To be honest or let it slide?

toastie2 · 2022-02-02T12:20:30+00:00

My closest friend has serious mental health problems and had a bad episode in December. She told me she needed some space from everyone. She had recently become a single parent to her two teenage children. I would normally drop by with gifts but this year I posted them as I sensed she didn't want visitors and I have the tracking to say they were signed for but never remarked on. I split from my OH two years ago and this was my first Christmas without my DD. I had expressed to my friend before that it was going to be difficult as I have no family nearby and would be alone for the first time. I sent her a text on Christmas Day wishing her a Merry Christmas and she didn't reply. She sent me a message this week letting me know that she's feeling a bit more like herself and wants to meet for coffee. I'm delighted about this as I've missed her terribly. I'm not entirely sure how its going to go and whether she'll acknowledge the things she missed when she was unwell. I understand she was really struggling but I had a really crappy time over the holidays too. If she doesn't bring it up, do I mention that I'm hurt by it or should I just be glad a dear friend is feeling better?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2022 12:22

Interesting. I'd hope for at least an acknowledgement of the gifts.

Maybe ask how her Christmas was?

Original poster

toastie2 · 02/02/2022 12:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Interesting. I'd hope for at least an acknowledgement of the gifts.

Maybe ask how her Christmas was?

I didn't mind at the time because I knew she was struggling but not even a text on the day really hurt me. Normally she's very thoughtful and generous.

I will be on eggshells for this meeting because I know it'll be tough for her but I'm worried about building resentment and snapping at her six months down the line.

OP posts:

FabriqueBelgique · 02/02/2022 12:30

It sounds like she’s quite self-aware in that she needs to withdraw to cope, and she was clear with you that’s what she needed to do. Mental illness is indescribable until you’ve experienced it. You need to give her a pass on not texting. You can still ask if she enjoyed the gifts.

catmg · 02/02/2022 12:31

Be honest in a gentle way? You matter too!

Frlrlrubert · 02/02/2022 12:31

I'd leave it.

What would you achieve by telling her how hurt you were/are? She was unwell, so unless you think she was less unwell than she made out and chose to let you down, it was beyond her control.

Even if you do think she could have done more and didn't, do you think saying so will have a positive impact on your friendship going forward?

switswooo · 02/02/2022 12:34

Ask her if she received the presents. She was rude not to acknowledge them.

RedskyThisNight · 02/02/2022 12:34

I wouldn't say I was hurt, but maybe ask her if she liked the gifts and say that you found Christmas hard, and see how she responds. If she's normally a good friend, and this is out of character, I would mostly err on the side of letting it go, I think.

Original poster

toastie2 · 02/02/2022 12:36

@RedskyThisNight

I wouldn't say I was hurt, but maybe ask her if she liked the gifts and say that you found Christmas hard, and see how she responds. If she's normally a good friend, and this is out of character, I would mostly err on the side of letting it go, I think.

This is a good shout just mentioning that it was hard and not that I'm disappointed I didn't hear from her at all. She was clear about needing space but I had thought she'd at least respond when she knew it was a tough day for me.

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Crazykatie · 02/02/2022 12:39

Knowing that she was unwell I wouldn’t comment on the omission, there are all sorts of reasons why she let it slip, certainly not a reason to let a friendship go.

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 13:00

What will you get from mentioning it? She can't change what's happened. It will make her feel bad when she's just starting to feel better so if she is normally a good, kind friend I would let it slide. Alternatively you could just ask if the presents were ok, just do it in a way that's not going to make her feel bad.

I would take it that when she's having a bad time you can't expect anything from her - you are not obliged to send presents but if you do you shouldn't expect a thank you, if you send a text you shouldn't expect one back. I think if you can accept that those things are totally beyond her when she is having a bad time then you can appreciate the good times and won't feel bad about the situation.

Of course if she just picks you up and drops you while using her MH as a convenient excuse, is generally flaky and rude then that's different and probably time to reconsider the whole friendship.

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 13:03

Also I think if she was having a bad time then the last thing she probably felt like she could deal with was you having a tough time.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/02/2022 13:03

I don't think you need to make a decision now, see how it goes when you talk. Asking if she received the gifts might make her apologize herself anyway.

TheRoundOne · 02/02/2022 13:04

IDK if you've seen it but the counterpart of this thread was on here a few days ago from someone who cut off all their friends and acquaintances and now wants to get back in touch with them. Might be worth searching for it and reading as it might give you an insight into your friend's feelings - it was called AIBU on my MH apology tour.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/02/2022 13:13

I would mention that you found Christmas difficult and it was hard being away from your daughter for the first time and lonely or whatever. But not that you felt hurt by her behaviour, which she probably couldn't help and may make her feel worse.

If she asks about it and is sympathetic and seems supportive as she can be now (even though its after the event) then I think that's probably all you can ask for her.

If she is now feeling better but doesn't acknowledge your feelings at all or swings the conversation straight back round to her 'yes but I had an awful time too, x happened to me' then I think that's the time to say something as it would seem your friendship has got or is stuck down roles of you providing and her needing support. And I think that's when a 'it's not all about you, I need support sometimes too' conversation is needed

MatildaTheCat · 02/02/2022 13:23

Firstly I’ve never suffered from mental illness but from what I’ve seen and read one of the key features is to be unable to focus on the needs of others (excepting own children or very obvious obligations to elderly relatives etc). There’s just no capacity. She’s you best friend so I think you have to accept that as part of this episode. She probably can’t remember even. Unfortunately when someone is unwell you can’t rely on their support, you have to reach out elsewhere.

Meet and chat. Make sure it’s about both of you, not just her otherwise it’s not an equal, friendly meeting. I probably wouldn’t even mention the gifts, it would only make her feel awkward.

Hopefully you’ll have a nice time and in the future she will support you in hard times.

WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 13:39

My mum has MH issues.
Once they’re triggered she becomes very selfish and the worst thing about it is that although she could have called you horrible names, stolen off you, been violent - just acted awfully, afterwards she won’t acknowledge it and she’ll just say she was ill.
To me that’s worse than the actual things she’s done.

So from my experience, no I wouldn’t say anything as I don’t think you’ll get the answer you want.

Pillowaddict · 02/02/2022 14:31

She has serious MH issues and you were having a hard time, the two are incomparable. Serious MH episodes require all of that person's energy to care for themselves and any immediate dependents. I'm sure she cares deeply for you but I'm afraid it would have been beyond her capacity to organise herself to see you, speak to you or even thank you for gifts. Of course I can only speak from personal experience here, but I can tell you that I love my close friends but when I'm having a down period I can barely manage to engage and care for my own children and immediate family, even a text or call is too much for me due to lack of energy and raised anxiety. I'm sorry you were also having a hard time, and I'm certain she is too, but I'm glad you've decided not to raise it as it may only make her feel incredibly guilty, and it wouldn't change your experience of Christmas. Let her know how happy you are to see her and how much she means to you instead.

Original poster

toastie2 · 02/02/2022 15:03

@Tal45

What will you get from mentioning it? She can't change what's happened. It will make her feel bad when she's just starting to feel better so if she is normally a good, kind friend I would let it slide. Alternatively you could just ask if the presents were ok, just do it in a way that's not going to make her feel bad.

I would take it that when she's having a bad time you can't expect anything from her - you are not obliged to send presents but if you do you shouldn't expect a thank you, if you send a text you shouldn't expect one back. I think if you can accept that those things are totally beyond her when she is having a bad time then you can appreciate the good times and won't feel bad about the situation.

Of course if she just picks you up and drops you while using her MH as a convenient excuse, is generally flaky and rude then that's different and probably time to reconsider the whole friendship.

The only thing I would get from mentioning it is that I'm worried if I didn't I would end up with some built up resentment.

She normally is good when she's well.

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Original poster

toastie2 · 02/02/2022 15:06

@TheRoundOne

IDK if you've seen it but the counterpart of this thread was on here a few days ago from someone who cut off all their friends and acquaintances and now wants to get back in touch with them. Might be worth searching for it and reading as it might give you an insight into your friend's feelings - it was called AIBU on my MH apology tour.

Yes, that's kind of what inspired me asking!

I know when she's unwell she can't even lift her phone or get out of bed so I don't want to expect too much from her. I had a hard time and could have really used some contact with my best friend during it but as others have said that might just make her feel guilty.

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Ukelelele · 12/11/2022 21:19

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