Emigrated and homesick

[Applejuice12]

My DH, DD 12 and DS 10 emigrated 6 months ago to my husbands home country in search of a better life than the UK. 6 months on, I am still very homesick, don't like the climate/weather, don't like the food, we can't find a house we like to rent or buy, I don't think the education sytem is as good as the UK, I feel very guilty and sad for leaving my parents. (In their mid 70's but still healthy). I can see that it would be good place for the children to grow up and our work/life balance would be better, but I just want to go home! My DH and DD (who loves it) want to stay and give it a go. My DS and I would both return tomorrow if we could. My DH says he will return if I really want but he'd rather stay and give it a go as we have invested so much time and money into the move and it's where all his family live. He is also struggling to adjust as he has been in the UK for 20 years and it has changed considerably since his youth. Has anyone else emigrated and hated it? I think if we go back now we could just slip back into our old lives and treat it as an amazing experience/long holiday. Our UK house sale hasn't completed so we could do a last minute pull out. I'm worried if we stay another couple of years and I still don't like it, the children will have missed out on to much UK curriculum to adequately catch up for exams and will have lost their UK friendships and we would have sold our house by then and would struggle to buy a similar one in the same area. We had a nice life in the UK, nice friends, nice house in a nice area we liked, but we were both perhaps getting a bit bored with the monotony of adult life and wanted a change. More of a WWYD question? Has anyone else emigrated and hated it or does it get better?

How about renting out your U.K. home instead of selling? Give yourself a bit more breathing space?

OP 6 months is not a long time. It will take on average 2 years to settle in properly. I have moved countries more than once.

Things will be different there. Which is the point of moving from what you have said.

Think back to when you made the decision to move. The idea of moving and actually doing it are two different things..

I can't tell you what to do. Perhaps the final stages of the house selling is putting you into a difficult situation, as in if I don't stop it now, it's gone iyswim.

I do think that you should be helping your DC, esp your 10 yr old to settle in though, and at this point not give them the option of choosing where they want to live. It makes it difficult to settle with that oh maybe I'll be leaving thought hanging over their heads.

Good luck OP.

It took me a while to settle a few times, the more ties you have to your home country, the more difficult it is tbh.

I lived in Perth, WA for 2 years. We rented our house out to friends of friends and they looked after the house (though we didn’t ask for a full rate in rent as knew they’d look after it).
I was homesick for most of the time out there. I felt pressured by my h to move out there. So it wasn’t a good time. I did manage to get back to the Uk in the middle of it.
It didn’t work out as my dh lost his job through redundancy. He wanted to stay, I didn’t. So we came back. It nearly ended our marriage, Honestly, I could’ve divorced him back then, it was a horrific time for me. I gave up a lot for the move and wasn’t getting anything out of it for me. I missed my family terribly too. Skype just wasn’t good enough.

6 months is hardly anything with a big move like this.

I live very far from where I was raised, and DH and I had a really nice life in England. I'd say for the first 18 months or so that we were here it didn't really feel right. I thought I was home sick so we went "home" to visit and it just wasn't the same. I realised then that I was missing a particular time in my life, and certain people, rather than just missing the city/house that I used to live in.

I've been over here for 6 years now and I can't imagine ever wanting to go back to England. We've built a life here that's much better than what we'd have in England. This place really feels like home. I suppose you might say I've assimilated

I'm not saying that every move abroad is always on to bigger and better things, but I do think that 6 months is nowhere near enough time to make yourself at home in a new country.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Six months is not long enough. You need to emotionally budget at least two years and that includes doing the work of getting out and making friends. And, yes, it is awful during that time.

However, dreams of living somewhere based on a young man’s memory of twenty years ago is also problematic. Young men aren’t noted for noticing the nitty gritty needed to make family life work. I have this conversation with dh (he’s the immigrant) occasionally.

I think that in this case a long hard look at what you had, the promises made and what life might hold might be necessary and perhaps a little counselling to be sure of clarity.

It takes time, 6 months is nothing. I also felt fairly homesick after 6 months the strange seasons, the fact NZ tv is dreadful, internet speeds were woeful and the chips in fish and chip shops were/ are nasty depressing frozen muck … it’s the small things isn’t it?

Try and give it 18 months, I taught in the UK system and believe it is ( for all its flaws) the best in the world, will your children come out with a comparable qualification etc?

It’s not easy at times, but things suddenly click and there is a possibility that eventually it will feel like home, am also wondering if you are still having to send paperwork to immigration etc… the process always feels like the country doesn’t want you, I found gaining residence and then citizenship really helped with a feeling of belonging. If you happen to be in NZ feel free to pm me, I even have spare British to NZ 4 way plugs if you are running low!

Yes I emigrated and eventually came home.

I would cut your losses and head home, if you hate everything about the place it isn't going to get better. I was in a country I loved, and still eventually needed to come home. After a while the feeling of rootless dislocation can be really detrimental to any kind of quality of life.

If you move home, your dd can reestablish her friendships, the short period of time will work in your favour, your friends and family will welcome you back with open arms, and you can pick up where you left off. If you leave it for years, your children will become absorbed in the new country and find it harder to leave, and their old friendships and yours will drop off.

Also you may never get home at all, as most older children will become teenagers and meet boyfriends/girlfriends, get jobs and will go to university etc, and you will then have the very difficult and painful decision about leaving your children behind.

I would return home now, throw a party and say you tried it and its not for you. It may not get any better, and in fact it could get worse with your mental health etc. I would do what is best in the long term, a good education is a cornerstone to all future success.

If you have migrated to Australia, it does take longer than 6 months. However Covid and lockdowns have made lots of people re-evaluate where they want to be.
Heaps of Brits have moved back to UK, even after so many years. It is a hard call but if there is not a lot to hold you to your new country, I can see why home calls so loudly.

Don't forget things getting pretty grim here in blighty. Politically and economically. Unless you are well off coming back might be regrettable. Can you come for a quick holiday?

I emigrated to the UK. Tbh it took a long time for the scales to fall off as the novelty kept me interested and it's easier to admire all that is good in a country when you're younger and less concerned about crumbling infrastructure, poor housing, dodgy health system and so on. I'd say the homesickness is worse now as I am far more aware of all the problems with this place than, say, 15 years ago when I first visited here.

The thing is OP, when you marry a foreigner, you have to factor this possibility into the equation. Your DH has had years living overseas, away from his home country and family: you haven’t. Why should the sacrifice be so one-sided? You really need to give it a chance and stick it out.

My DH is a different nationality and we also live in another country that neither of us are from. We’ve been here a decade now and are happy but it takes time and effort. Some things are better than our home countries and some worse, because nowhere is perfect.

A family member of mine emigrated to NZ where her husband was from. The plan was to spend 2 years there having spent 2 years here to see where they wanted to settle. Within 6 months of being there they were buying there. I’m not sure it is right for you if you’re feeling like you want to come home so soon. What I would say, is don’t make life decisions based on what you perceive other people with think etc (it will be on their minds for 5 mins and then they will just carry on with their own lives.) also don’t base decisions on how much money you’ve already spent (sunken cost). It comes across that you already know what’s right for you to do & that your DH will be happy to make the same choice. I’ve moved round within the UK, some places have made me sad to live in and where we live now makes my heart sing. I know I don’t have the same change of country adjustments to make but there is a heart aspect to where you live that can’t always be rationalised.

Moving countries and continents are incredibly difficult for the first year. You don’t mention if your husband moved to the U.K. to be with you, but if so, that is not only showing you the depth of his feelings for you but he has done the very unsettling things you’re experiencing now. Left family, friends, familiarity, and culture behind. As he has been here 2 decades (not sure if you were together for that entire time) it seems just and fair to both have some time in your “home” country. Also your children have a non British born father and it will help them see their other nationality and maybe make connections with their paternal extended family. It doesn’t have to be a forever move but it is very compassionate and equitable on your part to try. You are a good spouse.

there is a heart aspect to where you live that can’t always be rationalised.

Very true. Sometimes you walk around a brand new place and it just feels like home.