AIBU to not notice new clothes?!

[Pumpkinpatch22]

I honestly didn’t realize I’d done something wrong but apparently so.

Went to see some family and my grandma (70) had a new top on. I didn’t notice and she’s not happy with me.

Apparently it was rude and ‘unpleasant’ not to compliment her on it. She accused me of not liking it and she would rather I told her the truth. It is nice, which I told her, just genuinely hadn’t noticed.

Apparently I have changed and used to notice stuff like this. Yes I probably did as a teen but life is far too busy these days and as long as I’m comfy fashion just isn’t my thing! I suggested that I don’t take notice of that sort of thing and maybe it was her need not mine wanting me to notice rather than me being unpleasant and I said it would be easier next time if she lets me know something is new so I can comment on it.

Is this a generation thing? I’ve not noticed her comment on this before but maybe she hadn’t worn something new when we’ve seen her recently.

I think you're over thinking it 'maybe it was her need not yours', well obviously it was, but what's the point of saying that to her, when 'oh sorry grandma, it's lovely' would do? In future just say 'your top looks nice' and I'm sure she'll say 'it's new' or 'I've had it ages'.

Not a generation thing.
DM is 70 - how am I supposed to know what clothes she owns?

Bonkers.
Is she usually hard work?

I have no idea what clothes my grandma owns!

Well I'm sympathetic to not noticing ( it took me three days to notice DP had shaved his beard but in my defence it was not a full beard) but I think you handled it a bit directly. Rather than school her on her need for external validation you could have just apologised , said it looked lovely and moved on.

It sounds like she was being over the top and unpleasant but what did you achieve by fanning the flames. Do you honestly think someone is going to suddenly become self aware of their need for external validation because you told them so?

The conflict sounds a bit half of one six of another to be honest.

@Nietzschethehiker

Well I'm sympathetic to not noticing ( it took me three days to notice DP had shaved his beard but in my defence it was not a full beard) but I think you handled it a bit directly. Rather than school her on her need for external validation you could have just apologised , said it looked lovely and moved on.

It sounds like she was being over the top and unpleasant but what did you achieve by fanning the flames. Do you honestly think someone is going to suddenly become self aware of their need for external validation because you told them so?

The conflict sounds a bit half of one six of another to be honest.

This

Sorry but that wasn't polite or respectful of you to basically tell her off for wanting validation, what you said sounds very direct. Maybe she doesn't spend time with many people anymore or feels insecure about her looks as she's aged so she wants compliments. Maybe she's just had a bad day. She won't want to tell you each time 'this is new', because then she'd think if you say 'oh it's nice' then you don't mean it. Just try to be more positive around her now, it's a tiny thing which will make her happier.

Maybe it's a bit annoying that you were expected to notice, but a simple 'Oh sorry, it's lovely. I'm not very observant' or some such platitude would have been less incendiary.

My MIL expects me to notice when she gets a new ornament (every week!) or changes her walls from one shade of cream to another. I will NEVER notice these things by myself - well, maybe the smell of paint - so I have learned to keep the peace and say 'Oh yeah, now you come to mention it, I thought something was different ...' etc.

Thanks all. I shall make sure I give her all the compliments next time

You have a very silly granny who needs to find a hobby. She sounds like hard work.

I disagree with the advice that you should have bitten your tongue and apologized.

I think you said something she needed to hear. Fishing for compliments is unpleasant, and hauling someone over the coals for not noticing your clothes is batshit.

Do give her all the compliments next time - go really OTT. See how long it takes her to realise you are only doing it because she expects it.

What did she say to your reply?

I think you handled it well. It's great that you called her out on it and explained exactly why

Why should the OP have ‘called her out’ on this? I honestly wonder if people have lost the art of simply letting things go and getting on with it. Not everything needs to be picked apart or turned into a confrontation.

I wouldn't have noticed either , maybe the fact is you have a lot of things going on and a full head whereas she hasn't and can't understand why you didn't notice the new top as it was possibly the only thing she had happen to her in a while
Probably I haven't explained that very well but hopefully you get the gist
I would go in next time and say something along the lines of that's a pretty / nice/ interesting ......top/ ornament/ bracelet/ book etc etc is it new ? Gets them off your back without too much effort

Unless it was a fishnet crop top, YANBU.
However, YABU for even thinking it could be "a generation thing".
One of the (many) joys of ageing, is not giving a toss.

Why should the OP have ‘called her out’ on this?

Because she was accusing her of being rude and unpleasant, that's not OK for simply not noticing something.

No. Its not a 'generation thing' ffs.

More ageist shite on here.

Just because your nan is sensitive over it, it does not mean that every single person of her generation is the same.

I doubt my 76 year old mum would give a flying fuck.

It's a 'person thing'. Not an age thing.

How are you supposed to know the age of everything that’s in your grandmother’s wardrobe? How odd.