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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father remarrying woman that’s I’m not keen on

48 replies

Jblock123 · 03/02/2022 21:21

Hi, I wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar and could give me some advice. My mum died a few years ago and my dad quickly met somebody else, my parents had been married for nearly 50 years. He met the new lady and she had moved into his house within 2 weeks of meeting. I tried to make an effort with her as I wanted my dad to be happy. As time has gone on though I feel so unhappy about how things are. Since he met this lady I am not allowed to see him on his own, even for a walk or a cup of tea. She is very possessive and doesn’t like him to do anything without her and he has just let her do this. He has told me she is insecure on the one occasion he was on his own and I voiced my concerns. I have also spoken to her about it but nothing has changed in fact things are worse as my relationship with my father is pretty much non existent. If I call round to see him she is by his side and if I call him I am on loudspeaker. He announced at Christmas that he was marrying her and I just felt so sad. He does everything with her family and isn’t interested in mine, he hasn’t seen my children for more than about half an hour in the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up to be honest as it’s only ever me making the effort. My husband can’t stand the way he’s treated me and our children and wants nothing to do with him & my children (now adults) don’t want to see him anymore either. Contact has dwindled since Xmas to the odd text and to be honest it’s a bit of a relief but at the same time I feel guilty as I feel as if I have a duty to him!

OP posts:

Soul11Soul · 04/02/2022 07:59

Ultimately there isn't anything you can do to control this situation except be very upfront about your concerns. If there is anything of your mother's in their home that you would be heartbroken to lose perhaps you could ask to have it now before it becomes a marital asset. That may trigger a conversation. I can understand you feeling betrayed and let down by your dad but it does sound as though there is some coercive control happening here.

Spudina · 04/02/2022 08:04

I could have written this post. Except my Dad isn’t wealthy. But I haven’t seen him on his own in over 20 years since he and my Stepmum got together months after my Mum died. As everyone has said, widowed men move on quickly. After 50 years of marriage your Dad would have found suddenly being alone very difficult.
I’m afraid there’s not a lot you can do. I’ve accepted that seeing my Dad on my own isn’t an option, and that he has limited interest in my young kids. When we get together we get along ok, but he (like your Dad) is the one who is missing out. Sending best wishes, it’s a horrible situation.

Dacquoise · 04/02/2022 08:05

My DM is one of those women that will benefit from remarriage to a very wealthy man. She was openly complaining about the amount of money he gave to his adult children to help them out ie to buy cars and getting married. Not sure how that affected her as she is financed by him. Also resented having to entertain his heavily disabled son.

It won't benefit her own children though when he dies as we're all NC with the awful woman. You have my sympathies Op.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/02/2022 08:17

I would challenge her to her face personally in front of everyone. It sounds like your poor dad is vulnerable and in a controlling emotionally abusive manipulating relationship. I would make her aware you know her intentions and that you can see and speak to you're father without her whether she likes it or not.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/02/2022 08:24

@LadyMaid

He is responsible for his own actions. Stop blaming his partner.

Would you say the same if it was a woman being manipulated by a man? Not being allowed to see people on your own is a huge red flag whichever way around it is

dottydodah · 04/02/2022 09:23

I think men seem to "need" a new partner much more quickly than women do .Its very hurtful but seems to be very common on here.It does seem as though she could be after his money .I doubt there is much you can do TBH .Rich widowers seem easy pickings for unscrouplous types .

BABAHOTEL · 04/02/2022 09:51

Would you say the same if it was a woman being manipulated by a man? Not being allowed to see people on your own is a huge red flag whichever way around it is

This

MrHavelIsHot · 04/02/2022 10:04

He is grieving a wife of 50 years, grief makes people do very odd things.

I’m sure OP is grieving too, she lost her mum after all and now has to watch her father behaving like a fool. She needs to look after herself, not her silly father.

Hope you’re ok OP.

campion · 04/02/2022 10:46

You need to have a talk with him about wills and house ownership. She could get the lot and you nothing, and I guess that's not really what he and your mum would have intended.

This happened to my Df when he was only 21 and his stepfather kept everything legally as there was no will. And no conscience.

Yes he can do what he likes but he also needs a wake up call. He sounds like he's being manipulated.

BABAHOTEL · 04/02/2022 14:11

@MrHavelIsHot

He is grieving a wife of 50 years, grief makes people do very odd things.

I’m sure OP is grieving too, she lost her mum after all and now has to watch her father behaving like a fool. She needs to look after herself, not her silly father.

Hope you’re ok OP.

He is not "silly", he is confused and being potentially financially and emotionally abused.

Imagine if this was the DM, with a man controlling her like this.

MrHavelIsHot · 04/02/2022 14:40

Imagine if this was the DM, with a man controlling her like this.

I don’t need to imagine, I’ve been through it. She was and is silly. And I didn’t hang around to pick up the pieces.

Chely · 04/02/2022 14:42

He's made his bed. Get on with your life

BABAHOTEL · 04/02/2022 17:39

@MrHavelIsHot

Imagine if this was the DM, with a man controlling her like this.

I don’t need to imagine, I’ve been through it. She was and is silly. And I didn’t hang around to pick up the pieces.

So you acknowledged and recognised that someone was being financially and emotionally controlled and walked away.......

drpet49 · 04/02/2022 17:43

* I’m sorry OP. I know people are blaming your DF but he was grieving for his wife of 50 years and must have been in a very strange headspace. If she genuinely loved him I thinknshe’d have taken things much more slowly and respectfully and tried to get on with his family. Instead she’s treated you like a threat to be controlled and excluded. She’s after his money and scared you’ll talk him into dumping her.*

^This. The woman is a nasty piece of work.

ThoseFestiveLights · 04/02/2022 17:43

I don’t know, it doesn’t sound awful to me. Your husband said he doesn’t like your dad because of how he has treated you over the years: that seems more significant.

I hardly ever leave my husband alone if his family visit! We come as a pair. And older people tend to be quite joined at the hip.

Unless she is 30 years younger I think YABU.

ThoseFestiveLights · 04/02/2022 17:45

How many years have they been together?

Peas252 · 04/02/2022 17:48

@LadyMaid

He is responsible for his own actions. Stop blaming his partner.

Such a vile response!

Seymour5 · 04/02/2022 18:06

My father and his sister inherited very little of their parents’ estate, but as they were in Scotland, they got a small legacy each. Nothing was left to the grandchildren either. My grandparents were separated long before my grandmother died, by which time she was living in a council flat, being supported by my father. She died before I was born. My grandfather’s quickly married, much younger, second, childless, wife got the lot. House, flats, business, money. When she died, nearly every penny went to animal charities.

I sent for a copy of her will out of curiosity.

Christmas1988 · 04/02/2022 18:07

I’d write him a letter explaining how you feel, how you get upset he doesn’t see his grandchildren and then see what happens. If he makes and effort after then you’re ok, if not you’ll just have to decide what your next step is.

LittleOwl153 · 04/02/2022 18:08

Write him a letter. Tell him exactly how you feel. Try to get it to him without his wife noticing when you see him or post it to him in an official looking envelope. It might work. It might not. But you will have tried.

After that I would walk away sadly. There is little you can do. He knows where to find you if he wants to.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 04/02/2022 18:52

Pragmatically OP I would do some long-term financial planning with your DH on the assumption that you and the DC won't inherit, so you avoid any nasty surprises.

And tbh I wouldn't put myself out for someone who CBA to speak to me personally or to see the kids. So as PPs have said, at least you get to skip the bum wiping !

I'm really sorry but this is such a common pattern of behaviour. And yes NAMALT. But I can think of similar in my own family. Suspect that at a fundamental unconscious biological level men know they can always make more kids with very little effort, so they are less driven about the ones they already have.

Buildingthefuture · 04/02/2022 19:06

Different circumstances but my fathers wife is an equally money grabbing harridan, who very determinedly set about separating him from his DC, with whom he had a very good relationship. He, the spineless fool went along with it and I’ve been NC with him for a long time after years of rejection. Lonely men make desperate choices. I never expected to inherit anything from him either way, but it’s a good job, since I hear they are brassic now anyway, after she spent all the money…

Thanksfor · 04/02/2022 19:53

My father did exactly the same. Mum dies, seeing another woman a month later, holiday with OW 6 weeks after my mother died.
4 months later he calls me to help empty mums belongings and yep, he was moving the OW in.
I told him I thought it was all a bit hasty - he ran straight to the OW who couldn’t wait to use it as proof I was ‘interfering’ and to accuse me of calling her a gold digger etc (I never even mentioned that word).
She used the situation to cause trouble between my father and I and they were then the star crossed lovers - world against them all.
It just drove them closer together and my father and I further apart. I recognised this and told my father that I didn’t want anything to do with her (she was nothing but trouble).
So, he decided that in that case he’d want nothing to do with me.
7 years later he still doesn’t. Her family is all he bothers with. She’s literally taken over his whole life and he’s allowed it for an easy life.
HIS LOSS - she can wipe his old arse in his rapidly approaching old age. Good luck to her!!

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