AIBU the word abuse is thrown about too much on here

[Bintymcbintface]

It seems like almost every other thread on here has someone being accused of being abusive. OP upset by DH oh he's abusive LTB, friend made an underhand comment, they're toxic. AIBU to think that not every instance of hurt feelings or upset is down to someone being abusive and that some people just have off days and say/do something a little mean or be a little bratty or childish. I feel like all this "they're abusive/toxic" stuff being thrown about is taking away from people who actually are being abused.

YABU - you don't understand what abuse is
YANBU - a lot is dramatised and undermines actual abuse

I'd say in 90% of the threads where the word abuse was used I thought it was entirely warranted and pretty clear cut. There is the occasional overreaction and dramatisation, but that's the exception rather than the rule.

Can you give examples of specific behaviours you thought were wrongly describe as abusive?

Many words overused on here that undermine actual problems - controlling, anxiety, OCD, no contact

YABU. 'Abusive' has certainly become a more common word to use as a catch-all descriptor for a wide range of behaviours which constitute bad treatment (usually of a partner or spouse). Personally, I don't necessarily see a problem with that. Nobody needs to tolerate being badly treated.

I agree with virtually every (non-jokey) LTB on this site. If MN has taught me anything, it's that many, many women tolerate awful behaviour from men. Their bar is too low, not too high. The last thing they should be doing is asking 'Oh but surely that's not really proper abuse?'. Behaviour doesn't need to meet some kind of gold standard and be rubber-stamped as abuse in order to be worth ending a relationship.

@crazyjinglist

YABU. 'Abusive' has certainly become a more common word to use as a catch-all descriptor for a wide range of behaviours which constitute bad treatment (usually of a partner or spouse). Personally, I don't necessarily see a problem with that. Nobody needs to tolerate being badly treated.

I agree with virtually every (non-jokey) LTB on this site. If MN has taught me anything, it's that many, many women tolerate awful behaviour from men. Their bar is too low, not too high. The last thing they should be doing is asking 'Oh but surely that's not really proper abuse?'. Behaviour doesn't need to meet some kind of gold standard and be rubber-stamped as abuse in order to be worth ending a relationship.

Absolutely agree with every word of this. I think many women stay – I was one of them – while waiting for something properly, believably “bad” to be done to them as a kind of get-out-of-awful-relationship card. When actually we should be of the mindset that we can just leave, whenever the fuck we want, for whatever reason we want. Wanting to leave is enough.

And if it takes labelling not-technically-legally abusive (but still horrendous) behaviours “abuse” to help a few women see that they’d be better off LTB, and that they’re allowed to LTB, I’m all for it.

YANBU.

i think its more that more work needs to be done to help women reframe what 'abusive' actually is.

My ExH was mean/shouty/aggressive for years, but it took a while for me to realise that his behaviour was abusive, and not just.. something i needed to tolerate as part of marriage.

Abuse is abuse, that it can cover being repeatedly told you're a lazy bitch, and being beaten to near death, doesn't make the lesser abuse, any less 'abuse' under the terms of the words meaning.

On here I think it works both ways. Women in really awful situations don’t see it, think things aren’t that bad, will improve, it was a one off, he might not work or look after the kids, watch porn or game all hours, but the kids always apparently adore him and he’s a good dad and they get very defensive when people call it what it is. And then you get the women who’s husband wants a night out after working all hours and she’s not keen cos anxiety and his refusing to stay in 24/7 is called abuse.

People live complicated lives and it’s often hard making a judgement on a snap shot but that’s the nature of words on a forum.

Abuse is a scale. It’s a wide umbrella term and it ranges from low key abuse to serious. Low key abuse is just abuse.

Gaslighting is massively overused here. I’ve seen it used when a husband told his wife a certain outfit didn’t look very flattering on her (it may have been unkind but it was a million miles from the mental torture that is gaslighting), when a friend gave a poor excuse as a reason to pull out of a pre-arranged event, when a boss spoke to an employee about their poor performance. And many others. It seems many on MN think gaslighting us someone saying something that you don’t agree with, you think is made up, or you think could have been put in a nicer way. It’s not. Not even close.

Toxic is another over-used word here. It seems to mean “we just don’t get along” or “we are two very different personalities”.

@Giraffesandbottoms

Abuse is a scale. It’s a wide umbrella term and it ranges from low key abuse to serious. Low key abuse is just abuse.

I'd agree with this. I've recently separated from my ex-DP and when I accused him of abuse he laughed in my face; because in his mind, abuse is being beaten black and blue. But there's an enormous range of things which constitute abuse, and they're reflected by the varying experiences of people on this forum.

It’s difficult because we only see one or two sentences and apply it to our own experiences.
‘My boyfriend said I looked fat in my new dress’
Is unkind but not abusive. But if that’s on top of other things that belittle and tear down your confidence then it becomes abusive. If someone has had the same thing said on top of a barrage of other abuse then they’ll assume it’s abuse. On the other hand if someone has a generally nice partner who said it once they’d assume it’s not.

I think it’s more that people are finally recognising that many situations are actually abusive rather than a behaviour/situation that needs to be tolerated.

And then you get the women who’s husband wants a night out after working all hours and she’s not keen cos anxiety and his refusing to stay in 24/7 is called abuse.

Oh come on, that just doesn't happen! If a woman posted on here that she had anxiety and therefore wanted her husband to stay at home 24/7, even in the very unlikely event that she called it abusive for him to go out, the replies wouldn't agree. They'd be a mixture of 'YABU and controlling - he needs to be allowed to go out sometimes!' and lots of suppportive responses about how to deal with her anxiety, plus a few bitchy ones telling her to grow up.

Examples off the top of my head. A DH being annoyed at money being spent unnecessarily on things that weren't needed was "financially abusive" umm no maybe just careful with money and not frittering it away, another was deemed abusive because he stormed off upstairs slamming doors in the middle of an argument, surely that's just leaving the unpleasant situation and being a bit of a knob by slamming doors. Grandparents not wanting to babysit are worthy of no contact as if they're obliged to watch dc at the drop of a hat because they're retired. Friendships being toxic because no thank you card was sent for a gift etc. I am not saying for a second that some things AREN'T abusive or toxic but petty things that are a one off example of someone being a bit shitty (which everyone is guilty of sometimes) by shouting during a row or leaving in a hump being declared as such really takes away from people who are properly being abused. The rare angry word or storming off in a huff isn't abuse, it's being a bit of a dick once

Examples off the top of my head. A DH being annoyed at money being spent unnecessarily on things that weren't needed was "financially abusive" umm no maybe just careful with money and not frittering it away, another was deemed abusive because he stormed off upstairs slamming doors in the middle of an argument, surely that's just leaving the unpleasant situation and being a bit of a knob by slamming doors.

The devil is in the detail though. The way in which the husband speaks to the wife is often what makes it abusive. And the specific, individual incident pretty much always turns out to be part of a general pattern.

If I had a husband who regularly stormed out during discussions and slammed doors, I wouldn't give a monkey's whether that 'counted as abuse' or not. I would be rethinking my relationship. I don't think many people would claim that slamming a door once in annoyance was abuse. But I'd say a man who regularly slams doors in anger when arguing with his wife is very likely abusive. I'd also bet that he manages not to slam doors at work, and that he's doing it at home to show dominance and make her fear his anger.

I also think that many of the women who sneer about people saying LTB too readily on MN probably feel that way because they are in relationships with men who behave like that, and are in denial about it.

Not sure if it used too much but people are definitely abusing the word

@junglejane66

Is that supposed to be ironic?

Actually I think YANU.

MN has opened my eyes to what abuse actually looks like, lots of women putting up with living in abusive relationships when they really shouldn't.