AIBU to be unnerved by estranged parent.

[aunthilda78]

I'm 35 and haven't seen my father in 30 years. We had stilted contact (writing letters was a condition of him paying my mum maintenance on time) but when I got engaged 10 years ago and bought a house with my partner he completely cut contact. I personally think he always had some kind of financial control over my life and didn't like me telling him I had bought a home.

I have quite a public online persona. I recently had a bit of a health issue and had mentioned it in passing online to a friend on Twitter but it was vague and part of a conversation thread.

I haven't changed my email address since I was 14 and about 4 hours after sending this message to a friend, I get an email from my father with the subject heading "?" and just one line "feeling better yet? x"

I have completely freaked out but my DH doesn't see a problem. He's pointed out that I have often complained about my F being uninterested and uninvolved in my life.

AIBU to think his method of contact after a decade of silence and 20 years of disinterest is creepy AF??

Not sure why it’s the method of contact that’s creeping you out? I think it was always likely that he would pop up again at some point. The decision now is how you deal with it. Clearly you’ve done ok and you’re happy without him in your life. Easiest to just ignore and delete.

There’s a risk (high) that if you rise to the bait it’ll be you who ends up hurt again, getting hopes up when he’ll just disappear again.

I get it - it’s not so much the email, but the content, right? It’s creepy because it feels like he’s stalking you and it’s overly intimate for someone you hardly know.

If he’s not been on your life and you’ve not missed him, I’d ignore. If he really wants a relationship he’ll appear again to give you another chance to think about it.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

Not sure why it’s the method of contact that’s creeping you out? I think it was always likely that he would pop up again at some point. The decision now is how you deal with it. Clearly you’ve done ok and you’re happy without him in your life. Easiest to just ignore and delete.

There’s a risk (high) that if you rise to the bait it’ll be you who ends up hurt again, getting hopes up when he’ll just disappear again.

It's creeped me out because I assumed having no contact with me he wasn't closely monitoring my online activity.

@MartinMartinMarti

I get it - it’s not so much the email, but the content, right? It’s creepy because it feels like he’s stalking you and it’s overly intimate for someone you hardly know.

If he’s not been on your life and you’ve not missed him, I’d ignore. If he really wants a relationship he’ll appear again to give you another chance to think about it.

Yes, I had no idea he was monitoring me online and it's as if we're frequently sending casual emails back and forth which we definitely aren't.

While I've expressed before that I do feel I've missed out on a father in my life, I have no interest in this particular man.

I'd be creeped out, only from the angle that after so long of no contact your twitter is being watched! Especially as part of a conversation thread.

You can block emails I'm sure if you wanted to go down that route OP.

Yanbu

Honestly, YAB a bit U. If you are putting info out there on social media then anyone can read it, so not really so surprising that he has. You dont have to respond to him.

@Porcupineintherough

Honestly, YAB a bit U. If you are putting info out there on social media then anyone can read it, so not really so surprising that he has. You dont have to respond to him.

You think it's reasonable to refuse to see your child for 30 years, speak to them at all for 10 but watch their every move online?

YANBU at all. It’s thoroughly creepy that he would be monitoring your online activity that closely and that he would contact you as if you speak every week, after 10 years of no contact.

YANBU. The message is creepy and horrible. It reads like he wants you to know he is watching.

@aunthilda78 I think it's very common. And therefore not really surprising no. I dont think his behaviour is reasonable full stop, but I'm surprised you are surprised.

OP no need to have a go at @Porcupineintherough.

I was told years ago if you put stuff online absolutely anyone can be following you.

The fact that your father is unhinged means you need to decide how much information you want to put about yourself in the public domain.

Meanwhile just block abd ignore your father.

Honestly, YAB a bit U. If you are putting info out there on social media then anyone can read it, so not really so surprising that he has. You dont have to respond to him.

I agree.

I don’t think it’s creepy at all but I would expect a better message than what he sent. He surely needed to have apologised/given a reason.

You think it's reasonable to refuse to see your child for 30 years, speak to them at all for 10 but watch their every move online?

But surely that is one of the side effects of having a "public online persona"? You have no control who follows you or sees what you have posted? As others have said, you don't have to respond to him and I suppose, if it bothers you that much, you could block him?

HNRTT but what has he done that must be explained by constant monitoring instead of just having recently searched?

Arguably email is an unthreatening medium as it's asynchronous so less pressure to respond than a call. Focusing on the now rather than rehashing the past might again be less threatening.

On the face of it if your DP has said you were unhappy that he hadn't been in touch then this looks a positive of sorts?

Perhaps another way of trying to look at it objectively would be to ask yourself what message and medium would you have decided was acceptable and how someone would reasonably know that would have been your preferred approach if they didn't know you well after a 30 year gap?

I can definitely see why you think it's creepy. Apart from anything else, it's incredibly rude! Thev? As a subject and no opening. He sounds like an entitled idiot.

You think it's reasonable to refuse to see your child for 30 years, speak to them at all for 10 but watch their every move online?

I do yes, because what you do online isn't a secret. In fact it's the opposite, you are using it to publicise yourself. Twitter in particular is for public discourse. So you can't be surprised that people are looking at it. I don't know about your particular relationship, but from his point of view, maybe he sees it as you estranged from him, and this is his way of making sure you're ok.

@Zilla1

Perhaps another way of trying to look at it objectively would be to ask yourself what message and medium would you have decided was acceptable and how someone would reasonably know that would have been your preferred approach if they didn't know you well after a 30 year gap?

I don't think email is an unacceptable form of communication but the way he's done it without a greeting, without a sign off and without any acknowledgement of cutting contact 10 years ago is bizarre.

I think what's really thrown me is the speed of the email after the comment. It might just be a coincidence that he happened to search me after sending my friend that message (which would only come up if you're searching every mention in my @ ) and contact a few hours later but it has me thinking more along the lines that he's been watching for a while.

@KrisAkabusi

You think it's reasonable to refuse to see your child for 30 years, speak to them at all for 10 but watch their every move online?

I do yes, because what you do online isn't a secret. In fact it's the opposite, you are using it to publicise yourself. Twitter in particular is for public discourse. So you can't be surprised that people are looking at it. I don't know about your particular relationship, but from his point of view, maybe he sees it as you estranged from him, and this is his way of making sure you're ok.

My parents separated when I was 3 and he made two visits to see me after that. When I was 5 he said he would continue to pay child support but he 'had no interest in visits'. It was him that cut contact completely when I got engaged. Our communication was very strained (an email maybe every 6 months and birthday cards) but he completely cut it off.

I assume my estranged mother is doing similarly, and it does creep me out. I've pulled back on my online presence as I result.

@QuiteAtALoss

I assume my estranged mother is doing similarly, and it does creep me out. I've pulled back on my online presence as I result.

I have never used my DC names on public social media and never put pictures of them up. But yes I'm finding myself pulling back a bit which I don't like as I get a lot of support/friendship on Twitter.

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

YANBU. The message is creepy and horrible. It reads like he wants you to know he is watching.

This. I am 20 years estranged from a mother who would absolutely do this to rattle me (or one of my other siblings, also long-term estranged from her).

It's a deliberate intrusion, and a way of saying "I know all about you - you can't keep me out forever".

I would block him on everything, change your email address and try to forget about it. I know it's horrible, but I haven't found a better way.