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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not care about your parenting choices

31 replies

ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 02/02/2022 20:46

If I'm at the play park or soft play or some other tedious time sink of boredom and you're feeling lonely I don't mind a chat. But please be aware I'm completely uninvested. I'm not judging you for letting Oscar watch TV or letting Lucy have chocolate buttons. You really don't need to justify it to me in any way whatsoever. Because I really couldn't give a monkey's, I'm probably just wishing I didn't have to be in the play park today. I'm just here to stop mine getting kidnapped tbh.

I'll be sympathetic to your problems you tell me about, I'm happy to hear your funny stories about your children, I even don't mind you telling me the long story about how you chose Dudalirabel's name. But I can't stand hearing you do mental gymnastics to justify things that don't need justifying to a complete stranger you're never going to see again.

Let them watch teletubbies for 10 hours with 10 bags of haribo and 10 happy meals for all I care. I wouldn't have even known if you hadn't started telling me. Why are you telling me? The martyring competitive guilt is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. I'm not a priest, you're not at confession.

Is there a secret handshake I can initiate to get out of these conversations? "we don't want Jasper to eat sweets but we lost the broccoli, so you know how it is..." "we don't watch TV but our books are broken and we haven't got round to mending them..." Unless you tell me you're sending your kid to the workhouse I probably don't have an opinion. Honestly.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 02/02/2022 20:56

I mean… I don’t care that you don’t care. That do? I think I experienced the level of tedium you are talking about, just reading this post. Also - I have no idea what you are on about.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 21:01
Grin

If you could be arsed you could just make shit up about your vile parenting

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 02/02/2022 21:02

Well it’s great that you’re not judgemental but those who are don’t walk around with a sign on their head so people have no way of knowing and are so used to being judged that it’s an automatic thing.
I couldn’t care less what anyone apart from my closest think about my parenting but it’s taken me a long time to get here. When my first was a baby I used to get the bitchiest comments and it took a while not to let it effect me.

Original poster
ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 02/02/2022 21:08

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Well it’s great that you’re not judgemental but those who are don’t walk around with a sign on their head so people have no way of knowing and are so used to being judged that it’s an automatic thing. I couldn’t care less what anyone apart from my closest think about my parenting but it’s taken me a long time to get here. When my first was a baby I used to get the bitchiest comments and it took a while not to let it effect me.
I'm really sorry and hate that you felt this way. I'm glad you don't feel like it now and I hope more people let it go too. I wish there was a way I could let people know that I'm not judging. Conversations are so much more enjoyable when people are comfortable and able to be themselves.
OP posts:
Original poster
ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 02/02/2022 21:10

@Luredbyapomegranate

Grin

If you could be arsed you could just make shit up about your vile parenting

That might make it more fun, see where I place in the guiltlympics.
OP posts:
Momicrone · 02/02/2022 21:11

This does not resonate with me at all, I am an ace parent

Original poster
ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 02/02/2022 21:12

@Holly60

I mean… I don’t care that you don’t care. That do? I think I experienced the level of tedium you are talking about, just reading this post. Also - I have no idea what you are on about.
At least you could click out without replying nobody would have known. If I stare into the distance not replying they'll think I'm having a bad turn.
OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 02/02/2022 21:14

I think I experienced the level of tedium you are talking about, just reading this post.

😂

I have a certainly amount of sympathy with the OP, but equally don't know what she wants out of this thread. She doesn't care, that's super, now what?

Yotrotro · 02/02/2022 21:14

Grin I know exactly the conversations you mean!

I've actually made a few new mates through responding to this sort of shite with "ah fuckit, screen time and all technology is supposed to be limited,yet it's all they are going to know by the time they are adults so we're probably just holding them back" or if comments relating to food, talking about the absolute shite food previous generations ate and nobody batted an eyelid, turkey twizzlers anyone? Gives the hint I'm not going to judge and genuinely, people then let their guard down.

Sad state of affairs that so many mums feel the need to do this!

legalseagull · 02/02/2022 21:14

The irony of saying you're not judgemental, whilst being judgemental Grin

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 02/02/2022 21:15

Some people justify themselves to strangers because they don't want an unwarranted bitchy comment or competitive 'oh, I don't know about CBeebies we don't own a tv' with a smug arse expression

underneaththeash · 02/02/2022 21:15

Are they telling you this though because your child is badly behaved or looks unwell?

MarshaBradyo · 02/02/2022 21:17

@Holly60

I mean… I don’t care that you don’t care. That do? I think I experienced the level of tedium you are talking about, just reading this post. Also - I have no idea what you are on about.
Ha yep
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 21:18

It’s just chit chat. Everyone’s doing their best but “I know I could do better” is short hand for “I’m normal and you won’t find me to be a pretentious dick”.

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 02/02/2022 21:22

No secret handshake that I’m aware of op. However I’ve found feigning absolute disgust at the ridiculous competitive parenting comments, (disguised as the “oh I’m such a failure” things) usually does the trick. “ Sorry, you said you allowed little Tarquin to glance at peppa pig for 10 whole seconds whilst you were attempting to download the latest how to be a perfect parent podcast? Dreadful! He’ll be scared for life! May I suggest you read nothing but the guardian newspaper or an encyclopaedia for the following 6 months together, to make up for your slovenly parenting lapse.”
In all seriousness though, I often find (particularly) mums are so stressed and attempting to do their absolute best at all times sometimes it’s a case of grab another mum ear at the park maybe, to reassure me I’m not a shitty parent for doing x y or x (x y and z usually being totally normal things that all parents do!)

thistimelastweek · 02/02/2022 21:25

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow If I were thirty years younger I'd ask you to be my friend.

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/02/2022 21:28

All parents need to vent to actually justify to their younger pre-child selves that the reason they are doing something with/for thie kids that they swore they would never do before they had kids is now only happening because of XYZ reason.
I justify my dds tablet time to myself all the time. Its because younger me would never allow my child to ever have screens (yep I was a dick)
You're just a person to say it out loud to lol

YahBooFucks · 02/02/2022 21:32

I think when people do this they are fishing for reassurance, though. They aren't apologising in advance for your potential judgement necessarily, just hoping you might make them feel better by validating their supposed crapness by mirroring it with your own.

TheKeatingFive · 02/02/2022 21:34

just hoping you might make them feel better by validating their supposed crapness by mirroring it with your own.

Well the op isn't playing ball with that one. Sorry 😂

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 21:43

My husband once told a boring guy at a boring party that he was a taxidermist and hilarity ensued.

Perhaps you could adopt a similar approach to these conversations.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 02/02/2022 21:55

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow I want to be your friend 😂😂

I feel like we could happily share stories of our less than perfect parenting over a bottle of wine (before the kids are in bed obviously ROCK AND ROLL)

JanisMoplin · 02/02/2022 21:55

Heh. I totally know what you mean and you are very funny.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 02/02/2022 22:02

I dont really want to be your friend. I think those people are looking for some kind of reassurance that they're not crap, which you fail to see.

I mean, dont get me wrong, I dont want to end up as a therapist to a stranger about their parenting choices, so I dont tend to invite conversation at soft play etc. Also small talk with strangers bores the tits off me.

Original poster
ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 02/02/2022 23:03

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo When I've figured out the secret handshake we'll be golden Grin (maybe while watching some shooting stars reruns?)

BunsOfAnarchy Yeah, I'm sure some are and I should try and be more sympathetic of that. Lots of things I told myself I'd never do, but have done.

TheKeatingFive think I just needed to vent about it but not to the poor parent that thought I needed to know why their child watched TV last week.

OP posts:
chunkyBUTTsdonotlie · 02/02/2022 23:04

Some people really do care, like when I let my 6 month old eat a spicey Dorito off the grass at a school picnic. The women next to me nearly exploded. I was just impressed DD managed to worm herself over to it at speed 😂