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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Annoyed with DH

14 replies

LuisaLove · 05/02/2022 15:59

Genuinely interested to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not.

So last night DH revealed that he's been lying to me about the number of people he has slept with. It's actually lower than what he first told me.

Now, I genuinely don't care how many people he has slept with but I was/am annoyed that he lied to me about it.

But what's made me angry is that when I expressed my annoyance about his lie he has flown off the handle and said 'I don't give a fuck that I lied! It's not like I've done X, Y or Z'.

He says this whenever he upsets me like I have no right to be annoyed because it could have always been worse. I should just be grateful it isnt that bad.

AIBU here? It really wouldn't have been such an issue if he hasn't said what he did.

OP posts:
shoofly · 05/02/2022 16:02

Basically he's just told you he doesn't give a fuck about what you think. That's not on. You are definitely not being unreasonable

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2022 16:04

I really wouldn’t make this the hill you die on. Societal conditioning and attitudes towards sex and relationships mean it’s really common for people to lie one way or the other about their number of sexual partners - men up because they feel embarrassed at apparently not having been sexually successful, women down so that people won’t think them sluts. It doesn’t really mean anything about his character and I think hounding him and demanding an apology for his lie is going to be getting his back up because it’s just reinforcing that old feeling of embarrassment. Assuming this is an isolated issue then I’d just move on.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2022 16:06

(Though I’m also aware that his being a man will affect peoples responses: an almost identical recent thread but where it was the female OP who had knocked a handful off her “number” received resounding agreement that her DP had no right to question why she’d done it as it was none of his business to start with.)

TracyMosby · 05/02/2022 16:09

I should just be grateful it isnt that bad
What isnt that bad? The actual number? Or lying?

I find it really odd he told you now. Why was there a need to do that? Was he just wanting you to be upset he lied? Would he be able to guess that would be your reaction?

Once he showed you how little respect he has for you, what did he do?

mum11970 · 05/02/2022 16:10

I don’t know why it’s a question people even ask. Just why would anyone ask? It is no one else’s business than yourself.

ANameChangeAgain · 05/02/2022 16:12

Agree its no one else's business. Why does it matter? Why did you ask?

lucylucyapplejuicy · 05/02/2022 17:28

To be fair I'm sure a lot of men lie to try and make themselves sound 'impressive' when in reality Who really gives a shit! Yeah his reaction is out of order I guess maybe it's hurt his pride a bit you questioning but I'd just move on from this and not make it a big deal

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 17:30

Why did he confess now? That would make a bit suspicious, tbh.

WTF475878237NC · 05/02/2022 17:32

I wouldn't be annoyed that he lied assuming it was years ago and he was an immature young man thinking it would be more acceptable or impressive. However, I wouldn't be impressed by his catch all response to current issues that things could be worse so shut up!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/02/2022 17:34

I dont think the lie is that big a deal (assuming he told you at the beginning of the relationship when he didn't really know you) but your second statement is concerning.

Every time you express upset at something he has done then he gets annoyed at you because it could be worse? I guess it makes a difference what upsets you, if you're having a go at him for random small stuff then maybe I can see his point but if its stuff that would upset most people and it's notthat frequent that you tell him then it's horrible that he is trying to effectively train you into not expressing your feelings- he is effectively telling you you're not allowed to criticise him about anything ever

Mamette · 05/02/2022 17:36

when I expressed my annoyance about his lie he has flown off the handle and said 'I don't give a fuck that I lied! It's not like I've done X, Y or Z'.

I agree it’s annoying he lied but it probably took something for him to admit this and he was feeling vulnerable and then you criticised him. I’m not defending him but I can see why he lashed out.

Original poster
LuisaLove · 05/02/2022 19:27

I think you're right @Mamette

We've had a long talk tonight and he said the exact same thing and he has apologised.

I've explained how I feel about the ' X Y Z' comment and I think he understands how I feel now. He says he will try to be less reactive in the future and I believe him.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 05/02/2022 19:39

I don’t know why it’s a question people even ask. Just why would anyone ask?
Can't begin to imagine ever asking my DH that - even before he was my DH. Bizarre.

Onlyforcake · 05/02/2022 19:45

Liars can lie about anything though. What are the X / Y / Z were they actual things? I'd be wondering if he was then guilty of those things too.

It's responsible to discuss certain facts about previous relationships, the nber might be part of that conversation. If they weren't open then for me that wouldn't be a serious relationship going forward. Honesty, or the lack of, for me is a deal breaker. There's no point in being with someone who could have potential ly lied about anything. Especially if he doesn't give a fuck about lying. It shows complete lack of respect.

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