To wonder if everyone secretly feels like this?

[Chessvarnish]

I can’t decide if it’s normal and how everyone feels or if it’s more than that.
I constantly in my head tell myself how useless I am. I never have any confidence in anything I do or any decision i make. I wouldn’t say I have any strengths or that I’m good at anything. If I had to describe myself I’d say ‘loser, annoying, hopeless.’
I’ve not got a glittering career. I’ve not got a huge amount of friends. I’m so horrified by myself that I can’t even look at my own belongings at the moment.
Does everyone feel like this sometimes?

I can't say I've felt completely useless because I always look on the bright side (I've managed not to die in 30 years, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes, and a small amount of people who love me) but I have a tendency to underestimate myself, as in I wouldn't apply for certain jobs my family/friends think I would definitely be able to do. In that sense I am and underachiever, I could have done a lot more in terms of career. But I try not to be so hard on myself, just think that I made certain decisions because I thought they were right at that time. Thinking in absolute terms doesn't help, for instance, I'm not useless or a shit friend, I'm just useless at phoning my friends regularly. Ok, so when that thought pops in my head, I try to send them a little message. Step by step you can change the way you think about yourself, even change certain aspects you'd wish to improve

Yes, definitely at times, more often when outside my comfort zoom. Confident is such tricky but powerful thing, you only can have more when you have some to start with. And the fact that it is entrenched in our believe system and heavily shaped by our childhood, makes it harder to cultivate.
I recommend a "play card" called confidence from school of life. Google them on youTube, it has wonderful playlists to explain why we can be so lack of confidence from the psychology point of view.
I believe confidence only grows from within, via hard work, well-deserved achievement and self love. It is definitely not easy.

And don't forget, many confident people you encounter are faking it.

Good luck op. Wish you a lot of happiness.

No not really, but I'm realistic about my strengths and weaknesses. I generally just get on with it though and don't worry about the rest.

At work I've definitely had moments where i've not been sure of what I'm doing but then I think everyone gets this.

It's important to think well of yourself.

Yes, but I try to remember that it is not completely true.
I mind be useless, selfish, lazy, depressed and a failure but I'm kind and nice and my cat loves me.

I occasionally think I am a dick, but only when I have been a dick.

And as I don't particularly want to be an actual dick, I make sure to the best of my abilities that I am not a dick as often as is possible, i.e. I do monitor myself and take responsibility for when I am a dick.

My main aim is to be ordinary though, not extraordinary. That's enough for me so no undue high expectations

I hear you. I am my own worst critic and can be blooming mean to myself at times. I would never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. But I once read something that has stuck with me. 'I will be the only person who will be with me for every hour of my existence, so be a nice friend to yourself'.

I rarely feel like that. I'm by no means great, but I am confident that I can make decisions and do OK.

it sounds like you have very low self-esteem and might benefit from support and therapy. you should not have to spend every day feeling that you are worthless or incapable.

I don't personally but I am aware it's sadly not uncommon. I hope you can find a way to be kinder to yourself.

I don’t hate myself but I feel that I’m so bloody ‘middle of the road’ with everything that I’m just boring and don’t stand out at all. Especially now I’m a mum I don’t feel that I have anything exciting to say. My job is fine. Just blah..

I have, at times, but it’s not normal at this extreme.

It’s important you get help for this OP, it can be a life wrecker - talk to your GP about CBT

Sounds like you're suffering from 'imposter syndrome' OP. It's incredibly common in women who don't actually have any real reason to doubt themselves!

I used to feel like this before therapy. I don't feel like this now.

Don't just accept it.

No, not now anyway. When I was younger, at school there was a sort of hierarchy thing going on in my head where some people were much better and cooler than me and I was somewhere, not at the bottom, but perhaps in the middle somewhere. Then for a while I had the idea that people were a lot better then they were, that some people always did things perfectly in a way that I couldn't, and I had a continual self-improvement plan going on to be fitter, slimmer , prettier, smarter etc, probably up into my 30s if I'm honest.

But gradually I grew up and got over it and realised that even seemingly quite amazing people are just normal, flawed human beings. And that I'm fine, just as I am.

What if there is no need to change, no need to transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving, or wise?

How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature – gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present?

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

How would this change what you think you have to learn?

What if becoming who and what we truly are happens not through striving and trying but by recognizing and receiving the people and places and practices that offer us the warmth of encouragement we need to unfold?

How would this shape the choices you make about how to spend today?

What if you knew that the impulse to move in a way that creates beauty in the world will arise from deep within and guide you every time you simply pay attention and wait?

How would this shape your stillness, your movement, your willingness to follow this impulse to just let go and dance?

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Hi, yes I feel like this sometimes, but I recognise that I've always had extremely low self esteem, and I'm very insecure about myself. As someone upthread mentioned, I think school hierarchies have a lot to answer for in terms of my self esteem. At my school it was particularly brutal and segregated, and I was bullied for being quiet. I've internalised a lot of that and even 25 years on it still gets to me at times.

I voted YABU because I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, but yes I think most people have this, at least on occasion! You need to be kinder to yourself, I'm not qualified to tell you how but if you can access it, see a therapist or if you can't, watch some uplifting programs like Queer Eye or Headspace meditation on Netflix. Getting outdoors and walking or running on the regular (daily) helped me but I realise this isn't possible for everyone.

Yep. There have been times when I haven't trusted myself to do or say anything right. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

Yep but I did grow up being told constantly by my parents and school that my brother was amazing, and my mum would tell me (still tries to) I was no good at something so couldn’t do it, or wouldn’t be any good at it, or expecting me to fail (despite no evidence for any of these things). I’m a lot better than I used to be but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly shake all that off.

Yes, but it's not healthy at all. If you had a friend who said their partner/friend was regularly telling them they were a hopeless, useless, annoying loser - what would you say?

It's so difficult to get out of that mindset when you're in it, but you HAVE to be kind to yourself, be your own cheerleader and tell yourself that you're living through one of the most difficult periods of time in modern history.

It’s very normal to have self critical thoughts. It’s your brains way of looking out for threats but it’s focused inside rather than out because we don’t have natural predators now. It’s how our brain helped us to survive by making us over focused on fitting in with the tribe etc.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has some great ideas for this kind of thing. Start off with ‘The Happiness Trap’ by Russ Harries. It’s inexpensive and a quick and easy read but very good.

A quick technique is to write a negative thought down, read it and really believe it for a moment and notice what it does to your body and emotions. Then add to the beginning of the thought ‘I have the thought that…’ and do the same. Notice what happens in your body and to your emotions. Then add to the beginning of the sentence ‘I notice that I have the thought that…’ and do the same. So:
‘I am no good’
‘I have the thought that I am no good’
‘I notice that I have the thought that I am no good’ pausing each time to notice what comes up in your body and emotions with each statement.

It’s a great way of really noticing that these are just thoughts. Painful and horrible thoughts but just thoughts. Once we can diffuse ourselves from our thoughts we can make choices about what we then do and what will take us more towards what matters most to us.

Hope you can find some peace.

All the time, constant stream of self hatred in the background. It’s worse when I’m tired.

During lockdown I started muttering out loud at myself when alone. Then I yelled at myself “oh you stupid BITCH” one day when I wasn’t alone and the poor woman just a little way in front of me jumped and ran off. I felt awful, still do. I’d never yell insults at a stranger, or anyone I knew for that matter.

I’ve made humongous efforts to control myself since then and it’s dialled back down to being in my head.

What were your parents like when you were growing up OP? Could this voice be coming from one of them? My parents were my biggest cheerleaders and I think this is why I have good self esteem as an adult.

Yes - but only before my period or if I am EXTREMELY sleep deprived.

Rest of the time, I'm far more balanced. There's still stuff I am disappointed in myself about, but I can see the good bits too.

So, are you hormonal or very exhausted at the moment?

I feel exactly like this. I always have, I've never felt any different. My parents were my biggest cheerleaders and my mum thinks I'm far better and more capable at everything that I actually am, but I've decided she obviously has to think that because she's my mum! Desperately trying not to pass it on to my children, I know I probably need therapy but can't afford it

I think a lot of factors can lead to you feeling like this. I am similar to a few previous posters in that I was shy at school and not popular. I don't really feel like I was praised much by my parents but my mum was diagnosed with a disease during my childhood so I don't blame either of them for not being focused on my confidence building as they were living with the fact that my mum would eventually die in a short number of years.
I've recently had therapy and have been taught techniques like self compassion and learning to separate your thoughts from reality. I am at the beginning of my journey and not mastered them yet but I'm sure they could help you. If you can't afford therapy then definitely try some of the books and techniques previous posters have mentioned.