I want to do whether that's something useful like gardening or something for me like reading.

Thank you for a the replies. Definitely need to get motivated to book things in at weekends so we are not just wrapped up then the day has gone. I'm ok with sitting in front of the TV or having downtime occasionally but my dc don't do this so staying in feels like firefighting at times.

Online yoga once in a while can be really nice. I did a 6 week online ukulele class in the first lockdown which I loved.