It's hard to support a grieving friend... AIBU?

[Wiscowoman87]

I have a friend whose husband died in June 2020 at age 55 of an aggressive form of colon cancer. It's been very difficult for my friend to move on with life (pandemic, of course), and she and her husband had a very different marriage than I and my DH have - they did everything together, she worshiped him, took his advice on every aspect of their lives, etc. My DH and I are more independent of each other, and so her approach to her marriage comes from a different place than my attitude about marriage.

I and many of her family and friends have given her a lot of support these past many months, but it never seems like enough for her. I'm nearly at my wits' end. If I mention something that my DH are doing or discussing, she'll say, "At least you have someone to talk to about XYZ," or "That reminds me of how alone I am now," etc.

Jesus H. Christ! Can I not be normal around her, and I can I not be constantly "poor me'ed" by her? I used to say a few mild things to her to try to jolly her up or would just listen (as "they" tell you to do to support people who are grieving), but both seem ineffective and lame.

And is it just that she needs a lot of time to process her grief - more than what I think? (And what I think doesn't count, I know - it's her grief). I don't want to lose her friendship, but it's just really hard to continue to support her when our relationship is not reciprocal.

AIBU and should I just suck it up and mark it down to her grieving process? Or should I confront her nicely and say, "I don't how to respond to you when you say that to me?" and see what she says?

My mum was like this when my dad died.

I’d say it took her a good 2.5 years even to begin to accept things.

It’s awful, being widowed. She was so bitter and jealous of everyone whose husbands were still alive - including me, her own daughter .

I don’t think it’s wrong to tell your friend that you don’t know how to respond when she says these negative things, but equally she probably isn’t able to help it, and Covid isolation won’t have helped matters either.

I know exactly what you mean OP, my Mum is the same as your friend. Her and DDad did everything together and he did all finances, shopping, cooking, ideas for days out etc. Now he isn't here she doesn't do anything. She has complained and "poor me'd" as you put it to so many people she has lost a lot of friends she did have.

If feel I want to say "I understand you really miss him, but unless you engage with people and try new things you will lose the remaining friends you have". I don't know if you could very gently put that to your friend somehow? I haven't managed it with Mum. Sorry for so little advice, but I do know how you feel.

I think saying you don’t know how to respond is a good idea. Of course she’s still grieving but if nobody can even mention their DH then it’s very artificial.

Rather than suggest things to help her it might help to reframe things as ‘ what might help you to get through this and begin to be happy again?’

Bereavement counselling may help.

It took me just over a year for things to get better. Then I still had anger. Her grieving will have been delayed because of lock down. My friend's pulled me on things at around the two year mark and it did me a favour. I did adult education courses and a really friendly tutor took me aside and said people were starting to walk on eggshells. I didn't want to be that person so did a lot of work on myself. I'd give her until the middle of summer, then I'd have to remind her what being a friend should be.

It will take a lot longer than 18 months for her to go through the grieving process and it usually takes longer if there was a high degree of dependency and closeness in their relationship. It shows that it’s prudent as you say to keep a measure of independence within a marriage so that it will be easier when you do lose someone,
She does need to talk about her husband as much as possible as this is part of the grieving process and, in my experience as a counsellor, this will enable her to come to terms with her loss sooner than she would of done if not given that opportunity to talk about it.
Your best bet is to encourage her to go to bereavement counselling where you will have the time and space to facilitate the grieving.

I also think that saying you don't know how to respond when she says something like this is a good idea, to make her articulate what would help her, rather than you doing/saying something with the best intentions and her criticising you for making her feel worse.

Of course she's still in the midst of appalling grief, but you can't permanently edit the existence of your husband out of your life in her presence.

I think approaching it gently like you’ve suggested in your OP might be a good catalyst for her to look into some kind of counselling, and yes it sounds like it is about the right time if you, as a very good friend, are starting to get a bit wary of what you can even talk about with her.

There will come a point where it will wear thin for everyone when you can’t even talk about your own daily life or your DH because she responds negatively, and people will start distancing themselves or avoiding her.

I agree that bereavement counselling is probably the best way forward.

Suggest she gets a dcat? Ddog? Some people can't be alone. Not minimising her feelings but you are free to make decent suggestions to help her battle the lonelyness.. Must be tough for her...

Thanks for the good advice, all, and for your shoulders to lean on. :)

Re: pet suggestion - I thought that was a good idea too, but when I and others suggested that to her, she said (many times) that she doesn't want a pet - she says that all she wants is her DH back. Yikes. THAT won't happen.

I do need to talk to her (gently) about how she thinks I should respond to her comments.

And I need to give her a break about the how much time "I" think should be sufficient to grieve. 18 months is really not very long in the grand scheme of life, ESPECIALLY during covid.

She is already in therapy, thank goodness.