18 year old and I at loggerheads ..

[cozynightsin]

are at loggerheads.
Sue is refusing to go to school
As she doesn't like it and finds it hard but won't drop out as she wants to go the third level.
We have tried everything to support her, get her to school , even just one class.
Her school has been incredible. They've offered her lots of incentives to stay at school or even come in. She isn't accepting help, she just won't go in and stays in bed watching tv all day . She is still socialising and meeting friends and is in great form outside of school.
I've brought her to Dr. Who feels that she isn't depressed but needs to want to sort this out for herself , with support. She just will not listen to reason or alternatives . She simply does not want to go to school but doesn't wasn't to leave either . The reason the Dr said this is because' everybody is wrong and useless', in her eyes .
So hime has been stressful today the least. Her siblings are now trying to copy her and are very stressed with her rudeness and outbursts.
I am Also a single parent.Dad isn't very involved.
While it is t about me, I think I sort out f melted down a couple of weeks ago.
I cancelled all plans with friends for the foreseeable future and broke up my joyful loving relationship with my partner as I just couldn't see a way through the fog.
I feel I need to be at home for her 24/7 even though she is not at home much at weekends and even when she is, she's with friends or on calls or in bed lounging. She refuses to go to her dads.
I think that just being in the background might make her feel supported or prioritised?
I amso sad about my relationship finishing but he said he will wait for me. I'm
Also sad to be missing out on friends birthdays, walks, coffees and nights away.
I feel that the joy I had with my partner and my friends, Which was genuinely the only enjoyment I have had in the last few months, is gone and I feel so deflated and hopeless for the future.
Can I have your opinion son this please.
Am I being a good mother or a walkover here?

If she is not unwell, you need to give her an ultimatum. Either she makes an effort to go to school or leaves and gets a job.

Surely she will be leaving around June anyway if she's 18. Is she expected to pass her exams if she's not been in. Sounds like she's taking advantage to me. I certainly wouldn't be putting my life on hold for her.

She's not unwell.
I feel awful giving her an ultimatum as she was very affected by her dad leaving and covid restrictions.
In her eyes everyone else is wrong and nothing can be done so she just lies on her bed all day long.
It has been the single most stressful time of my life, even more so than my marriage ending abruptly.I'm battered from it all.

You are being an absolute martyr. Sorry to be so very blunt but why are you cancelling your life for her. Your happiness is extremely important for you and your children. Your partner, friends, dropped, for what?

You need to leave her to it and get on with your life. She is 18. Lead by example.

I cancelled all plans with friends for the foreseeable future and broke up my joyful loving relationship with my partner as I just couldn't see a way through the fog.
I feel I need to be at home for her 24/7 even though she is not at home much at weekends and even when she is, she's with friends or on calls or in bed lounging. She refuses to go to her dads.

Why did you do this? To try to create a sense of obligation in her?

She's 18. There is not much you can do other than show general support and/or issue an ultimatum about what she needs to do if she is to continue to live with you. But there is no reason to have thrown away your own life in the process. That isn't going to help anyone.

Might she be rebelling against a background of what she sees as martyred self-sacrifice, showing that she can't be manipulated by it? I'm not saying that's what's happening, I'm just asking if that might be how she perceives it.

You are being a brilliant mother but I'm not sure that being home with her 24/7 is going to help.

For a start, if she believes everyone is wrong and useless she might get frustrated and pissed off that you're always there, maybe? How is her attitude towards you?

I think you can achieve a balance of showing her you're there for her by spending more time at home without isolating yourself.

If she was under 18, I'd suggest confiscating her devices but she isn't so you can't. You could though remove WiFi when she's at home alone so she's reliant on data. And if you are in charge of her phone contract you could also limit the amount of data allowance she has each month. I think this is reasonable, you don't have to pay for her to sit around gassing to friends all day.

Lots of people fall out of love with the education at this age, and especially after the last couple of years, she might just need time to do something else. I'd encourage her to find a part time job if she's not studying.

There's no way my parents would have let me get away without sitting at home doing nothing and not contributing to household expenses at 18! If she won't study (and she's not mentally unwell) the she needs to take some responsibility.

She's not a child any more.

OK she's not fully an adult yet (developmentally she's still an adolescent) but there's a balance to strike between gentle handling and tough love.

Don't sacrifice your life in its entirety. You need to look after yourself too and if this continues you'll end up resenting her which will cause no end of damage to your relationship.

If she's not clinically depressed I'd be taking away her TV and leaving her a list of jobs to do if she won't go to school

I'd also be asking her how she's going to go on if she's not planning on taking her A-levels because if she's not at school you're not funding her.

How does she afford her social life?

• I was also going to say, she can still return to education in few years if she wants to. Let her know there are options - this will be supportive, but she also needs to know that she can't have a free ride.

You have to let her fail. It's the only way. She'll tantrum and "hate" you for a while but she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. How else is she going to learn to adult?

Step back, get your own life back on track, let her get on with it. 2 or 3 days of being ignored and having nothing to resist against, she'll realise it's up to her to sort herself out. You have nothing to blame yoursrlf for.

I would leave her to get on with it. You can't make her do anything at 18 and it looks like she wants to fail at school so let her. It could be the shock she needs and she can always go back.

I'm honestly flabbergasted that you have given up everything in your life over this.

It has been so so stressful. I couldn't see a way forward. I thought she had anxiety and depression but anyone involved with her feels she needs to cop on and adult up a bit.

I feel you are being a pushover tbh.
You shouldnt be putting your life on hold.
Imo your adult Dc has a choice- Go back to school or full time work.
work to pay you rent if they arnt already too.

I hope you can remake plans with friends and get back your relationship, you deserve it.

This can't be easy for you but as a starting point i would be cutting off any money you give her, switching off the wifi, removing the tv remote control etc and i would tell her if she is not going to school she needs to get a job. You really, really need to be tough with her, she is old enough to understand that life isn't all about swanning around with her pals or lying in bed. Good luck op.

I'd tell her to that her choices are to either get up and go to school or to go job hunting every day in the library as you're not supporting her to stay in bed and go out with friends. She's 18 now, if she doesn't like it she can leave.

As for you, I say this in the nicest way as I've been guilty of this in the past. Get some boundaries, her shit shouldn't be creating these feelings in you to a point where you end your relationship and friendships. That's not a healthy dynamic to be in where (I really don't mean this horribly) you're being the victim of your dds life choices. Ring your dp, apologise and say you went a bit mad and you're not sure why, get back out with seeing your friends and crack back on with your life. She's 18 and unfortunately it's up to her now. You on the other hand have no obligation to support an adult that won't help herself and doesn't have a good reason for needing the level of support you're giving her.

if she doesn't go to school, she will have to get a job. just lying around in bed all day is not an acceptable option.

do make your own plans and not stay home with her - set an example by keeping your own life running

Shape up or ship out it was my parents would (and did) say. No way I would be loafing about in the house age 18. Give her 3 choices: stay at school and go to uni/get a job/ find somewhere else to live

She won't go to school but refuses to leave?

This makes no sense.

Tell her she needs to starts paying rent. So she needs to get a job.

@cozynightsin

It has been so so stressful. I couldn't see a way forward. I thought she had anxiety and depression but anyone involved with her feels she needs to cop on and adult up a bit.

If the professionals don't think it's depression, it likely isn't.

But she isn't going to adult up if you're there giving up your entire life for her for no reason other than to be constantly present in the house, which most people find crazy making anyway. And even if she is depressed, that's still not the answer.

A) Stop being a martyr. You didn't need to cancel your own plans.

B) If she has struggled with school when she was younger too(?) I'd want to rule out a few things before assuming laziness, including ADHD, which can come across as laziness to others.

How does she think she’s going to get to ‘third level’ if she doesn’t pass her current course? And how does she think she’s going to pass her current course if she doesn’t go to school?
Surely if she won’t go and won’t leave, it gets to the point where the school kicks her out anyway?

How is she affording this social life? I'm trying not to be sarky here but she's got things just how she wants them hasn't she? Why on earth would she bother going to school, this is not a hardship for her.
Time for a reality check. No school then a full financial contribution towards her living costs is expected, to be paid from the job she will have to now get. Good grief.

If the dr is saying nothing is wrong she is choosing to act this way
So toughen up and give her an ultimatum. School or she gets a job

Put a timescale on it. If she doesn’t do either then yes pay for food etc, but no money for going out, no paying for her phone, no hairdresser or whatever

And stop putting your life on hold, ignore her behaviour, meet your friends, see your partner. All you are doing at the moment is allowing her to dictate how you behave and feel. Take that back, show her her behaviour is not going to affect your own happiness

Since you’ve already tried the doctors and ruled out depression, I think you’ve done all you can. She’s 18 so you can’t force her to go to school.

Instead stop giving her any money and only pay for the absolute basics for her in your shopping (sanitary products, v. Basic hygiene products like shampoo, food).

She can choose whether to go back to school and get the perks of being supported by a parent, or she can get a job 🤷‍♀️.

Don’t get into arguments about it, just be calm and matter of fact.

Oh and please don’t stop going out etc. You deserve to be happy too .

Tell her she either gets herself back into education, gets a job or finds somewhere else to live. Simple as that.

STEP BACK!

In the nicest possible way. She is an adult. She isn't ill. She's making life choices. Let her. It's not that big a deal if she fails She can retake next year if need be. Get on with your life... show that example to the younger kids!

School will likely keep her until they have to finalise exam entry - at which point they will withdraw her rather than have her fail as she doesn't show up.

I would tell her she has till the end of May to get herself back to school and doing her exams or to get a job. Remind her that without her exams she won't get a uni place if that's her expectation.
At the end of May pull the plug on the financing. She gets bed and board only. She wants money to go out etc she earns it. Extend that till 1st Sept if she takes her exams.

But do go back to your life! I don't see why you've cancelled anything. The only thing I perhaps wouldn't do is weekends away if it means leaving her looking after younger siblings but beyond that go for it!

I'd tell her to that her choices are to either get up and go to school or to go job hunting every day in the library as you're not supporting her to stay in bed and go out with friends. She's 18 now, if she doesn't like it she can leave.

^^This, and mean it. She needs to be out of the house when you leave in the morning and can come back when you are home until she gets a full time job, then she's doing that. In the meantime you don't fund her social life. She's 18. Grown up time.