Overwhelmed by DP's hobbies

[shropshire11]

DP and I have been together for four years and live together. We are in our late 30s. We have both agreed we don't want kids. We both have quite successful careers, but our jobs are demanding.

DP has always been very hobby-orientated, with lots of interests. Given that we aren't raising a family, this has felt like a good thing. I also have a lot of interests, but include quite a bit of 'lazy down time' in my life to potter around, stay on top of life admin, see friends in the pub, etc.

For the past six months or so my partner has been stepping up multiple hobby activities. She is currently taking three remote courses at once - typically needing 3 hours on Zoom on multiple weeknights after work, and taking online exams. This weekend she booked a course running 9-5 on Saturday and Sunday. This also coincides with a really busy period for her at work.

I've always admired my partner's open view on life. I have encouraged her to continue to have an active life while we've been together, and admired all the great things she does - learning languages, etc. But I think things have gone too far - she is totally drained all the time. When we do spend time together, she seems to have nothing left in the tank for 'small talk' and couple stuff. She bursts into tears after a stressful day at work.

When I try to gently tell her to consider scaling things back, she won't hear of it. I don't want to be controlling, but I miss having a partner who didn't seem totally knackered all the time and whose life is so disorganised around this packed hobby calendar. Maybe part of this is pride at "not feeling like a priority", but I don't know how to get her to take on a more balanced approach.

On the other hand, am I being unreasonable and should I accept that she wants to devote herself to her passions, and I should accept that and work around it?

You are not at all wrong to want your partner to spend some quality time with you. I would approach it from that perspective rather than the hobbies being too much (even though it sounds like they are)

It sounds like she has overcommitted herself. Sometimes it takes other people to see this, so she may perhaps not perceive it as such. Could she postpone some of them, ie just do one online course at a time and have a timeline for when she will do the next one?

Thanks for the thoughtful response. We do "spend time" together, e.g. watching a bit of TV in the evenings, but it's not quality time because she is so tired. When we had a recent 'date night', it fell to me to start every conversation. I love my partner but I want to be with someone who brings some energy and positivity to things, rather than investing all of it in cookery courses, language lessons, etc.

I would be worried about her mental health tbh. It seems bizarre for her to keep herself so busy and never to factor in down time. Has she always done this much or has it increased lately?

I don't know what to suggest really as you need to start by talking to her but it sounds as if you barely get any time to do that, and when you do she's not up to recent conversation! But if you do manage to talk, the way I would approach it would be to ask her lots of questions (rather than telling her what you think she should do), say you've noticed she's busy with work and everything else, and that she's sometimes tearful, ask if she is doing ok atm and if there's anything you can do. Ask if she's enjoying all her hobbies. And if she wants more down time or time to do things with you.

Who knows what's going on, it i had to guess I'd say she might possibly be keeping busy to distract herself, perhaps she's unhappy and trying to do too much in the hope of feeling better... who knows. Talk to her if you can.

If she doesn't want to talk or change anything, though, YWNBU to consider ending the relationship. No point staying with someone who's not interested in spending time with you

Thank you for your thoughtful ideas. She won't postpone things, as some of these interests are in social clubs where she is the treasurer/secretary/etc. Or the courses take months and she is part-way through.

I think she has always been like this, but over the past year it's gone from being "a busy life" to a relentless succession of things with no real gap in-between. It was just about manageable when work was quiet, but now it's too much.

I think I have to talk to her, but it's very hard when someone is already on a knife-edge and you are telling them they need to question a fundamental part of how they see themselves. It almost feels like a compulsive need to be busy, that she's afraid of not moving.

Do you do any of these things together? Like the cookery course - could you do it together? Then you are spending quality time not just sat in front of the telly?

Sounds like she has become addicted to ‘doing’.
Are you sure she’s not doing it to a avoid anything in her life ?

Often people do things so they don't have time to think about the problems they have.
Personally I would think my partner was trying to avoid me by doing this.

I’d sit her down and have a proper chat about it. Make sure she’s not trying to avoid something, sounds like her mental health isn’t that great.

Tell her you need more attention or get a dog.

One of my friends is like this.
She was diagnosed with ADHD very recently.

.....when someone is already on a knife-edge and you are telling them they need to question a fundamental part of how they see themselves

Each of us is entitled to live our life as we choose, up to and including so many activities that we're knackered. The 'problem' is that not everyone's lifestyle is compatible with being part of a couple, as appears to be the case here.

You want her to ramp things down because it suits you. It could be that for her lessening her activities would be more detrimental than being uber-busy all the time. It's a decision she's entitled to make, just as you are entitled to order your life as you see fit.

Talk to her by all means, but remember that she can make her own life choices as she sees fit. If they don't fit in with yours, then perhaps the relationship isn't meant to be.

I have a friend like this. He "needs" to be busy it's his way of handling his depression/avoiding sitting with self.

if she is crying and breaking down I think you need to try and have a very gentle conversation with her about what makes her happy.

Second possible ADHD. I recognise that feeling of running on a motor and being 'driven' all the time.

Thanks for all the comments above. I hadn’t considered ADHD, which is something to consider.

In all other ways, my partner seems to consider that we are very close. But it may be that this is avoidance, of something in herself, or something in me, or something in the relationship. So I do get it - that it’s not just about her and maybe it’s about me.

You aren’t being unreasonable, of course.

I’d expect it will take a series of conversations, not just one big conversation to get change. I’d say that I missed her, and was worried about our relationship, but I’d also dig in to why she has ramped up, an early mid life crisis?? If there is no change in 6 months you might need to think again, but give it a bit of time for her to get it.

When was the last time you discussed having a family? Has she been mugged by her biological clock? Changed her mind? Trying to fill a gap so she doesn't have time to think?

She's clearly distressed about something. I'd go back to first base and talk it all through.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be together. She can't give you what you need. Accept this, end it, and move on.

Maybe part of this is pride at "not feeling like a priority"
It's entirely reasonable to want to be a priority, & it's not pride that's making you feel undervalued - it's your DP's inability to give you any quality time.

but I don't know how to get her to take on a more balanced approach.
You can't, & it must feel miserable.
If she prefers to run herself ragged, & only see you when she is knackered or weeping ... what's the point?

You are incompatible, & she won't make you happy.
I'm all for not living in each other's pockets, but she sounds more like a room mate than a committed partner.

Sorry it sucks. I'm sure you've raised this issue many times. If she doesn't want to change, you'll need to spend some time considering your own priorities, & how much longer you can tolerate this.

If the DP were a man, the cried of "LTB" would be raising the virtual roof ... as would the sceptical questioning of who is doing all the housework & life admin while DP does her hobbies ...

are you sure she is still into you? maybe she is checking out because she no longer wants to be with you.
it's a hard conversation but probably where i would start.

Honestly it sounds like she doesn’t want to spend anytime with you at all, and when you do spend time together she makes no effort. Actions speak louder than words,she is telling you she is not remotely invested in your relationship.

I'm normally someone who doesn't believe in wasting time flogging a dead horse, but something is off about this that stops me going straight to LTB. The crying after a stressful day at work isn't normal full stop, not if it's a regular thing.

It's also not generally a feature of people who don't give a shit about their partner and are just pleasing themselves 24/7, I think someone like that would be more likely to quit work or go part time citing stress and leaving the remaining full time worker to fund all these hobbies!

I usually think relationship counselling is a complete waste of time but in this case it's possibly worth a try. Either to make her realise she's being selfish in the slim possibility she doesn't already know that, to make her realise she needs to see a doctor about her unusual behaviour if she really is clueless as to it's oddness, or to make you realise she's a twat who doesn't like you all that much and you deserve better.

Also I agree with PP your relationship sounds like it could be out of balance in other ways. Do you carry all the mental load and do all the practical chores too?

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't want kids? Sounds like she's trying to fill a void tbh.

Maybe she finds your life unfulfilling. I would be asking her why she feels she has to be busy all the time what is she avoiding?