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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mil issue.

17 replies

Userno263647284 · 06/02/2022 15:07

Been with Dp nearly 10 years, I already had ds when I met him, ds was 1 when we met. Dp treats him as his own. We also have Dd together.

I never expected nor pushed dp's mum to be grandparent at all. But when I met Dp she didn't have any grandchildren (only have ds and dc now, her partner has grandkids but they barely see them!). She wanted to be an active part in ds's life, pushed ds into calling her nanny from the start (which was a bit strange at the time tbh), encouraging ds to call her partner grandad which again which is again about odd. She's a but of a nightmare in general, telling me how to parent. Telling me to stop ds seeing his dad etc. Been a bit over powering at times.

Anyway, she has had a fairly active part in ds's life.

But I feel things are different now ds is older (11).

She seems to buy Dd stuff but not ds. She comes over with stuff for her but not him. Ds never mentions it but I find he gets a bit triggered behaviour wise when she has stuff.

This is only a very recent issue. She used to come over with things for both of them.

She says ds is difficult to buy for whereas it's easy to get stuff for Dd which I do agree with, girls are easier to buy for but couldn't she just buy him some chocolate or give him a couple quid?

Aibu? I'll probably be told I am as she's not bio grandparent, but she's always pushed being 'nanny'. I didn't push it myself and now it's like this.

I think ds is noticing (he has sen) but not verbalising it! He's started to not want to go over there!

Wwyd?

I spoke to Dp about it. I thought he wound agree with me but he doesn't seem to care! He says ds gets enough from his dad - his dad he hasn't seen in several weeks!!

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 06/02/2022 15:10

I'd have a little word with dgm. Tell her he's feeling left out and sad and thinks nanny doesn't love him any more. What about his bio dgm? Does she not have contact?

Userno263647284 · 06/02/2022 15:11

@Dillydollydingdong

I'd have a little word with dgm. Tell her he's feeling left out and sad and thinks nanny doesn't love him any more. What about his bio dgm? Does she not have contact?
My mother lives locally...

His dads mum lives a short while away. She only sees him once or twice a year, if that!

OP posts:
Userno263647284 · 06/02/2022 15:13

I'm just said annoyed that I never expected her to be 'nanny', she decided for herself and was quite over bearing at times. Now it seems like she's not interested now he's older 😪

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 06/02/2022 15:20

Yanbu. That is totally unreasonable treating them differently when she wanted to be his nanny in the first place. Yes tween lads aren’t easy to buy for but it’d be easy to give him pocket money, or even Amazon cards so he can save up for something he wants.
I think your DH will have to speak to her —- both get equal amounts and if that means nothing each, then nothing it’ll have to be,

cherryonthecakes · 06/02/2022 15:21

That's very sad and I would say something. As you say, if she doesn't know what to buy then some money or something edible would be appreciated.

If she'd always been distant then that would be one thing but going from involved to distant without an actual trigger event is emotionally abusive

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2022 15:23

Do we have a touch of jealousy here OP?

He says ds gets enough from his dad

Is he behind yhis change in attitude do you think? Is he pulling away from the family arrangement?

Harlequin1088 · 06/02/2022 15:29

Yeah she needs to pick a lane and stick to it.

If she’d said from the off that your son was not her biological grandchild and she didn’t want him to see her as a grandmother, then that’s fair enough. At least it would be all your son had ever known from her.

However, the fact she’s started off with the whole “Ooooh call me Grandma!” deal then appears to have changed her mind several years down the line, that’s not on.

Userno263647284 · 06/02/2022 15:38

@LittleOwl153

Do we have a touch of jealousy here OP?

He says ds gets enough from his dad

Is he behind yhis change in attitude do you think? Is he pulling away from the family arrangement?

I'm not sure. Sons dad is a typical Disney dad. Doesn't see him very often but buys extravagant gifts for him so not ideal either 😪
OP posts:
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 06/02/2022 15:39

This is terrible behaviour from MIL. I would be putting my foot down and telling her she treats both kids the same or she doesnt bother with either of them. Keep your distance and the kids and I would upset her as she is being cruel and heartless and I wouldnt let anyone do that to my children,She needs calling out on her shitty behaviour,

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2022 15:42

I'm not sure. Sons dad is a typical Disney dad. Doesn't see him very often but buys extravagant gifts for him so not ideal either

This makes me think perhapd DD is picking up on what DS gets from his dad or maybe MIL/DP are and trying to balance - albeit in a rather horrific manner given the impact on an 11yr old child.

Could you reduce the contact MIL has with DS, perhaps see her when DS is with his dad? Need to keep a close eye on DP though as you do not want that in DS's home...

Freddiefox · 06/02/2022 15:46

I think it’s really difficult, it’s not for your mil to make a choice to leave ds out. But ds is getting and bringing home presents from dads family, it’s not really fair on dd.

I think blended families are difficult in this respect. And it’s unreasonable of you to lay the blame on your mil without talking about it with dh.

Userno263647284 · 06/02/2022 17:14

@LittleOwl153

I'm not sure. Sons dad is a typical Disney dad. Doesn't see him very often but buys extravagant gifts for him so not ideal either

This makes me think perhapd DD is picking up on what DS gets from his dad or maybe MIL/DP are and trying to balance - albeit in a rather horrific manner given the impact on an 11yr old child.

Could you reduce the contact MIL has with DS, perhaps see her when DS is with his dad? Need to keep a close eye on DP though as you do not want that in DS's home...

DS's dad has always been this way though... and this is a new recent problem!

Ds hasn't seen his dad since December and before that October so time spent there is minimal 😪

OP posts:
Holly60 · 06/02/2022 17:18

I would talk to her about it. Maybe she doesn’t realise she is doing it or the impact it’s having. If you talk to her and she carries on doing it, that’s another thing. But you need to give her the chance to sort it out - then that’s fair to everyone

SeasonFinale · 06/02/2022 17:34

I agree with you OP. Try to speak to her alone and say that it was so lovely of her to become his other nanny and grandad and that is why he is sad that now you seem to be stepping away from wanting to be so. Explain as you said a bar of chocolate would be fine or the old £1 coin pressed into your hand.

My parents treat my DSS as a grandchild but my MIL doesn't treat my DS (her step grandson) the same as the actual GC including my other son and it is very sad.

My oldest now is in the position where he will have a DSS and he will be treated as my grandchild and any future grandchildren because I see how a difference can be hurtful. If my DIL to be doesn't want me to be granny/nanny but just Season that will be fine but I will be treating the children equally and fairly.

Susu49 · 06/02/2022 19:23

Ynbu and agree you talk to her directly. Either she buys for them equally or not at all.

LittleOwl153 · 07/02/2022 09:16

DS's dad has always been this way though... and this is a new recent problem!

How old is DD? Has she started to notice what DS is coming g home with? Or was there a particular gift DS got that DD would like but you couldn't afford... I'm thinking games consol or something... it seems off if things have suddenly changed. I agree I'd talk to MIL directly if possible. Something has triggered it.

BunnieMilk · 07/02/2022 22:24

Ugh MIL hell. I wanted to comment that I can relate to the 'nanny' comment - my MIL calls herself Mama to my 2 year old son. She's a living hell. I'm pregnant now with twins and her son and I are over the moon.. MIL has already taken it upon herself to buy HERSELF a twin pram for taking the babies out! I'm only 12 weeks pregnant; what the hell is she thinking .
I don't know what goes through some peoples heads

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