To move my kids schools?

[Indecisivemumof3]

I am considering moving my DC so they are all at the same school with included nursery which is walking distance from home.

DC1 Y4 got additional needs, SENCO never available, teacher inadequate, being bullied. Probable ASC.
DC2 Y1 got mild learning issues which are being supported somewhat, but not be the SENCO, teacher lovely, happy with friends but makes friends easily.
DC3 Pre school. Not related to the school, great provider but hard to get to and can't really afford it. Happy enough, but happy anywhere really and no significant friendships (possible too young). No additional needs.

The school run involves buses and walking and on a bad day can take 2 hours+ especially as the bus service has been cut due to covid. I'm meant to be working in those hours but am often exhausted just by the running around. I have to use private breakfast club at substantial cost in order to drop off at two different places. We've also had lots of morning meltdowns and lateness. Getting to the point of school refusal tbh.

My option is 1. Keep everything the same.

1. Keep older two at school and fight for better SEND help and try to resolve the bullying issues, youngest in the other schools nursery. 3. Eldest in current school (hope high school is better, it's only 2 years away), move younger as still in Y1 so will have lots of years there and get youngest into that school nursery. I would still have to do two separate school runs however this would be possible if I use breakfast provision at the new school and nursery which is run for those on low income so would cost considerably less but still be stressful logistically.

There is after school care at current school and Current preschool provision is a misery so open later as well. This would help me on the one evening a week I may have to work late, but I may be able to arrange help from family for that one. It does mean I'd have less flexibility on timings and seasons, but also hopefully more time instead of wasting half my day Hanging about bus stops.

AIBU to move their school? WWYD?

Private nursery not misery. What a flipping weird autocorrect!

Sorry it's a bit of a long one.

TDLR: 1 DC unhappy, unsupported at school, 1 DC happy ish at school, 1 DC needs new childcare provision and only option is local school nursery but not the school the older DC go to. AIBU to move them all so they are together in one place, or should I find a way to keep the eldest and/or middle DC where they are and fight for more support. WWYD?

2 hours a day to get there. Why wouldn't you move them?

It's the nursery that takes 2 hours, both schools are about the same distance a short bus ride but also walkable. Whatever happens I will move the nursery to the school nursery, it's more whether I should leave 1 or both the school age Dc where they are or move them as well.

I have already looked into childminders and other options. Everywhere is at full capacity.

On a good day it takes 1hrs 15 on a bad day 2hrs or more. School is 5 mins bus or 20mins walk (both schools same distance in opposite directions, so would take 10 minutes on bus or 40 mins on foot to get between the two which is why I would have to use breakfast provision/ earlier nursery start)

Sometimes the buses just get cancelled for no reason last minute. Definitely the pre School needs moved

Get youngest in the school nursery, and move the older two there.
Have them in one place.

What is the SEND like at what would be the new school?

I can't believe and feel for you doing that school run. I know they aren't fun but that's a lot!

Yeah I know, I used to work next to the private nursery so it wasn't so bad and have more help from family doing some drop offs and pick ups, but this year it's basically destroying me. I'm self employed now and my business is failing as I'm just drained. Also instead of managing my DC SENDs they just ask me to pick them up. Say their sick when really their sad, angry, tired etc.

Both schools are a combination of good and needs improvement on ofsted, but the new one the ofsted actually says how amazing the SENCO is and support is there. I am worried about moving eldest DC as any change can be triggering, but equally after the adjustment period they may be happier and better supported.
I have to go for it really don't I? I'm scared of rocking the boat a bit, but the prospect of all my DC in one place, one school run only, either on bus or foot. It feels like it could bring us so much peace.

Maybe I'm just being a coward and it's obvious what needs doing?

I've just emailed the nursery email asking what sessions they have available. That's a start at least!

Your mornings would be a lot less stressful which I think would then feed off onto the kids.
Good starting point contacting nursery.
I would ring or email main school and have a chat with them.
Explain your concerns where they are, what they need etc. Get a feel of the place.

Understand change can be triggering but if it will benefit him once he's settled and the right support in place, you know you will have made the right choice.

How on earth are your children coping with such long travel times, no wonder they are having meltdowns.

This would be a no brainer to me. Move them all to the same school. Especially if the one the dc are attending is letting them down anyway. Honestly I am surprised you posted. Get them all moved ASAP and see their behaviour and happiness improve over night.

The older two don't have much time travelling, but they do have to go to the breakfast club early, and they do have my stress like if we don't get there on time, I'll be late for the bus to get the preschooler to nursery and then that can cost me an hour extra on the bus (some days if they've been late i have just kept the preschooler home because by the time I drop off and come home I'm turning back round to collect, again this means now Ive started paying for longer hours and even then sometimes not using the session, the wasted money and time breaks my heart).
Then I'm trying to work on my phone on the bus (yes seriously) make calls whilst I'm walking down the road or waiting at the bus stop. It must be rubbing off on them how stressed I am. I have started getting loads of minor health issues just colds I can't get rid of things like that, and I'm sure it's stress. Eldest doesn't say 'wow your stressed mum' and won't know why things feel a certain way, just reacts by meltdowns, refusing to get ready for school. Though why go to school just to get hit and picked on? I'm not sure it will necessarily help that much for DC1 it's hard to tell, but if it's the right thing for the younger ones and for me and makes better sense logistically I guess I only have the illusion of choice. I have what's going on which is a disaster, and a change which may or may not work but at least makes sense on paper!

I'm worried about what their school will think, I don't know why when I can see they are have consistently not supported my Dc or my family. They actually set me back a long way with DC1 diagnosis. It's been a battle from the beginning, and yet everywhere else it's so obvious to everyone else (and to me and the rest of our family too!)

Youngest naps all the way to nursery, and naps all the way home so he's got that sorted 😂
Of course then he won't sleep at night which makes the mornings harder. Can't believe I've stuck with it as long as I have writing it down. They are an amazing nursery and they were brilliant with DC2, so I do have a loyalty to them but it's a loyalty I can't afford in money, stress or time anymore so I'm happy to cut my loses there

Losses*

You can't carry on like this. It is not sustainable in any shape or form.

And totally unfair to your children. Please pause - your children just need a healthy, relaxed parent not one close to total burn out.

What if you break a leg or need major surgery?

Who cares what the school thinks you need to do what is best for you and the children. I have a long school commute, but nothing like yours. You must be permanently exhausted.

I'm worried about what their school will think, I don't know why when I can see they are have consistently not supported my Dc or my family

You've answered this yourself in the same sentence.
They arent supporting any of you, don't give a shit what they think.

My son has SEN, moving his school would be really hard for him to cope with. I get the worry on how they'd cope, how they'd react. It doesn't sound like any good reason to stay, beyond worry about how your eldest would cope with the change.

I'd change them all to the one school, but prepare your eldest for the change, social story, see if they can meet new teacher briefly and see their classroom before the first day, have a look at the school, see where everything is, even if just from the outside or a wander round on a weekend. I don't know about UK schools, a lot where I am aren't closed off with fences so you can wander round the outside of the buildings.

I do feel like through the battle with school regarding SEN diagnosis and support, and because I became a single parent had to move, and stuff around work I just have lost confidence in myself.

So thank you everyone who's replied. I think seeing it all here in black and white there really is only one course of action I can take.

You need them to move schools

1. it’s impacting your work
2. at least one child is unhappy and not reaching their potential
3. it’s impacting your health

No choice really. As another poster said”you can’t go on like this”

The downsides are

The change and transition, especially with DC1. Although there are strategies to minimise how bad that is. Some great suggestions on some strategies @LunaAndHerMoonDragons thank you 😊

No after school provision. The site is shut at 3pm and that's it folks! I'm used to being able to use wrap around care and longer hours at nursery when I need them, both the after school club and nursery have been amazing at letting me get extra sessions at Short notice which has enabled me to take some courses and occasionally extra work as Well. I will miss that flexibility (however cutting school run from 4 hours for 2 round trips to 40 mins bus or 1 hr 20 for 2 round trips would be pretty amazing!) Irrelevant if I'm too tired and stressed to use this though.

It's a known quantity, I do have fear of the unknown a bit.

Not a lot really. I think I just need to have faith that if I want some childcare after school later on I'll find a solution then, but that in all likelihood this is going to work so much better for the here and now.

Just got to get it organised now. The school nursery definitely have places in September but it says they have limited availability right now, which is why I've asked what sessions they have.

Tbh whatever they say I'll probably do it to get some of my life back! I am really amazed with Myself I've let it go on this long especially since the buses have been so awful. I wish I was exaggerating but I have timed it. One day I left the house at 7.30am and go back home at 10.15am. I literally came home and cried, had a coffee, reapplied my makeup and turned around to do the lunch time pick up as only a half day session. And was then 15 minutes late for pick up. Thankfully they didn't charge me a late fee, but needless to say I did no work that day and had to stay up until 1am playing catch up that night

The no after school provision isn't great, but it really doesn't sound like the current arrangements are sustainable. Can you see yourself going on like this for another couple if years? Getting your DC to school and childcare shouldn't be making you exhausted, or make you cry. The impact it's having on you is probably a big part of why you've stayed with it. When you're exhausted it's easier day by day to do what's in front of you and put off things even if they might help because you're using everything you have to cope with the status quo.

Yes that's it completely @LunaAndHerMoonDragons I'm so busy trying to 'put out fires' that I lose perspective.
There is no perfect solution, unfortunately. But that doesn't mean there isn't a better one.
I don't really factor my mental health into it, when in reality if my mental health goes then everything goes to hell. The current status quo is sending me over the edge. And my DC are picking up on my stress.
Time for a change.

No shame in doing what's going to be easiest for your family.