Undermining DH

[User62829363]

DH owns a business that we set up together. We are both partners but DH holds the majority percentage and has always been the managing partner. I have actually mainly been a sort of "sleeping partner" as I've mainly been at home wit our DC.

I have recently started working with him in the office again.

I've realised I don't like the way he is sometimes with our employees. Not to the extent of being a bully or anything but sometimes I really disagree with his management / the things he has a problem with and how he handles them. He's definitely the kind of boss you'd be worried about telling you'd made a mistake if that makes sense?

There was an issue with an employee a few days ago, DH has spoken to me about this person before and some issues he's had with them / their work. It was the first time though that I'd actually been there in the office and witnessed a problem and I didn't like the way H was handling the situation and speaking to this person. He just sounded condescending / patronising and angry.

I told him in front of staff member to stop and asked if they were okay / what the issue was and apologised for the way DH had spoken.

DH is mad because I undermined him in front of staff. Imo regardless as to him being the managing partner and majority owner, I still own this business as well and he isn't my boss and I feel I am also entitled to handle issues with staff as and when I see them.

I appreciate that I maybe should have waited until we were alone but I wanted to stop the situation from escalating and I'm not one to hold off telling DH if I don't agree with him.

Was I unreasonable?

Yes you were. You could have asked to speak to him urgently to get him away to speak to him about it. And much as he sounds awful to work for, you should not have undermined his authority like that.

If I was him I'd be furious.

I think you were only a wee bit U. You shouldn't imo interrupted your husband and comforted the employee as that kinda makes H look like a bit of a muppet. Similarly he shouldn't have been chastising this employee in front of the whole office either

I think you could have handled things in a better way, yes.

You should have called him away for an urgent chat. But it's done now. So now you deal with what to do going forward.

His management style isnt OK. These are employees. Adults. He doesnt get to speak to them like that. It is time for a serious chat about how you will deal with employees. I strongly recommend a management course. He really needs to watch it because one day he is going to be sued for creating a hostile environment.

I told him in front of staff member to stop and asked if they were okay / what the issue was and apologised for the way DH had spoken.

Totally unacceptable and totally unprofessional. I'm dumbfounded you thought this was the way to handle this situation. Your husband isn't right either, but what you did was massively inappropriate.

I told him in front of staff member to stop and asked if they were okay / what the issue was and apologised for the way DH had spoken.

Extremely unprofessional to have done that in front of an employee. I'd be fuming if I was either of them, especially the employee. Who wants to get caught up on a domestic when you're just trying to do your job?

Have either of you had any kind of management training? Because it sounds like you both need it urgently.

While you were entirely right I don't think the way you handled it was very professional. I can't imagine working for someone whose husband has a go and then the wife steps in and says he's wrong. I'd feel like I was in the middle of something and be very uncomfortable. All that said I'm the same as you and wouldn't have been able to hold myself back.

I think though you need to agree that he will change his attitude or that you will handle staff issues in future while he takes on more of a different role if that's possible. You need to sort it out for the saek of your employees and your business. He sounds either very stressed or a bit of a dick, not sure which it is.

I told him in front of staff member to stop and asked if they were okay / what the issue was and apologised for the way DH had spoken.

Well you totally undermined him, and YABU.

If you don't like his style that's something to raise with him, in private. As you've said you've been a sleeping partner at home and now coming into the business, I think it's inappropriate that you did that.

He just sounded condescending / patronising and angry - well if he's had multiple problems with the same person doing the same things, it can be very frustrating!

Imo regardless as to him being the managing partner and majority owner, I still own this business as well and he isn't my boss and I feel I am also entitled to handle issues with staff as and when I see them.

Handling issues with staff as and when you see them isn't what you did - you stopped him from doing that. How would you be perceived if you were trying to deal with something and he stepped in and apologised for your behaviour? It would undermine you completely.

I appreciate that I maybe should have waited until we were alone but I wanted to stop the situation from escalating and I'm not one to hold off telling DH if I don't agree with him

In this situation he's not your "DH" and you shouldn't treat it as if he is, he's a colleague. It's not the same at all!

Business owner here. His management style is unacceptable and your handling of the situation was completely cack handed. This should have been discussed in private.

Yes you were. You might not like his style but showing employees you're not on the same page and arguing about approach infront of them is really unprofessional

You were right to raise it but not in that manner. I'd have said something like let's all take a breather and get together in a separate meeting to discuss this, or told him you wanted an urgent meeting and then agree on a joint approach

Yes yabu. Uiu have only just gone back and undermining him.

To be honest, he may not be a boss I would want. But neither are you. Totally unprofessional and you both look like you don't know how to handle a situation.

No one wants to work for a couple that can't work together.

I don’t think either of you seem very well placed to being anyones managers tbh. You were completely unprofessional, undermined your husband and caught an employee in the middle of a very awkward situation just to round it all off.

No one wants to work for a couple that can't work together.

Yes this, a million times over. My DS used to work for a warring couple and it made his life hell until he ended up leaving.

You both need training. And a united front you can both live with. You don't have to agree with his style but how you handle that should be planned rather than ad hoc.

Of course yabu and very unprofessional and frankly if you don't already know that you need a new job.

Both of you need some training in managing staff and you need a very urgent meeting about working together.

YABU to do it Infront of staff. I guarantee you that will be gossiping about it and it will have lost you both respect.

Totally unreasonable and unprofessional.

I really can't believe you thought it was okay to speak to him like that in front of your staff.

The way you spoke to him is as unprofessional as how is spoke to the staff member.

You are correct in wanting to address it but definitely went about it completely wrong.

I would apologise but also discuss the actual issue with your husband. Privately.

Of course Yabvu. Could you not have spoken to him in private?!

As others have mentioned, you would both benefit ( as would your poor , confused employees ) from some management training.