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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Relationship with sisters

25 replies

thisisamericaa · 04/02/2022 22:38

I’ll try and keep this short!

So I’ve always had a strange relationship with my older twin sisters. I know they love me and I love them as sisters, and I know if anything happened to me they’d be the first ones there. But I grew up sort of as the annoying younger sister and they were very clicky (which I guess is understandable - and thought would get better with age!). I always felt quite judged by them and as a result I’m fairly quiet at family events, they also made me feel sometimes that I couldn’t like the same stuff as them as I was copying them. So I find i keep my personality quite hidden, never play music around them etc. They have group chats with my cousins without me.

In the last few years I’ve suffered with bouts of depression and social anxiety. I admit sometimes I’ve been a downer (when I’ve gone through break ups, bad spell etc) but sometimes there’s been drunken arguments where they’ll both be very drunk and tell me I’m depressing, my life is a car crash etc. I don’t feel like they’re very supportive in what I do but admit some may have been my fault eg I thought of packing up and impulsively moving to another place last year but they told me they think I’d be stupid as I’m not capable (they say they were saying this out of love and were being honest with me).
We have also fallen out in the past due to horrible comments such as I am boring, ugly etc and they are always calling me over sensitive.

Fast forward to 6 months ago and I get into a new relationship. My DP is the kindest, most loving person and I’ve never been happier. I lived at home with parents and one sister (age 27) at this point. At that time I was seeing him 2/3 times a week and eventually brought him over each Tuesday night which as far as I knew was fine.

They were really welcoming and they said they really like DP. But sister (27, lives at home) created problems for me in my head (to do with me, not him) such as “you’re being too clingy” “you see him too much” “he said he was tired once and you still brought him round” (I said he didn’t have to but he really wanted to come).
She said my one picture I put of us online was “too cringey” (not a cringey caption or anything!).
She said that I’m “toxic” and “let’s see how long this lasts” (bearing in mind my last relationship was 5 years and ended very amicably).
She said that I “act different around him” when actually I feel I’m not myself around my sisters on their own usually so my personality actually comes out.

In the end I’d had enough of the persistent judging. I moved in with a friend. Since then I’ve not heard a peep from them, apart from one seemingly sarcastic reply to a post I uploaded, trying to make me sound stupid.
When I have visited my parents, sister doesn’t say hello or ask how I am, she just makes some sort of comment and then leaves the room when I talk to my parents about my life.
Me and DP have also noticed that back in September they “liked” his photo of us two together - and have recently unliked it. The fact that they’ve gone to all that trouble makes me think “wow, am I really that bad?” And maybe it is me.

I’ve had to try and really narrow this down but I hope this makes sense. It’s been the same story forever but I’m just tired now. Am I the troubled one? I’m really hurt.

OP posts:
cherrybonbons · 04/02/2022 22:40

Your sisters are toxic

RubyJam · 04/02/2022 22:43

Just live your life
agree they are a toxic influence
If your own family especially your own sisters,can’t show positivity and happiness for you then just forget them

thisisamericaa · 04/02/2022 22:51

Thank you!!
It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind and the recently “unliking” of DP’s picture of us (and they still like one of him and his friends, so the problem is me) actually really got to me. I don’t even hear from them anymore so what did I do so wrong?

OP posts:
thisisamericaa · 04/02/2022 22:52

My friends seem to think it’s jealousy as I have moved out and am being independent. One is still at home (28) but one has a very happy relationship and mortgage so I’m not sure this is true.

OP posts:
RubyJam · 04/02/2022 22:53

Try not to get hung upon liking and unliking on social media , it’s not real

NoToLandfill · 04/02/2022 22:54

They sound awful! You are better off without them.

jellymaker · 04/02/2022 22:54

Jealousy

eldora · 04/02/2022 22:55

I’m so sorry, OP, they do sound very unkind.

My sister is a couple of years older and one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is that we will never have a good relationship. Her dislike / resentment of me stems from childhood, and me being the youngest. There is nothing I could do to make her change her mindset.

I gave up a few years ago and I’m at peace with it, we are NC now.

Whatinthelord · 04/02/2022 22:57

Your sisters sounds like right dicks.
Maybe consider taking them off your social media so they can’t comment. If it’s always been like this then . I would considering keeping very low contact with them and not engaging in conversations with them at and focus your energy elsewhere. Sadly people like this don’t change usually.

DowntonCrabby · 04/02/2022 22:59

I’d say you have a really good grasp of the fact it’s not you, it’s them.

Grey rock them, completely and live your life. Their opinions really do not matter. Flowers

PinchOfVom · 04/02/2022 23:03

They sound horrible to be honest.

Your post has also made me reflect on my youngest sister’s raw resentment of me - she goes on and on about how us older ones left her out. It was never deliberate. But I can see that we did all the time. But she was 6 years younger! And I can completely see that she is really needy and insecure (and vitriolic. And narcissistic) - but I can truly see where it comes from now that I’m in my 40s. Your sisters probably don’t even realise they’re overbearing and critical but they really do sound so unpleasant. Are they Jealous?

You’re a fully formed adult and you will find it easier to keep them at an arms length in a completely cordial fashion as you develop your own life.

Don’t let them encroach on your decisions or your relationships. Keep your boundaries. Smile and nod. You just need to function as colleagues - you don’t need to be best friends. Parents can often expect too much of us as we get older and this adds to the pressure.

People often romanticise the idea of a group of sisters but really, it can be like living in a bear pit.

britneyisfree · 04/02/2022 23:25

Block them on social media for a start!

You've done the right thing moving out. At some point you'll be tempted to go back. Make sure you never do!!

Dillydollydingdong · 04/02/2022 23:32

They're bullies and you're the victim. I'd stay away from them. Enjoy your life with your dp. They're jealous.

thisisamericaa · 05/02/2022 11:12

Thanks all Flowers

OP posts:
Mary46 · 05/02/2022 11:46

Ignore. They wont change. I dont see much of mine either. If I dont text a meetup coffee nothing. Women can be nasty. Ignore them op.

Wat2do222 · 05/02/2022 11:51

Having been through a bit of therapy, you learn that sometimes we change our personalities to suit those around us (making yourself 'smaller' when in their presence) They can't take it when you show your 'real' self and try to make you feel like your acting 'different' or 'fake'. Your not, you've just realised how much their presence has impacted your development. You carry on, live your life - they will continue their nonsense and you can choose whether to engage or not

thisisamericaa · 05/02/2022 13:00

That’s such a good point. It baffled me when she said I seem fake and different and “embarrassing” when I’m around DP, and for the first time it dawned on me that actually, I’m really not myself when I’m just around them! They always use the term “too sensitive”.

My parents don’t see anything wrong with it and they’re “just being sisters”. Also frustrates me that sister aged 27 is still at home, not saving and is generally very spoilt and it’s me that’s the incapable, immature one.

OP posts:
Wat2do222 · 06/02/2022 09:20

The thing is, it can be disconcerting when they know you as one version and see different behavior but that is their issue to deal with. If you truly feel happy and settled with your boyfriend then I would concentrate on that and not engage with the attempts to put you back in your box, so to speak

Lindaloo08 · 06/02/2022 09:28

Don't listen to them. You had a 5 year relationship that ended well, you have a new DP, you live with a friend, all of these are hard to maintain if you're a terrible person.

Don't give them head space, stay civil, don't put updates or photos on your FB page so they can't taint a happy picture or memory. Your parents see it as sisterly banter, do they know the damage your sisters are doing to your thinking?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/02/2022 09:42

They aresnt nice people OP, just from the little snapshot you've given - they put you down, you're not allowed to like anything the same as them, they call you incapable, a car crash, depressing, cringey, boring, ugly. When you get upset you're called over sensitive.

They bully you. Together. And your parents have allowed it by dismissing it as 'just being sisters'. Your whole family dynamic is toxic

Singlebutmarried · 06/02/2022 09:48

Your sister (the at home one) no longer has you within easy reach for all her nastiness.

When I read the first part of the post I though ‘well twins are usually quite close’ but this I just plain old fashioned bullying.

Live your life, enjoy being yourself. It’s the best thing you could do.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 06/02/2022 09:58

Honestly, it sounds like jealousy, and not very well disguised jealousy at that. It’s a shame they choose to make you feel lousy because of their own perceived shortcomings.

JuneOsborne · 06/02/2022 10:06

They dont sound nice, or supportive, or loving.

They sound cold, horrible, toxic and judgemental.

How awful to hide parts of your personality from them because they'll judge your taste in music horribly. They just haven't grown up, have they.

I'd start changing how you respond to them. Oh, Alice, this nasty shit again? You'll have to find someone else to bully, because I ain't interested.

Did you know you sound bitter Heather?

There's no need for that Heather. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all for a change.

And so on.

Oh Alice, another family meal, another character assassination, huh? Not interested.

What was that Heather? I'm too sensitive? That's because you constantly try and put me down. Actually, you're too negative and nasty. How about them apples!

Devilmakes3 · 06/02/2022 10:13

I’m so sorry OP that sounds really nasty and really awful for you to have to endure. I’m sorry your needs haven’t been met in this family situation it sounds very toxic. Why did your parents never deal with your sisters’ behaviour? I have been there OP and the level of toxicity in my family was appalling and it was my 2 brothers who did it and continued to do. My parents just ignored the problem and they were not emotionally available to us kids for whatever reasons. I heard a psychologist describe the origins of sibling rivalry really well. Imagine if your DP brought home a new women to your home and said. This is YYY she is my new DP but don’t worry I’m going to love you both equally you have nothing to worry about. Imagine how that feels for many children. It is up to the parents to take the time and energy to reassure the children and meet their needs so that the rivalries dissipate and don’t grow. Clearly sometimes that doesn’t happen.

It is a horrible experience. It affects your self esteem. It holds you back in life in more ways than you can imagine. Personally I have gone NC with my family but the scale of the abuse was absolutely at a level that warranted that in my family. In your case you being aware that your sisters do not have your best interests at heart and damage you and your parents don’t stop it should require at least very firm boundaries from you.

Pancakeorcrepe · 06/02/2022 10:40

They sound deeply damaged by their own experiences, perhaps a feeling of inadequacy? They are being really awful to you, please don’t waste a minute more of your time and live your life! You sound great! Focus on your partner, friendships and all the rest you have going for you.

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