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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I bring my partner?

18 replies

MummyC2521 · 03/02/2022 13:47

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant with my third. Due to my DD2 getting stuck at the shoulder for a couple minutes I'm having to have a consultant meeting at 20 weeks. From what I've looked up it'll be to discuss birthing plans, such as elective caesarean, being induced early etc. Having been on gas and air for a while, and pushing for a long time, I don't exactly remember all the details clearly about what happened, which I know will more than likely be asked of me. My partner was there and saw everything a lot clearer than me. The issue I'm having is the letter does not mention bringing a visitor with me. In fact on the second page it clearly states if it is not stated that I can bring someone, then I shouldn't. Would I be in the wrong if I brought my partner along with me anyway? I'm already nervous about this meeting, and have read I'm going to have to make pretty important decisions. I don't feel like I will be able to make these kind of decisions on my own, without my partners support as well. I also feel like a lot of information will be given that I do not feel like with my nervousness I will remember, and then have to relay to my partner after as he will want to be informed of these things. Does anyone feel like I should be able to bring him along with me as support? Thanks in advance for any opinions.

OP posts:

Chely · 03/02/2022 13:55

If the letter says no they will turn him away.
It's just a discussion of options at that stage, things are unlikely to be booked in before the 36 week mark. Ask them if he can attend the later apps when you attend this one.

3scape · 03/02/2022 13:55

Can you phone and ask if your partner is there because you are overwhelmed by the idea of making a decision?

Kbyodjs · 03/02/2022 13:59

I would phone and ask; if they say no then you could always go to the appointment and say that you’d like to call your partner and put them on speaker phone to be part of the appointment. I did that with an appointment and they were fine about it.
Also you don’t need to make decisions there and then; even if they push you to then you still say you need some time to think and talk to your partner

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/02/2022 14:01

They won’t let him in.

Can you not just talk to your partner and get him to tell you what he remembers before your app?
Either that or call him and put him on speaker in the appointment

WannaBeMonica · 03/02/2022 14:02

Could you call him during the appointment and have him on speakerphone?

Original poster

MummyC2521 · 03/02/2022 14:03

Its just I've read from someone else that they turned down the elective CS at the 20 week meeting and were told they would be unable to change the decision, which obviously is worrying as its not the kind of thing I want to only have a half an hour meeting to decide, with no one to discuss it with other than the health professional. Obviously they are giving me the options from their point of view, but it's my partner who will then have to take care of the 2 kids for the days I'll be in hospital after if I do go with the CS. And the risks to the baby if induced early, he should also be able to help me make a decision on his child. And I guess I can ring in advance, but the number listed is just for the general maternity services, who will probably just tell me to refer to the letter rather than contact the consultant themselves.

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/02/2022 14:07

Where are you? Are you in the London area?
I ask as I am in London and was given an elective c section NO problem which is fairly standard here

Original poster

MummyC2521 · 03/02/2022 14:11

No, I'm in the Worcestershire area, and my local hospital has no maternity services. The nearest hospitals with maternity services are both around an hour away with no traffic, so the maternity wards tend to be quite full at most times as all the locals, plus a lot of non-locals all have to go there for labour.

OP posts:

GailTheSnail · 03/02/2022 14:11

I get where you're coming from. I had the same appointment when pregnant with my second child after a difficult birth with my first. I really felt like i wanted my partner there and pre covid so there was no issue with that. Would you consider a zoom appointment? They should be able to do that.
I hope it goes well. The consultant i met with was lovely, senstive and super supportive of what i wanted.

kitkatsky · 03/02/2022 14:16

I'm sorry. It really sucks that appointments have to be attended alone, but they're really unlikely to allow him to attend I'm afraid. I had a meeting this time last year at 38 weeks about a birth plan and had my partner on speaker phone which worked ok for us

RegardingMary · 03/02/2022 14:41

Any decision you do or don't chose to make is binding.

At any time you can change your mind.

Listen to what the consultant has to say, do your own research, ask for their research. Talk about causes of shoulder dystocia and why if likely happened in your case, talk about what options you have (all of them, some more risky) and then say... 'well you've given me plenty to think about and discuss with my husband' and leave.

RegardingMary · 03/02/2022 14:42

That should say is NOT binding.

londonrach · 03/02/2022 14:44

They won't let him in in my local hospital due to covid restrictions but phone and double check

Original poster

MummyC2521 · 03/02/2022 14:51

DD2 was born a month into first lockdown and my partner was unable to be with me during early labour, and was only allowed in when I was already 10cm dilated, which already caused upset for me at having to be alone for that. The thought of him not being able to be with me for this is making me consider just cancelling the appointment all together, which I know is a completely ridiculous reaction, but I am honestly so anxious. I'm just going to have to spend the next 8 weeks talking myself into it, as I know it's not something to take lightly and not attend. I'll just make sure to ask to take notes, or record the meeting in some way for me to go back to, and ask for some time to make a final decision, as I won't be able to do it at that moment. Thanks for everyone's advice and kind words, thank you.

OP posts:

GailTheSnail · 03/02/2022 15:02

Also I dont know if it will help but i asked for the notes from my first childs birth when i was pregnant with the second and deciding what to do. I wasnt the most lucid either and it helped me make sense of it a little better and also helped me make decisions about what i wanted to do next time x

Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 15:06

If you’re worried about not remembering important info that will be given at this appointment, ask if you can record it on your phone. Tell the consultant why and they will probably agree.

Spinnier · 03/02/2022 15:12

I think it's worth a go ringing in advance. I would say you need him because he remembers bits you don't, rather than bringing up the emotional support. Keep it "clinical", say need not want.

And on a practical level, if it's not possible for him to come maybe he could give you a full debrief beforehand. Write notes, literally, so you are arming yourself with all the info you need.

I'm so sorry that this is even a question, and that you had to labour without him last time.

Spinnier · 03/02/2022 15:14

Just a thought, when your appt comes round in a couple of months, it'll be after the March COVID relaxation so you may well find things are a bit less restrictive.

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