To think there might not be any friendship after we graduate uni?

sonjadog · 02/02/2022 19:14

First and foremost, stop worrying about it. There is no way to predict who you will stay in touch with after uni, so just enjoy the here and now and don't waste your time worrying about what might happen.

People go there separate ways after uni, after changing jobs, after moving. Some friendships don't last when circumstances change and some do. It isn't always predictable which ones will and which won't. This is just the way life is.

WindyState · 02/02/2022 19:22

Ultimately you can't force people to be friends with you, and it's also rare for friendships to survive once the reason that you came together ceases for any great deal of time. People move away or stop doing a shared activity or whatever and slowly the friendship fizzles out.

You can't get too tied up about it. Just accept that sometimes some people are only in your life for a short amount of time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't important at the time.

Hawkins001 · 02/02/2022 19:25

@Ahsoka2001

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST -

I'm almost 21 and my friend is 22. We met during Freshers Week while looking for a lecture room (same course) and immediately seemed to click. We made each other laugh a lot and could hang out for ages just talking. She thought I was a "genius" at the course and we'd often do work together. However, on one occasion she said "I didn't become friends with you cause I really wanted to...it's just we happened to be looking for the same room." I asked why she stayed friends with me and others she hung around with if she was an introvert and she replied - "Well, I need some friends while I'm here."

Over summer, I noticed she was more distant. We'd never talk unless I reached out. I ended up not seeing her again till our first lecture of second year. I asked her what was going on - she said it was nothing to do with me and she's been avoiding people a lot the last few years. She found it hard to make friends as a child so doesn't like getting too close to people in adulthood; she's also been moving a lot so feels any effort put into a friendship will be wasted if she just has to leave them again.

Now...onto third year. She's got a lot better messaging me, but I've noticed she only seems to do so to ask me about work or ask to meet for a study session. I don't think she's using me (she never forces anything and I'm happy if it means I get to see her) but it makes me worry that when we graduate and don't have uni she won't have that incentive to talk to me anymore :(

Now, one thing I do have to mention is she's also been really struggling with her mental health this year. She has some kind of depression/anxiety and is on medication which has only made things worse at times. So that coupled with the introversion means it's probably really hard to talk to people - more so than 1st and 2nd year. Just adding this so everyone gets the full picture.

I can tell she genuinely likes me (she said once I'm probably the most genuine/kind person she knows) but in the end that may not matter if she prefers being on her own regardless. I've noticed she's a bit more proactive (sorry if that's not the right word) with people she's dating, but that's bad news for me - yes, I'm a guy, but I don't have any romantic feelings for her and doubt she does for me.

Yes, I've made a few other friends at uni and have kept in touch with ones from home so it's not like I'd have no support network after this. But I'd be upset regardless - I could have 50 friends and I'd still miss this one. Thanks so much for reading!

Bottom line, with all due respect, come graduation, you'll part ways and unless you make communication, then it's unlikely to last.

Original poster

Ahsoka2001 · 02/02/2022 19:25

@WindyState

Ultimately you can't force people to be friends with you, and it's also rare for friendships to survive once the reason that you came together ceases for any great deal of time. People move away or stop doing a shared activity or whatever and slowly the friendship fizzles out.

You can't get too tied up about it. Just accept that sometimes some people are only in your life for a short amount of time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't important at the time.

You're right of course. You can't force anyone to be friends with you and I'd never think I'm entitled to anyone's friendship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ahsoka2001 · 02/02/2022 19:27

@Hawkins001 Yeah, I know. The reason it lasted with my other friends was cause we all kept in touch but it'll be harder to do that with this friend for the reasons stated :/ Thanks for the honest answer.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2022 19:43

It's ok to be sad about it though! Just recognise that it's ultimately got to be a two way process, and she may not be able to give anything to it.

That said, you can always keep the door ajar with open ended offers and a Christmas text! Stuff like 'I'm down your way next month, fancy a coffee?'!

Original poster

Ahsoka2001 · 02/02/2022 19:46

@picklemewalnuts

It's ok to be sad about it though! Just recognise that it's ultimately got to be a two way process, and she may not be able to give anything to it.

That said, you can always keep the door ajar with open ended offers and a Christmas text! Stuff like 'I'm down your way next month, fancy a coffee?'!

Yeah, my feelings exactly. It's like a breakup - no one's entitled to a relationship, but who isn't upset if they're the one who wanted to stay together?

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 02/02/2022 19:46

[quote Ahsoka2001]@Hawkins001 Yeah, I know. The reason it lasted with my other friends was cause we all kept in touch but it'll be harder to do that with this friend for the reasons stated :/ Thanks for the honest answer.[/quote]
I still wish you all the best, but with some people I know that I went to uni with, when you see their e.g. Profiles photos updated ect then see who likes them it's hardly any of the people that were at uni with them, even when they were all part of a large group together.

Original poster

Ahsoka2001 · 02/02/2022 19:47

@picklemewalnuts

It's ok to be sad about it though! Just recognise that it's ultimately got to be a two way process, and she may not be able to give anything to it.

That said, you can always keep the door ajar with open ended offers and a Christmas text! Stuff like 'I'm down your way next month, fancy a coffee?'!

Also, I should mention that we're likely going to still be in the same town after graduation, so the "I'm down your way" might not work but great advice nonetheless.

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 20:21

I graduated 13 years ago.

In 13 years' time the chances are you will still be friends with some of your uni friends, and will have completely lost touch with others. It's impossible to predict who they will be.

One of my best friends now is someone I assumed I would probably lose touch with after uni. Another good friend is someone I wasn't even that close to at uni but have stayed friends with and become closer to over time. Another friend is someone I didn't see for over a decade but am now back in touch with. Other people I thought I'd be friends with forever are ancient history.

You can't predict who your long term friends will be. You will find out later.