Why am I like this

[Itsnotokay123]

What the hell is wrong with me????

So husband was out with the boy and the girls came to our last night for a few drinks, we met the boys in the pub. Everyone went on to a bar when the pub closed but we ended up coming home. My mam had our little boy over night and it’s the first opportunity I had to see everyone and be out for a good while. I ended up starting a argument with my husband. I ended up cutting my leg was a razor. I haven’t done that for years. It’s almost like when I have a drink all my bottled up emotions come out and I turn into a complete and utter mess and a different person. I was drunk but not smashed if that makes sense. I hasn’t had a great deal to drink.
I was completely unreasonable last night and I owe my husband a huge appology I know that.
Aibu to think I’m a mess and need some sort of outlet for my emotions

AIBU is not the right topic for this post OP. It's a bear pit. Hope you feel better soon.

How do I change the topic?

@Itsnotokay123

What the hell is wrong with me????

So husband was out with the boy and the girls came to our last night for a few drinks, we met the boys in the pub. Everyone went on to a bar when the pub closed but we ended up coming home. My mam had our little boy over night and it’s the first opportunity I had to see everyone and be out for a good while. I ended up starting a argument with my husband. I ended up cutting my leg was a razor. I haven’t done that for years. It’s almost like when I have a drink all my bottled up emotions come out and I turn into a complete and utter mess and a different person. I was drunk but not smashed if that makes sense. I hasn’t had a great deal to drink.
I was completely unreasonable last night and I owe my husband a huge appology I know that.
Aibu to think I’m a mess and need some sort of outlet for my emotions

Are you hungover op? Apologise to your husband and move on it does happen! especially if you haven't been out for a while or don't drink much.

I think you should stop drinking completely if that's what happens. Even if you wasn't "smashed" there's clearly some big issues and for your own safety you need to go tee total.

I'm sorry you had a crappy night and hope your leg is okay.
Yeah, you owe your husband an apology, but there are deeper issues here.
I don't know whether it's an 'intolerance' per se, but alcohol always used to turn me irritable/aggressive/argumentative. Every time. Without fail.
(I eventually developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and became an alcoholic, but that's another story).

Stop drinking, that would be the first thing.

Ah mate.. sounds like you need a cuddle, brew and a couple of paracetamol! Explain all this to your hubby and maybe know when to swap beer for a glass of water on a night out. Self harm is definitely something you can get help for with talking therapy or EMDR x

I agree with others. It's time to stop drinking before you ruin your life. There are so many non alcoholic gins and the like that are really trendy now and you can have instead.

You also need to find a healthy way to deal with all these buried feelings. You need to get counselling and learn how to communicate with your husband (unless these buried feelings are related to him abusing you, in which case you need to leave him).

You’ve seen the problem and you need to drink less on these occasions.
Apologise, make a change from what you’ve learned, and move on.
Don’t dwell, it will do you no good.

This isn’t just a case of stopping drinking (you should do this), you’re self-harming and need to get to the root of why that is.

Make an appointment with your GP and tell them about the self-harming and that you need help.

What made you self-harm previously?

Stop drinking.

That will mean you keep control and don’t cut

* I haven’t done that for years. It’s almost like when I have a drink all my bottled up emotions come out and I turn into a complete and utter mess and a different person*

Your answer lies in this statement
Stop. Drinking

And arrange therapy

You need to stop drinking but also work out what bottled up emotions come out when you have had a drink and try to resolve them.

I hope you're ok

Don't drink, seek counselling. Surely your husband realises there's some very real issues. I'm not sure you need to go all out on apologising. Hopefully he will support you to discuss these incidents with a GP.

It’s almost like when I have a drink all my bottled up emotions come out

How is your life day to day, when you haven't been drinking? How do you feel generally?

I think the drinking is a bit of a red herring.

How do you communicate with your husband generally? How good are you at acknowledging your own uncomfortable or negative feelings on a day to day basis?

I used to be terrible. I used to push everything down, put on a smile, let it slide, get on with it. Eventually things build up and often alcohol unleashes it all. Inhibitions are lowered, you allow yourself to feel and speak out - in the worst possible way. Issues that are fairly small become huge and exaggerated in the shit storm.

Do you think you'd be able to speak to a counsellor?

Thank you everyone!

A huge apology and explanation is my first priority this morning when he is awake. He doesn’t deserve my bad behaviour at all.

We have a great relationship but I’ve struggled myself over the past few years (lots of trauma etc) so I think I’m still trying to find myself. I find it difficult to communicate at the moment.

OP if you tap on the three dots at the bottom of your post you can report it to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved maybe to relationships or mental health. The way you behaved isn't ok, but that aside you need to seek support for your mental health. You need and deserve help with this.

Why do you drink alcohol if there's even the slightest chance of this happening? You're not obliged to drink it.

I’ve apologised and we’re okay, I’ve explained that my behaviour is totally unacceptable and not okay. I’ve put myself on a drinking ban for the time being

I used to argue with my ex when i drank. He was so overbearing it was the only time i felt relaxed enough to argue back with him.

It sounds like you are bottling up your emotions, and when you drink your inhibitions are lowered and you're less able to control them. Please seek some help to deal with your trauma, either from a counsellor or from psychological therapy. Depending on where you live, you may be able to self-refer without going through your GP. These issues aren't going to disappear without some support so please try and find some so you can have a more positive future.
I hope things get easier