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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year age gap?

26 replies

Musereader · 03/02/2022 10:59

24 year old with 37 year old? Heterosexual relationship, met about 4 years ago (casual acquaintance via sibling friendship) but have just started a relationship.

Does it make a difference which one is younger? Does it make a difference which one chased who?

OP posts:
slashlover · 03/02/2022 11:07

What about it? Both are adults, unless one is in a position of power - former teacher/therapist/etc.

Kitkat151 · 03/02/2022 11:22

13 years would be too much for me.....I’m 57....so that would make a partner 70 for me......or 43🙄.....no I wouldn’t like it

Sirzy · 03/02/2022 11:24

Are both parties happy? Are both consenting? If so it’s nothing to do with anyone else

Brainwave89 · 03/02/2022 11:24

DH is ten years younger than me. Be clear there are issues in relationships where age differences exist- you will be at different career stages, and you will have different life experiences. However, our relationship has been on the whole great and I would not swap it. There is a risk that such relationships can be exploitative- notably in education situations or at work, but it does depend on the circumstances.

Original poster
Musereader · 03/02/2022 11:26

My birthday is next week and he has just told me how old he is, I didn't actually know before, but it has only been just over a month.

I was honestly surprised at the age gap because he is not the same age as my brother that he was friends with, I thought he was 5 years closer and he thought I was at least 5 years closer too, so we knew there was an age gap, but we both thought it was less than 10 years

But with the general attitude towards large age gaps, re: Boris and Carrie, being a bit negative, was just wondering what the general opinion would be on my relationship given the gap.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 03/02/2022 11:26

DH is 11 years older than me. He’s 71 and I am 60. We’ve been married 32 years and very happy.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 03/02/2022 11:26

I’d think that whichever way round, they are at different life stages and unlikely to be looking for the same things in a relationship, which is a recipe for disaster. Even when I was 24, I found men the same age incredibly immature by my standards and they certainly weren’t looking for the sort of life which I was at 37. There’s also bound to be financial inequity - by 37 you’re usually doing a lot better than at 24 - and so there’s the temptation or nuisance, however you look at it, to pay for more as the older partner.

It wouldn’t be for me.

bootswind · 03/02/2022 11:34

I'm 24 (F) and with a man who is 35, happy to chat in private messages if you want Smile It completely depends on your situation (jobs, family)

Original poster
Musereader · 03/02/2022 11:35

I just have had a negative opinion of realtionships with age gaps over 10 years, and am floored to find myself in one.

We thought we were 28 and 32 but turns out we were both way out.

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 03/02/2022 11:43

There's 12/13 years between me and my OH, and I actually get along better with him than I did when I was seeing ex's around my own age. We appreciate the same things in life and I've really not noticed the gap. That being said, I'm 34 and he's older, we both have children from previous, so for me there was no issue of wanting to become a mum (again) and him wanting to become a dad (again). Sometimes a gap in younger partners may have a few more issues than those who are older due to maybe wanting kids, some don't want to be older parents.

Xpxa · 03/02/2022 11:46

i think if you're both happy then age is just a number, just speak about long term plans I.e if you want children, buy a house, holidays etc.. if you're both on the same page and love one another other peoples opinions shouldn't matter as you are both adults. It's be different if you was saying a 16 year old with 33 year old etc etc. X

cereallover · 03/02/2022 11:52

Dh is 26 this year. I'll be 37 this year. Been together almost 3 years and will be married for 2 this year.

Original poster
Musereader · 03/02/2022 12:02

He is friends with my brother who still lives at home with our parents. My mum looks after my DD who is 5 so we both frequently saw each other at my parents house. So he was fully aware of my child, actually is one of my brothers friends she is fond of because he will share pringles and sweets with her (she has taken right against some of brothers other friends)

I'm just not sure because I don't want children past 40 so have only 2 years to have more, but he has just shrugged and said we will think about that in a year or so.

OP posts:
slashlover · 03/02/2022 12:06

Are you sure he even wants kids? Not everyone does.

Original poster
Musereader · 03/02/2022 12:09

Other thing is, my mum and elder brother (not the brother who was his friend) are very unhappy with the relationship, his age is a mark against him and they would like me to find someone more age appropriate. I was ignoring them because he seems to really want a family, but finding out exactly how old he is has thrown me off balance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Musereader · 03/02/2022 12:14

He adores DD and is a frequent babysitter for his sisters kids so it seems like he would want kids but when I ask he just shrugs and says this (me and DD) is enough if he does not have any kids of his own.

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 03/02/2022 12:20

Well it’s easy for him to say he’ll think about it in a year or so isn’t it? He’s got all the time in the world. You haven’t. So you’re taking a risk. Although two years isn’t long to find someone else and get to know them well enough to know they would make a good father, so I guess that’s also a risk!

I have a few friends/family with large age gaps, and they’ve generally been happy and free of issues until the older partner reaches about seventy, and health issues start to hit and the older partner is less energetic and able to do the things the younger partner would like to. This has sadly ended two of those relationships.

UnconditionalSurrender · 03/02/2022 12:22

I seem to have more than a few friends who have big relationship gaps. Where the woman is older and the man is younger a couple of those relationships are failing now the man is mid 50s and the woman is nearly 70. The men want to be young and the women don't fit with that image. Its not even that they are looking for super young women. Those relationships I would've thought were fairly rock solid so its a surprise.
Relationships where the man is older generally are great in my experience.

incognitoforthisone · 03/02/2022 12:24

I wouldn't even blink at a 13-year age gap between two adults. It's more about whether you're at the same 'life stage' really. I bet if he was the older one, nobody would say anything.

But that's just me, of course - everyone has their own idea of what does or doesn't feel right.

I do think that 'we'll think about that in a year or two' isn't really enough when it comes to the discussion about children, though. If it transpires that having kids is a deal-breaker for him, it could hurt a lot more to break up in a year's time than it will now. And if in a year's time he says he wants to try for a baby with you, you could potentially feel under a lot of pressure to conceive quickly - and that doesn't always happen, even to women who have conceived straight away before. So if you do both see a future in the relationship, he can't bury his head in the sand about that.

incognitoforthisone · 03/02/2022 12:25

Just seen your update - if he genuinely isn't bothered about having kids of his own and is happy to be a lovely stepdad to your DD, then I say crack on.

pombears22 · 03/02/2022 12:45

wait - he is 24 and you are 37. Surely and realistically he is most likely to want kids in 5-10 years i.e. UK average which would be too old for you. Perhaps this isnt the case but it would not be unrealistic for a 24 year old to say yes I would like kids in the future or no I wont - but essentially not really figure it out till they hit say 30. This sort of age gap isnt usually a problem if its a younger woman because she will have the 5-10 years to think about things and a lot more blokes a happy to have a kid in their mid/late 40s. But this doesnt seem to be the case here

Blueuggboots · 03/02/2022 13:18

My DH was 11 years older than me. We got together when I was 27. To start with, it didn't bother me and I liked the fact he was older.
However, as we were together longer, it started to grate on me. He was an old person in his mind - I wanted adventure abc travelling, he wanted to stay at home and maybe buy a caravan. It may not have been entirely the age gap, but I don't think it helped.

Tootsey11 · 03/02/2022 13:23

12.5 years between me and Dp. I'm the younger and more mature. It depends on the people involved.

tintodeverano2 · 03/02/2022 13:28

When you're older the age gap seems less, if you know what I mean? My dp is 10 years older than me, but at 40 and 50 it's not as bad as a 15 and 25 year old. I went out with someone twenty years older than me when I was 19, but like you I didn't know how old he was, and he thought I was older too. We hadn't mentioned age, but when I found out I wasn't happy. Luckily, I found out before things moved on to the having sex part, as that would've been creepy.

If you're happy and he's happy then go for it.

Gardeningcreature · 03/02/2022 13:31

I have a few friends with age gaps, not as big as this one mind. Most of them the woman is older than the man.
Speaking personally I would not be with a much older man for purely selfish reasons. Men tend to age far worse than women, due younger and I absolutely would not want to be stuck caring for an ‘old man’ in later life.
My job brings me into contact with many widows who sadly will have to see out their twilight years alone and Ill with nobody to give them the care and love they gave to their much older partners.
I would however consider a younger man, purely for selfish reasons!!