Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I'm not strong enough

23 replies

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:37

Dd has recently been diagnosed with autism at 15. She has self harmed in the past and struggled with school. Her anxiety can look like bad behaviour to the uninitiated. Confrontational behaviour will cause her to meltdown.

I've asked school to implement some positive strategies such as letting her calm down when she gets agitated, or giving her a calm place to go. I've spoken to the SENDCO and they say all the right things. She often school avoids because school is so distressing for her.

Today she was excluded.

She was told she couldn't sit in her usual seat in the alternative learning area because another student was in there. This caused her to meltdown and run away to the toilets distressed. When she emerged, she was spoken to by the deputy head who told her to go to lesson. Dd usually works in the alternative learning area if she can't face lessons. Another teacher suggested they go for a walk instead but the DH insisted she speak to him.

He was speaking too quickly for Dd to process (she has cognitive processing issues as well as autism) and she needed to calm down. She asked him to stop talking and he followed her to the toilet block and knocked on the door when she ran inside. She shouted 'Shut up!' In distress and has been excluded.

I'm exhausted. I'm a teacher and my job is full on anyway. I have so many appointments for Dd and I know I've got another fight ahead.Sad

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/02/2022 21:42

You already have another thread on this

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:43

I'm aware. Thanks though.

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:44

I was just hoping for fresh responses because I was struggling tonight. If you don't like the multiple threads, just don't post.

OP posts:
MuchTooTired · 04/02/2022 21:45

You are strong enough, because your DD needs to be. You can, and you will get through this.

The DH sounds like a right dick.

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:48

Thanks @MuchTooTired. I feel really anxious and can't switch off tonight for some reason.

OP posts:
GoingToInfinity · 04/02/2022 21:55

This sounds so overwhelming and exhausting for you and DD. As a teacher myself, I can't comprehend why you would push, and push and push an autistic child for a response when either teetering on the edge of a meltdown or in a full blown meltdown. If the school were aware of her needs, they should have known to back off to cool down and try to re engage her when she was ready.

All these seemingly small things such as another child sitting in her space or hugely overwhelming for an ASD child. It sounds like the school have hugely failed her today.

I also wouldn't be impressed that they'd followed her to the toilets assuming she wasn't acting in a way that was dangerous to herself or school property. From what you've said it's clear that she was very clear with her verbal & non-verbal communication that she needed to be left alone.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you both and I hope that school are able to make amends. If this is a frequent occurrence though I'd be wondering whether her current school is the best fit for her.

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:56

She's year 11 unfortunately so a change of school isn't feasible. We are hobbling to the end.

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:57

She's never violent. She can be verbally rude but she wouldn't be a danger to anyone else. It's so frustrating. I've told them what she needs.

OP posts:
GoingToInfinity · 04/02/2022 21:58

Does she have an EHCP in place? If so, are school following it properly?

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 21:59

She's only been diagnosed recently - she masked exceptionally well until year 10- so the EHCP process is underway but she doesn't have one yet. Her difficulties are really quite complex and yet she was a wallpaper child until year 10.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 04/02/2022 22:01

it's disability discrimination to exclude her for behaviour related to her diagnosis - contact your local parent partnership and missing education team - challenge this - they can't just exclude her

They can't leave a year 11 student with no education - you are strong but you need support

GoingToInfinity · 04/02/2022 22:02

Presumably she will have to have a re integration meeting with you & school when she goes back? Don't see this as a negative, but as a platform to discuss her needs again and reiterate anything you've already told school. I'd also suggest asking whether the SENDCO can be part of this meeting too.

Anoisagusaris · 04/02/2022 22:02

Not being goady, genuine question - what should have happened initially when she wanted the seat that the other pupil was sitting in? What’s the best way to deal with that?

ghostyslovesheets · 04/02/2022 22:03

www.ace-ed.org.uk/advice-about-education-for-parents/exclusion-from-school/permanent-exclusion?701c8f5e-37b4-48dc-9a08-f86e17b70645

Ace Education have a lot of information and support links

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 22:04

Let her calm down. Obviously she can't have control of everything. Explain to her calmly- I'm sorry Dd, that seat isn't available today.' Make sure there's a safe space she can go to. Don't get in her face and insist on talking when she's distressed. Then she'll calm down and listen.

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 04/02/2022 22:19

Excluded for saying ‘shut up’? That seems absurd & i’d call myself a bit of a prude! Go to the governors and let them know the situation. Her behaviour is due to autism and masking it /holding it together for years must have been exhausting. You can do it. You’re in the right.

Moonface123 · 04/02/2022 22:26

There are many thousands of parents all fighting the same battle on Not Fine At School. All at absolute breaking point.
Its an utter disgrace.

WhoisRebecca · 04/02/2022 22:30

She may well not be telling me the full story. It may be that she shouted or swore at him - I don't know. I'll find out at the meeting. But I do know, she reacts like that when she's cornered.

I have joined not fine in school and I agree, it's a disgrace. I am a MUCH better teacher to anxious and autistic children as a result of my own experiences.

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 05/02/2022 11:46

I feel nervous about the meeting- I just hope I can get my points across.

OP posts:
GoingToInfinity · 05/02/2022 12:28

When is the meeting?

Jovanka · 05/02/2022 12:34

Have you been in touch with your local SENDIASS team, OP? They may be able to offer you support with the exclusion. It sounds as though that deputy head would benefit from some training.

WhoisRebecca · 05/02/2022 13:14

It's on Tuesday. I haven't contacted SENDIASS but I will. It's only a one day exclusion but I don't want this happening again and it will, if they don't change their approach. What upsets me is that Dd said another teacher was trying to suggest she went on a walk with Dd and the deputy head pulled rank and overruled her.

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 05/02/2022 13:34

IPSEA have a model complaint letter which I think I might use. I will write to the governors.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread