Unreasonable about cancer diagnosis

Puddlewell · 2022-02-06T14:24:24+00:00

I have been diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time. I feel like I'm floating above life. Disconnected from everything even from my children (7 and 4). I love them and my DH but I don't really want to be around any of them. I'm sure it's a coping mechanism - we don't know yet how bad things are going to be. DH thinks my reaction is "wrong" and thinks I should be spending much more time with them not hiding myself away. I agree with him but I just can't seem to do it. Are my reactions all broken?

CorrBlimeyGG · 06/02/2022 14:26

Dissociation is a common reaction to very stressful or traumatic situations. Your reaction is completely normal. I hope you get some more positive news soon.

HollowTalk · 06/02/2022 14:29

I'm so sorry you have had a second diagnosis. That's really shit.

Your husband shouldn't tell you that your reaction is wrong.

You have had a huge shock and this is your way of coping at the moment. I'm sure you won't always be like that.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your reaction? I wonder whether counselling would help you.

jowly · 06/02/2022 14:29

Your reaction is perfectly normal. I'm so sorry you are having to face this OP, wishing you every good wish x

nannybeach · 06/02/2022 14:30

Your reaction is completely normal. I've only had a skin cancer removed from my spine. Plenty of scares and tests, over the years. It's horrible for you,you need time to process and deal with things. Bless you,I hope it turns out Ok

Somebodylikeyew · 06/02/2022 14:31

Your husband is the one who is wrong.

You do this how you need to x

Chasingsquirrels · 06/02/2022 14:31

Your DH no doubt wants to spend the time with you because thats what he needs at this point.
You have other needs.

You are both on a different part of the same journey, and as such will have different needs and wants as you travel along it.

What you feel you need isn't wrong at all just because it is different to what he feels he needs. Of course your reactions aren't broken! This is equally true the other way as well.

Can you both (separately probably, as you have differing needs at this point) access outside help as you both come to terms with the diagnosis?

I wish you all the best.

Original poster

Puddlewell · 06/02/2022 14:33

I can't seem to just pull myself together or act normal. It actually hurts to be around my children. I am typing this hiding in my bed with the blanket pulled up over my head like an actual child. It's like I can't be in the real world. I've spent all day on my phone/ tablet. I know why it's hard for DH. I just don't know how to fix myself. I'm going to call my Breast Cancer Nurse in the morning and see what she says.

OP posts:

SolasAnla · 06/02/2022 14:44

Its a shock reaction🌻

Your subconscious brain is shutting down your thought process and refusing to process the diagnosis in a "rational" way to protect you from having to look into the future. There is nothing "wrong" about your reaction, you can only deal with what you cope with on a given day.

I would suggest that your husband also needs some external handholding by a cancer support group so he can vent what he is feeling. What you feel and what he feels will not be in alignment and thats ok. He will need to be there for you and your children on the days you cant be and he is apparently not coping with that.
You are both starting a process neither of you can control but this imo is him attemp to overlay a feeling of order.

Bagelsandbrie · 06/02/2022 14:45

Sorry to hear your news.

I really don’t think there’s any “right” way to be.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/02/2022 14:54

@Puddlewell

I can't seem to just pull myself together or act normal. It actually hurts to be around my children. I am typing this hiding in my bed with the blanket pulled up over my head like an actual child. It's like I can't be in the real world. I've spent all day on my phone/ tablet. I know why it's hard for DH. I just don't know how to fix myself. I'm going to call my Breast Cancer Nurse in the morning and see what she says.

Oh Puddlewell, this sounds like an entirely reasonable reaction. Have you got other family who can help your DH and with the children. It isn't a case of pulling yourself together or fixing yourself. I hope your BC nurse can help refer you to services that can help.

Silkierabbit · 06/02/2022 14:55

So sorry to hear your cancer diagnosis with young children. When I got my cancer diagnosis I felt it was happening to someone else, and when I told my BCN she said a lot of people say that. I did not want to seperate from DH or kids but also was afraid of telling kids and shattering their world and I think your reaction is a normal one and its a big shock. Also you have been through it before so you know what you are facing and I often just want to hide. I have more results on 8th and then I know they will tell me need 6 months chemo in addition to rest of plan and just had 2 lots of surgery and missing a breast and part of my arm already and I just want to hide and not go. Just take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

saoirse31 · 06/02/2022 15:03

Yanbu. I think you have to procesd news and decide for you what is best approach to take. Best of luck op.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/02/2022 15:58

I've had cancer and it does feel so unreal, it can't be happening surely?
I'm so sorry you've been diagnosed with it again, it's every cancer patients greatest fear. Be kind to yourself, hide if you need to. I'm afraid your DH doesn't understand how you feel, talk to him but don't let him make you feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

I'm so sorry and really hope they can cure you again and let you get on with your life

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 16:00

You are in shock and denial, op. You are handling this the best way you can right now. Your husband really needs to back off.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 06/02/2022 16:01

sending love

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 16:03

It's a survival reaction.

Be kind to yourself

Original poster

Puddlewell · 06/02/2022 19:43

I did manage to do bits with the kids today but it was all an effort and interspersed with lots of hiding out in my bedroom.
I’m honestly looking forward to being in work tomorrow. (I work long hours). It’s so much easier and I feel awful for thinking it.
@Silkierabbit I will be thinking of you on the 8th too.

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Silkierabbit · 06/02/2022 20:16

Thanks Puddlewell Its really hard 💐 I would also imagine your DH maybe in denial as well, mine was and kept saying we will grow old together and do this whilst I was trying to deal with the fact I may not live to get old. The best thing I found was to talk to him and say please do not say that because it upsets me the thought that what I expected my life to be will be very unlikely to happen and I showed him the stats. He was upset by those but it was much better having an agreed way forward together. People cope differently though and lots cannot think of death at all but whatever you feel the best thing is when you are ready tell your DH so he can support you better. I also found it easier not to tell lots of people and be selective who you tell to those who will be supportive but do whatever helps. There is a cancer support thread in general health with quite a few of us going through cancer.

Original poster

Puddlewell · 06/02/2022 22:30

Yes my DH sounds similar @Silkierabbit it’s very difficult. He keeps telling me not to look to far into the future and to focus on the now etc. But I am a worst case disaster planner by nature and I need him to be able to go with that and discuss what will happen with different eventualities with me.
Thank you for the support thread suggestion. I will take a look. I know it sounds daft but I’ve not wanted to go back into that world. I think it helps though, talking to people who get how shit it is and who aren’t trying to make you feel better about it

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Confusedmeanderings · 07/02/2022 02:29

Hi @Puddlewell. Firstly, as so many people have said, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. I'm going through treatment for breast cancer at the moment and I have moments of feeling totally disassociated from everything. You are having a much harder time though. So here are some things that have worked for me, hopefully one of them might be helpful.

Macmillan offer counselling sessions to both cancer patients and their partners. Its over the phone, but there is a 6 to 10 week waiting list.
I really recommend the Breast Cancer Now forums. There are different ones for diagnosis, treatment and for cancer survivors. You can also talk to a nurse if you need to. *Spoil yourself, and if that means spending the day in bed, do it! Let other people spoil you too. For some people this is their way of expressing their feelings. My DH doesn't really do talking about his feelings, but spent ages talking to the pharmacist and going to different beauty counters to get the best body lotions he could get to help soften my scar and to help it heal. *On the spoiling front, Cancer Care UK do a goody bag for patients with any type of cancer. Its totally free. You don't have to be nominated for it, there's an online form to fill in and you just need the name of your oncologist or consultant.
if you want to, cry - why the hell shouldn't you. But equally, if you don't want to, then don't think that you must be weird, you're not.
All housework, chores etc can either go to the devil, or preferably to someone else. If the house is a tip, so what? It isn't going to hurt anybody.

Sending a big hug, but a bit gingerly because I'm still sore!! And PM me if it would help.