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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a bad mother?

24 replies

HappySats · 05/02/2022 13:37

Hi, first time poster here after seeing a piece in the daily mail, I thought you’d be a good place to ask.

I’m a single mother with an 8 year old son. I co-parent with his father when we get on but there’s been times when he’s been violent even when we haven’t been together, this is out in the open between our families and I’ve worked with a local women’s service to build my boundaries and confidence. Ex and his family are still fairly involved in our lives.

After another attack when ex was staying, I asked him to leave. That week after he’d left my son had an angry meltdown, he’s possibly asd and these sometimes happen after school where he masks.
During the angry meltdown my son went to punch me, he’s a very big 8 year old and almost already stronger than me, I instantly reacted and shut my son out of the room I was in, I was sat with my back to the door to keep him out and unsure of what to do but I couldn’t risk him hitting me, my son then with his anger kicked a hole in the door. Eventually he calmed down and neither of us were hurt other than the hole in the door. I informed his teacher, I also called my family member to speak to my son about it all and all was ok, he was banned from his iPad etc and had consequences.

Now, his dad became aware of this and has started saying that I “locked” our son out of the room, I didn’t we don’t have locks, also almost gloating and using it against me that this happened when he wasn’t around and has never happened before. Now ex’s mother is saying that im not such a wonderful mother after all etc and again with the “she locked him out of a room”. Im beginning to doubt myself and wonder if I did the wrong thing and if this is normal or not? The only thing that’s making me feel I did the right thing was that his teacher hasn’t had any concerns about it, even after speaking to my son and him telling her what happened. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

OP posts:
Liz1tummypain · 05/02/2022 14:14

I think you did what any normal person would have done. Don't doubt yourself and your ex can say what he wants really. Don't listen to him. Best wishes.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2022 14:17

Why are you allowing your violent ex to stay, or even come into, your home? You need to protect yourself and your child from this man.

GrazingSheep · 05/02/2022 14:19

Would you be able to access therapy for your little boy? Play therapy maybe?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 05/02/2022 14:19

Imo you can't co parent with such a twat. Seek professional help with your ds. Or your ex will be letting him think it is you in the wrong here...

Notimeforaname · 05/02/2022 14:21

You did the right thing op.

Do not question that.

Theunamedcat · 05/02/2022 14:22

You de-escalated a situation tbh a fair few of us have done the exact same thing including myself

HappySats · 05/02/2022 14:23

Because he and his mother have threatened me if I go to the police, she also has some “evidence folder” which will apparently make sure my son is taken away and I won’t see him. They claim I’m mentally ill, unstable and have a screw lose. I have to have a lot more ready to use back, they have a lot of money and I don’t, I don’t have an entirely supportive family, my father passed away and my mother is on a restraining order for her behaviour towards me, they will use that against me too.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 05/02/2022 14:23

Dont let him back in your home.

Get back in contact with your local womens service. You need more boundaries ie him not coming into your home. And be less involved with his family.

Notimeforaname · 05/02/2022 14:25

Because he and his mother have threatened me if I go to the police, she also has some “evidence folder” which will apparently make sure my son is taken away and I won’t see him. They claim I’m mentally ill, unstable and have a screw lose. I have to have a lot more ready to use back

Have you yourself been in contact with police about this?

MintJulia · 05/02/2022 14:25

You can't co-parent with a violent man. Every time he sees that sort of behaviour, your son thinks that's normal, that it's how adults behave.

I'd move to contact centre only.

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 14:26

Of course you did the right thing.

Do not allow this man back into your home.

Call Womens aid for advice.Flowers

alorslanon · 05/02/2022 14:26

You did absolutely the right thing. You removed yourself from the situation, and as a result, neither of you got hurt, and your son didn’t have the opportunity to hurt you, which he would have deeply regretted later. Your ex and his mother sound like they’re trying to undermine you. Don’t let them Flowers

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 05/02/2022 14:26

OP you need some strong boundaries here and no you are not a bad mum at all so please do not think that,What you need is to distance yourself as far as you can from your ex.Stop communicating unless it is about your child,Your ex should pick up your son and go,not come in and if that fails have contact at a contact centre, Your son must be told in no uncertain terms that he will not ever repeat that behaviour to you you will not stand for it, Your son will learn if your home is filled will love and safety and laughter ,It will be a safe happy place for him to grow up and the behaviour will stop,But keep your ex out of your home out of your life as much as possible and report any abuse directed at you,This will help your son to see that dad is wrong and that you do not be horrible and mean to people you be kind and loving, Keep your distance from your ex and your son will be fine with you, Best wishes sent and stop being so hard on yourself ..you are doing ok and I am sure you have come a long way,Keep going x

Notimeforaname · 05/02/2022 14:27

I'd move to contact centre only
Yes I wanted to say this though not sure how one goes about it.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/02/2022 14:27

I think you need distance from your. Ex. Don't let him stay at yours. That is the consequence for him being violent. That will also show your 8 yr old that people don't put up with violence. The MIL sounds like she will never be on your side either. I think you need space between you and them, they are not being nice to you. Put yourself and your child first. Flowers

Deadringer · 05/02/2022 14:27

You did the right thing, you kept yourself safe without harming your son. Your ex and his mother are arseholes.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/02/2022 14:28

Iputthetrampintrampoline good post! You put it mich better than me.

Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 14:32

Ignore them. You're in too much contact with them.

Don't allow your ex on the premises.

Involve the police. SS are great at recognising malicious reports.

Move contact to a contact centre.

purpleboy · 05/02/2022 14:33

Your son is watching the way his dad treats you and thinks this is normal acceptable behavior.
You have to stop this now before you son grows into his father and abuses his own partner.
Do not let you ex into your home, pick up and drop off is done on the doorstep only.
Do not speak to his family, they are no longer any of your concern. Ignore them if they contact you.
Only speak to ex if it is regarding your son, do not give them any info about your life, it's less ammunition for them.
Do not be intimidated by threats, the purpose of them is to keep you in your place which they are doing well.

Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 14:33

Access help for your son. He's got a lot to deal with too. Easier said than done. Flowers

collieresponder88 · 05/02/2022 14:36

Get your child away from him. Move if you have to. Do anything to stop him becoming his father because he will if you don't act now

3Daddy31982 · 05/02/2022 15:22

You start a diary today. You log the comments he made / his old bag of a mum. This was my excellent solicitors advice. You date and time and use quotation marks of what they said.

I'd advise a tidy home. A brill attendance record all inoculations etc

3Daddy31982 · 05/02/2022 15:24

Collie...you obviously have zero experience of uk courts. U can't keep your child away from the other parent. You'd risk losing custody

3Daddy31982 · 05/02/2022 15:25

Op could you arrange a friend to take your child to his other parent

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