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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twins & friends

27 replies

GingerWithMustard · 03/02/2022 18:39

Quick poll, ds is friends with a boy whose twins in his form. Ds is not friends with the twin brother who's in his form but they are friendly enough. He really gets on with the twin who's in another form. all kids in Y7. Ds wants to invite his friend who is not in his from but not the twin who's in his form. Is he being unreasonable? Will the twin in his form feel annoyed at being left out?

YABU you can't invite just the twin from the other form even though he is ds' mate without also inviting twin who goes to his form as he would feel left out.

YANBU it's ok to just invite the twin who is Ds's friend even though they are not in the same form together

OP posts:
greatape · 03/02/2022 18:42

Totally ok to invite the twin he's closer to regardless of forms.

Mother of twins where we have had very similar situations. They are entitled to their own mates.

GnomeyGnome · 03/02/2022 18:43

It's absolutely fine to invite his friend and not his friend's brother. Doesn't matter if they're twins especially at the age they are now. The only way I'd say you were being unreasonable is if your DS was inviting his whole form bar this one child but doesn't seem like anything like that is happening. I think you're overthinking it a bit, don't worry.

LittleLadyCece · 03/02/2022 18:44

Not a problem in my eyes to invite one without there other. Twins have the right to have their own friends separate to their twin surely?

AllYouCanEatBrestaurant · 03/02/2022 18:45

Twins aren't a package deal, there's no need to invite the lad any more than there would be to invite an older or younger sibling.

Rrrob · 03/02/2022 18:46

Fine at that age (twin mum here).

whyaremycatssohungry · 03/02/2022 18:52

Twin mum here

Little children might struggle (preschool) but Primary onwards only invite the friend. Twins are their own people and don't usually like being thought of as a pair.

Original poster
GingerWithMustard · 03/02/2022 19:24

I'm just worried that ds would alienate the twin who is in his form and who he doesn't want to invite. He's thinking of inviting one other boy who is all in his form. This other boy, twin from other form and ds hang out at school together and get on well. Twin in his form is also lovely (imo) but ds doesn't feel they have a connection.

Good to hear from twin mums that this wouldn't be hurtful to 'form twin'. Thank you.

OP posts:
Maddiemoosmum0203 · 03/02/2022 19:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2022 19:27

Totally fine at this age- if younger more tricky but no absolutely fine to have own friendships

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 03/02/2022 19:29

My 10yo twins have their own friends and are invited separately to play dates. It's not a problem.

ToocloseMIL · 03/02/2022 19:31

I'm a twin mum - totally fine and personally I prefer it when they make their own individual friends and aren't seen as the same person. Am I understanding the twins are in different forms? It's possible their parents have asked for this to help them develop their own identities. I did for my two when they were younger.

esloquehay · 03/02/2022 19:37

No problem at all.
You wouldn't bat an eyelid if it were a different age sibling.
Twins are individuals.
(Twin Mum)

TheGratefulBread · 03/02/2022 19:44

Mum to twin sons (A & J) here. Mine are Year 8 (will turn 13 at the end of the month).

A & J are identical, and there are still people who subscribe to the nonsense that they must want to do absolutely everything together, have all the same friends etc, and this is not the case. Don't get me wrong, they are the best of friends, but they are also individuals. There are some shared interests, but also differing interests, and the latter means they each have their own friendship groups. Sometimes they all 'hang out' together, other times as separate groups. Personally I think it's good for twins, to each have time away from the other, and do their own thing.

When my friend was visiting in November, she was really shocked that J's friend had only asked him to his birthday celebration, and had not not invited A. I told her, they are not a package deal, but she said I should be offended! When she repeated her shock to A, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "doesn't bother me, he's J's friend, not mine."

Anyway, that's a really longwinded way of saying, YANBU in my humble opinion.

Funkyslippers · 03/02/2022 19:46

Yes totally fine. They would have some separate friends by that age

Matilda15 · 03/02/2022 19:53

One of my best friends is a twin mum with children that age and she actively encourages one to be invited if they aren’t close to both as it invariably means the ‘plus one’ twin gets left out anyway when actually it would be nicer for the other twin to be at home and have some 1 on 1 time with her.

Bonbon21 · 03/02/2022 20:00

It is other people who 'join' twins!!!
Each child has its own identity, ideas, ability, dreams and voice...
Let your son make his own choice of friends... some will last, some will pass by.
I am just glad he can tell them apart.... as completely seperate people... many adults seem incapable of that!!

Mustreadabook · 03/02/2022 20:03

It’s fine to invite just one at that age. My twins (identical boys, 10) did have separate friends, but now it is all getting complicated and they are actively trying to be friends with each other’s friends, and it’s causing so many arguments! Has anyone had to deal with this.

SportsMother · 03/02/2022 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Corneliusmurphy · 03/02/2022 20:14

I never mind only one being invited anywhere, I have been upset a couple of times because people decided it would be fairer to have neither rather than just one and they missed out on good friend’s birthdays.
The parents mentioned it afterwards limited places, wouldn’t be fair blah blah and I’d be polite whilst thinking wtf? I did say it’s fine to just have the one and then they’d look at me like i was weird. They are not the same person!!!

CleoUK · 03/02/2022 20:14

This would not be a problem for my twins (year 7). They have only one shared friend - all the others are separate.

Gilead · 03/02/2022 20:15

Another twin mum, they each have their own friends; invite his friend.

RandomUsernameHere · 03/02/2022 20:20

YANBU it's absolutely fine. They're individuals and should be treated as such. I'm also a twin mum Smile

Original poster
GingerWithMustard · 03/02/2022 22:18

Thanks! I wouldn't think twice if he was friends with and invited only the twin who is in his form.

I'm just thinking it could be a bit awkward that he is more friendly with the twin who's in the other form but I am probably totally overtaking this.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 03/02/2022 22:29

My DS has been friends with one twin twice. In both instances the boy he was friends with was invited to parties and sleepovers and not the other. Both sets of parents actively encouraged the boys to be individuals. With one set of twins the only thing they fought about were friends.

My ex was a twin and whilst they were close and had some friends in common they also had their own friendship groups.

OutdoorType · 03/02/2022 22:31

YANBU although I clicked YABU by mistake! I think you are over thinking it.