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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of people probing your plans to have a baby

23 replies

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 04/02/2022 16:43

While out at an event, about 5 people asked me if either I'm pregnant or if I am planning kids. I'm infertile.

I'm pissed off that my life has become this constant 'are you going to become a parent' bullshit.

Surely people aren't fucking stupid enough to not understand we cannot control science?

I just want it to go away. I didn't think my 30s would cause so many complications.

If you're someone that has never had infertility, please don't ask people to repeatedly if they are having or want kids. Also please don't assume because they refuse an alcohol drink they're pregnant and ask them (not everyone wants or needs alcohol in social settings).

Anyway, I don't know who else to talk to about the above so I'm posting here.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:46

it's a stupid question lots of people ask thinking it's small talk and never stop to think for even a second.

You should not be put in the position of having to say actually, I'm infertile and being asked this question all the time really upsets me

People really don't think do they?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2022 17:03

I'm so sorry, op. Some people are so bloody stupid and insensitive. I would never ask anyone about whether or not they are going to have children. I wouldn't dream of it.

Pyri · 04/02/2022 17:04

It is so bloody awful and insensitive. I took to responding with “not sure…. So when do you think you might get divorced?”

CounsellorTroi · 04/02/2022 17:08

You’re right OP it is awful. What on Earth is wrong with people who sk this.

Ilikeviognier · 04/02/2022 17:12

I had this when I was going through a miscarriage and also during ivf.

People have no idea what’s going on in people’s lives and the presumption that you can - or should - just be popping out little people when you reach a certain age is astonishing.

Spottybluepyjamas · 04/02/2022 17:16

I kind of agree with you, and I understand that it's really hard to be asked (having had several miscarriages myself). However part of me also thinks that people don't know what is going on in your life and by that logic should they not ask if you have a dog (not knowing that your dog has just died), or how your parents are (not knowing that they're are getting divorced) etc etc?

I never really minded people asking me, even directly after my miscarriages, because it's just a conversation and people generally don't mean any harm. Any topic at all could cause upset depending on what is going on for that person at the time. I hope you're ok

phoenixrosehere · 04/02/2022 17:22

YANBU

I’ve rarely if ever considered that a topic of conversation to bring up to people whether I know them or not. There are many topics out there that people can chat about. I would internally question their social skills if that is the only topic or question they can come up with to ask especially at an event.

AllOfUsAreDead · 04/02/2022 17:25

I think people like this are just boring. Like that's your main question to someone, you pregnant yet? How very dull.. So many things to talk about and that's the most important one.

I haven't ever asked anyone if they are pregnant yet. It's their life, not mine. I don't give a crap if they have kids.

Xyzzzzz · 04/02/2022 17:27

It’s rude I hated being asked and never asked others

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/02/2022 17:37

I took great glee in answering "I'm barren" just to watch their stumbling, embarrassed apologies. Hopefully it made them think next time they were going to ask some other poor woman such an intrusive, triggering question. At 53 I still say it if people ask why I didn't have kids.

2bazookas · 04/02/2022 17:59

I suggest you think up some equally rude and insensitive conversation starter to respond with

" Sorry to hear about your trouble. Oh, Sorry.. me and my big mouth!"

Original poster

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 04/02/2022 18:07

I agree! I actually got so fed up on the end the fifth person to ask I told them I may not be able to have them and have had miscarriages. They soon apologised and I felt they should have known better so hoped I had made them squirm a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 04/02/2022 18:09

To add to another poster - I don't mind if people say 'do you have kids'? At all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that question and I don't take offence to that.

What I HATE are the following, there's a big difference;

WHEN do you think you'll have kids (how the fuck do I know? When my ovaries start to stop fucking around)

DONT you fancy kids?

Are you pregnant? (Because I don't want to drink?!)

OP posts:

Original poster

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 04/02/2022 18:11

When someone's asks do you have kids and you respond no, they should stop right fucking there because there could only be two possible reasons why you haven't got kids;

A) you don't want them (right now)
B) you can't have them

There are literally no other reasons to not have kids so why the fuck do people ask further questions?

OP posts:

welshladywhois40 · 04/02/2022 18:26

Sending you a big hug. I remember an insensitive colleague probing why I didn't have children as I was married and I had just separated and I found that hard enough.

Kbyodjs · 04/02/2022 18:30

I’m very cautious about asking people about their plans to have children (essentially I never do) as now I’m in my 30s I realise what a loaded question it is and how painful it’s been for friends of mine to be asked when they’ve had losses or difficulties. I cringe now though when I think about how insensitive I’ve been in the past in asking people without thinking

UnsuitableHat · 04/02/2022 18:34

Yeah you’re right, those questions are intrusive and thoughtless.

PamelaDoov · 04/02/2022 19:09

I feel you. Its rude & inappropriate and I don’t get why people still insist on doing it.

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 04/02/2022 19:18

I’m so with you OP. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and during that time in my life my heart would break just a little bit more every time some ignorant fucker asked me. There is literally no good reason to ask this question. Take care

FlasherMcGruff · 04/02/2022 22:30

A male friend of a friend said,
“where’s your babies, McGruff?! What’s the matter with you both! You need to get cracking!” Said in front of three other people and unknown to them I’d had a miscarriage two weeks before. Stupid fucking moron.

I think the next time someone asks, you need to look really taken aback and a bit pissed off and say “You are the eight person to ask me that this week. It’s actually getting ridiculous now.” Watch their nosy face fall.

januaryjam123 · 05/02/2022 04:23

You're definitely right. Society needs to change on this, it's too hurtful to have to answer things like this and it's thoughtless of people to ask.

Unfortunately I only now realise this in my 30s having struggled/taken a long time to conceive. I think I was probably one of those annoying people in my 20s that would just ask as if it's always a simple choice and not realise there might be any sensitivity at all.

Think there's an education piece across society around why people shouldn't use kids/pregnancy chat as small talk, and how inconsiderate it is.

changewwible · 05/02/2022 04:32

I'm 38 and get this a lot. I've started replying that I hate children.

Or I start showing them photos of my cats.

ToInverness · 05/02/2022 04:51

Top tip - give a quick evasive answer and then ask them if they are planning to have any more. Thats a more awkward question for lots of people than you would think and it takes some of the heat off. But yes I agree, people should stop asking!

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