Should I start sleep training my 11 month old tonight? So tired.

[Moonshine2022]

Hoping someone can help me with my babies sleep I'm really struggling I've reached the point where I think we're going to have to sleep train and just don't know how to do it. My DS is 11 months old just feel like I've failed him (and me!) getting to this point and he still can't settle himself back to sleep overnight. Just feel mentally broken and exhausted but so guilty to consider sleep training him too.

Sorry this is so long but thought maybe helpful to provide context of how we reached this point: My DS spent time in NICU due to breathing issues post emergency c section this was during lockdown last year so I was alone as could only have 1 parent at a time, once we got home I was so so anxious my mental health not in a good place and just wanted to hold him all the time to monitor his breathing (irrational I know). DS had lost 12% birth weight so for the first few weeks my DH and I operated a shift system for 2-3 hourly feeds (bf+ebm+formula)and my DS was pretty much cuddled/held 24/7. He then started to experience really bad reflux and lying on his back was awful he was writhing and screaming, we tried usual methods (tilting cot, infant gaviscon) but he essentially hated lying down so then all his daytime naps were either on me or in the sling and again DH had a shift system at night so we could survive. Also started cosleeping on occasions too.

Things eventually settled down but by then we had got used to contact napping / sling naps in the day and I just sort of carried on as it was easy and we were happy, till this day my DS had never napped in his cot during the day. He currently naps in the car in the morning if off out and about or on me on sofa (40-60 mins) and then then on me again in the afternoon on sofa (60-90 mins) at weekends my DH sometimes has him in sling for morning nap. Until very recently DS was BF to sleep but an awful cold stopped this and now we've moved onto sat up rocking to sleep singing twinkle twinkle (with white noise on - all his day/night sleep is with white noise).

At bedtime he used to be BF to sleep and transfer to cot but now my DH rocks with white noise. I no longer BF to sleep overnight so night wakes are again rocking to sleep then transfer to cot (my back is in bits!) For his night sleep once we were through the initial awful newborn refluxy stage it has been so variable he had horrendous regressions around 5 months and 9 months. Recently he can go through awful periods of waking every 1-2 hours needing rocking back to sleep but then also surprises us by having a few good nights of almost sleeping through (till 5am anyway!) At the moment we reach a point around 3-5am where he can't be transferred back to cot then I give in an cosleep till morning. I used to quite enjoy cosleeping part of the night but now he's so much more mobile and wriggly it's just not as comfy anymore and I essentially am awake while he latches on and off and wriggles around! Long term cosleeping not an option we tried to side car a cot but the bed frame caused a gape between mattresses so wasn't safe. DH helps as much as he can e.g. will be on duty till 1am so I can go in spare room then we swap, but I miss spending time with DH and sharing a bed, because of cosleeping he is still in spare room most of night.

Last night I went straight to bed with DS (currently bedtime around 8am) he woke after 90 mins then we were up till 2am rocking and trying to transfer DH couldn't get him down either so then gave up and coslept till morning (wakes around 7-7:30am in mornings). I felt so angry and stressed and resentful last night I hate feeling like that. DH taken him this morning so I can go back to bed. DS had pain relief last night in case of teething, offered some water. He has a fantastic appetite eats really well during the day 3 meals and did so yesterday his usual favourite foods. He's still mixed fed milk wise has x3 a day BF + 200ml formula bottles at same time. I'm pretty on it with his wake windows and although he doesn't go down in cot he had a fairly predictable nap routine currently wake windows are: 3 hours, morning nap, 3-3.5 hours, afternoon nap, 4 hours, bedtime. Have a good bedtime routine usual tea play bath story milk nappy etc.... he's still in a cot in our room he has another cot in his room that he's never slept in.

I'm just too tired to read everything about sleep training today but from what I've read so far thinking either pick up put down (pupd) or controlled crying (cc) might be way forward for us. Not willing to try CIO, I think gradual withdrawal would confuse DS and I can't physically reach in cot to shush/pat (I'm very short with a bad back hence why cot transfers are tricky!) I am really just hoping to hear from other parents who've tried pupd or cc and if it worked for them long term? And also how to actually do it?! Sorry I feel so dense at the moment I'm so tired.

1. Do we start at bedtime or nap time? Naps aren't really an issue for us I guess but is it confusing to be sleep training at night but then still rocking/cuddling for daytime sleep? Should I sort nighttime first then the daytime?
2. The first night should we put DS down asleep as usual then start from first wake or put him down awake and start from then? I know I'm going to find the crying so hard.
3. Once he falls asleep do I then carry on with that method for all night wakes? Even once he's more restless from early morning? Do I stop cosleeping straight away from 3/5am?
4. Can I sleep train while he's still in with us in cot in our room? Residual PNA around breathing/nicu days I guess I just like him to be close by.
5. I think I understand cc, comfort in cot, leave and come back at increasing intervals. With pupd (probably my preference) do I pick up cuddle and back in once he's calm? Do I then leave room or stay in room? Do I wait a length of time before picking him up again?

I guess my AIBU is... yes YABU to sleep train at 11 months you'll undo all the gentle attachment focused parenting you've done till now or ....YANBU your DS is old enough to try you need some sleep.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far. Long time MN lurker but first post.

I haven’t sleep trained. My worry would be that after every bout of illness, sleep regression and developmental leap you would have to do it again.

I am/was a cosleeper. During bad patches of sleep I go to bed with them for a week and make sure I do this once a week to stay on top of sleep.

I sleep trained. It did us both the world of good and we definitely didn't have to repeat it when ds got ill etc. If you are going to do it, the key thing is yo pick a plan and stick to it.

@Fallagain yes this is exactly my concern too, it 'working' temporarily but then having to repeat it in the future. Unfortunately long term cosleeping just isn't working for us anymore so just trying to find a solution

@user1477249785 so glad it worked for you and you've not had to repeat it which! Which method did you use?

I sleep trained, but it was at 14 months. I was back at work by then and co-sleeping just meant he used me as a dummy and I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted.

Nothing other than outright neglect and/or abuse is going to undo the love you've already given him. Don't overthink it.

PS the son I sleep trained is ten now, last time a similar thread came up about this I asked him about it and he was so confused - of course he didn't remember anything at all. While it might be awful for a few nights, I promise you, you'll feel so much better when you are able to get a full night's sleep. Parents are allowed to look after their own health and wellbeing.

Also I don't remember any sleep regressions past about 7 months when weaning was fully established.

I fully understand if cosleeping isn’t going to work but if you want some advice of how to do it differently I can help eg it can be in their room and you don’t have to be there all the time.

I'm planning on using Controlled crying very soon, from what I've read it has a good success rate. Be aware that on here you will get a high proportion of people totally against any sleep training but don't let them make you feel guilty... they aren't in your shoes. As others have said it won't have any negative impact on your baby.

I found the Just Chill Mama 6-9m course helpful. It combines videos and text summaries and you can take at your own pace. It basically covers good sleep hygiene and gives you instructions for how to carry it out. £49 for the course. It doesn't really cover anything you can't find on the internet but it filters out all the rubbish and really focuses on what to do.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy yes that's the situation we are in too! When we cosleep he latches on and off and wakes me up constantly, we used to sleep peacefully cosleeping but not anymore. Need to get it sorted before I'm back at work soon. What method did you use at 14 months? So glad it worked for you!

@Fallagain yes please any advice welcome and much needed! Sleep training most definitely feels like an absolute last resort so if there are gentler things I can do to help I will try! I don't expect or need him to "sleep through" just a couple of 3 hour blocks would be enough for me right now

@LydiaFTM good luck with the cc! I hope it works and you get some sleep soon, part of me so tempted to just try cc after bad nights like last night. Thank you for that tip! I'll look up the just chill mama course

If anyone else has any articles/threads I could read that would be helpful, maybe I should just hire a sleep consultant for support and step by step of what to do

Hi OP, I’ve just come across your thread and would love to hear how you got on and what worked for you? Im in a similar position now and about to start back at work and dreading the broken sleep whilst having to focus on work during the day so need a solution asap! thanks in advance :)

@Moonshine2022