AIBU to not visit all the time

[Shiresunshine]

I have recently had my first child, not an easy start for LO and I’ve had some health issues since as well. In-laws know what’s been going on.

DH and I visited his grandparents during the week, I arrived an hour or so before he did (he was working) and great granny made a few comments about not seeing LO enough. MIL has made similar comments and that she should see LO every Thursday since she’s off.

MIL lives next door to her parents, has done for decades, and they have always seen each other pretty much every day which I think has caused an expectation that I would visit them a few times a week.

YABU - of course you should visit a few times a week.
YANBU - once a week or less is fine.

YANBU Do what suits you.

Remember they had their dc. This is your shot op. Yanbu to be responsible for your dc and your own immediate family. You are not obligated to pacify others..

& MiL cannot travel to visit you because ..?

Perhaps they could visit you?

Why don't you take her every Thursday and leave her so you get some 'you time'.

I don't visit DHs family without him. Except SIL, married to DHs brother I spend time alone with her while we both escape their family. He doesn't visit my family without me so why should I visit his?

I wouldn't make a weekly commitment to anybody though.

Once a week is fine, and in-laws don’t get to dictate when you visit. Also, they can visit you.

As you've been unwell and have a new baby to wrangle, maybe they could come over to you sometimes and cuddle the baby while you have a shower/wash your hair/ whatever you need to do? Making their own tea and yours while they're about it?
I think a lot of new mothers would like the company, but if it doesn't work for you, that's your choice. If they are near, popping over for a coffee a couple of times a week would be doable, but really it depends whether you actually want to spend time with them. And also on their circumstances - a housebound greatgranny who can't go out would doubtless have their day brightened by seeing your baby, and it would be a kindness to her to bring the baby round, especially if she is within walking distance. If she lives 2 hours away, then that's a much bigger ask.
DH could take the baby over to visit by himself sometimes, it doesn't always have to be you ( unless it is a breastfed baby and they live some distance away).

@ChargingBuck

& MiL cannot travel to visit you because ..?

Exactly this. Don't let them bully you, op. Only visit when you want to.

I am a MIL and I wouldn't expect any routine visits at all. I have my life and my son and Dil have theirs. They visit us when it's suitable for all of us.

They have just moved into their first flat together with dgc and I wouldn't just drop in ever. If I needed to see them I'd call first to make sure it was convenient.

As pp have said this is your child so yes it's nice to have grandparents involved but I'd wouldn't like to be held to a schedule so neither should you.

Why can’t their son take the baby to visit at the weekends?

Tell her that when the baby is older and YOU are comfortable, you'll drop them off every Thursday for grandma time. Win win!

Once a week/3 times a month even is fine. I would not visit ANYONE 2 or 3 times a week. Batshit. I am far too busy to do that, and so are most people I know.

Well its up to both you and your partner isn't it....no rights or wrongs....I see my GDs 5 times a week....that works for us ....but wouldn't for others

Too little info to decide op. Do you get on with them? Are they helpful/positive/ supportive? Will you be returning to work, who will look after the baby then, will you want help from in-laws?
How far away do they live, 5 minute walk or 50 minutes drive?

You do what suits you. And don’t feel compelled to leave the bang with her on Thursday unless you actively want to. If you do, great, do it. If you don’t, don’t. I didn’t like leaving my daughter and so I didn’t and don’t.

Baby not bang!!

You do EXACTLY what suits YOU.

They would see less of me if I heard any complaints.

Mind yourself and put yourself first.

Thanks for all the replies.

They stay in the same village as us.

I don’t particularly like my MIL but we get on fine, grandparents are lovely.

Won’t be relying on any of them for childcare, GP are too old, and wouldn’t leave DC with MIL at all. So no “me time” on a Thursday!

None of them have ever visited, even when I couldn’t drive & DH was back at work.

In theory DH could go round with the baby but DC is EBF. Also since DH works all week we’re enjoying spending time as a family - we generally go visit people together.

My plan is to visit every week or so, but I don’t want to be tied to a schedule of visiting certain people on set days - I’d never be able to fit everyone in on top of baby clubs/ housework/ general life!

Wise move.

Start as you mean to go, on your terms.

When you have finished ebf, perhaps your husband can do a visit and you can have some me time.

Suit yourself, particularly if they are not particularly pleasant.

When I had my first baby I stressed so much about trying to “keep things fair” and see PiL as much as my parents and make sure they weren’t moaning blah blah blah (despite them never offering any help, or support in any way - or even asking how I was!!). When I had my second I put my foot down and just cracked on how I wanted and didn’t concern myself with their expectations. And I’ve been so much happier for it! Definitely don’t commit to a weekly day, things change so much during that first year and if you start it then it will be hard to stop!