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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Organising hen party

30 replies

Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 11:47

This is the first time I'm organising a hen party so maybe this is normal. There's only 10 of us including the bride to be so I thought it would be fairly easy. We all agreed on the date and activity in January and I told everyone how much it would cost and everyone all confirmed their agreement. So I booked it, paid for it and then sent a message asking the others to reimburse me. I then had messages from 5 of them saying things like 'oh have you paid already? This month is tight for me' and 'I didn't realise we would have to pay now, can I pay you at the end of the month?'. I thought it would be fairly obvious that payment would have to be made at the time of booking. Anyway I wasn't going to fall out with them over it so I said payment at the end of the month would be fine. We are now in Feb and only 1 of the 5 have paid me back so far. I sent a message to the other 4 yesterday but so far none of them have replied. The hen do is next month but I'm not willing to sub anyone until then. AIBU? or is this normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 11:48

Just to add I'm feeling very stressed about it as I don't want to fall out with anyone over it - I don't even know 3 of them!

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 02/02/2022 11:52

Start a group WhatsApp for everyone and put a general could the three people who weren't able to pay until January payday please ensure they have effected their transfers as my credit card/mortgage is now due and I need reimbursement ASAP to cover that. Thanks.

Then if they don't I would name and shame them!

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 11:54

People are cheeky fuckers when it comes to things like this.

Can you get a refund if you cancel? I'd be inclined to send a group message saying you can't afford to be out of pocket so if those who haven't paid yet don't pay today you'll have no choice but to cancel.

Original poster
Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 11:58

Yes, I can get a refund. I wasn't sure how much longer to give them as my last message was only 24 hours ago - although I can see that they've all read it.

It's even more awkward because one of them is the sister of the bride!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/02/2022 12:00

YABU to have taken the financial risk: always get funds in the bank before booking! If people won’t pay and that limits options, plans need to change.

Loopytiles · 02/02/2022 12:02

I would check with the place(s) you’ve booked with what the cancellation terms and conditions are, and if you would recoup all or most of your money, would tell the others that if they don’t provide funds by X date, you’ll cancel the booking.

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 12:03

Tell the bride if it's her sister.
It shouldn't be your responsibility to organise things when it's her friends and family messing you around.

shouldistop · 02/02/2022 12:04

Always get the money first. Not that it helps to now of course.

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 12:05

Just to clarify, they're the ones in the wrong here. You wouldn't need to chase them if they weren't messing you around. Don't feel guilty about following up/causing trouble when they're the ones trying it on.

Aprilx · 02/02/2022 12:14

@Catbell82

Yes, I can get a refund. I wasn't sure how much longer to give them as my last message was only 24 hours ago - although I can see that they've all read it.

It's even more awkward because one of them is the sister of the bride!

YANBU to want paying, of course not, but you should have collected the money first or booked on a deposit only basis (if possible). If you can cancel for refund I would do that now, after one last request with a final payment date
Original poster
Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 12:40

I've definitely learnt by lesson and will ask for payment upfront next time! It's partly my own fault also for agreeing to let them pay me back later...

OP posts:
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 02/02/2022 12:43

When I organised a hen I did ages in advance with a payment schedule so people could pay in instalments and not all at once, and had time to save.

LagunaBubbles · 02/02/2022 12:47

So I booked it, paid for it and then sent a message asking the others to reimburse

Sadly thats your big mistake. I would do like someone suggested, a whats app group chat so everyone can see and say you will have to cancel if money isn't paid by a certain time.

Mufflette · 02/02/2022 12:53

I think YAB a little U. It's fair enough telling people how much they'll need to pay but you should have also let them know when. If people thought they needed to pay on the day or nearer the time they might have planned their budget based on that but not be able to suddenly afford to pay earlier than they'd expected to.

Mufflette · 02/02/2022 12:55

I do sympathise though, organising a hen do can be far too stressful!

girlmom21 · 02/02/2022 12:56

@Mufflette

I think YAB a little U. It's fair enough telling people how much they'll need to pay but you should have also let them know when. If people thought they needed to pay on the day or nearer the time they might have planned their budget based on that but not be able to suddenly afford to pay earlier than they'd expected to.
But then they asked if they could pay at a specific time, OP said yes and they still haven't paid
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2022 12:57

Whenever I book anything, I always say "I need X by Date" and then book after I've got everyone's money in.

However as they've all confirmed then yes they should pay.

Original poster
Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 13:06

@Mufflette
The thing is I've already paid so I'm not sure why it's fair for me to be out of pocket. Personally I would have thought that it would have been obvious that payment would need to be made at the time of booking. It's the kind of activity that has to be booked in advance and has to be paid at the time of booking.
I'm wishing I hadn't offered to organise it :-(

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/02/2022 13:24

Did you tell them you would be booking?

If someone messaged me and said "thinking of doing X for the hen, it costs £50, let me know if you fancy it" and I'd sent back "yes sounds good" or similar, pk I'd anticipate paying the money at some point, but I'd also expect to be notified that you were now booking and would need the money by X date

If its a generic "who fancies this" I've no idea if others have also agreed, if it will go ahead, when it's being booked.

Original poster
Catbell82 · 02/02/2022 13:51

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I set up a whatsapp group so we were all discussing it together. I didn't specifically say 'i'm going to book it now' but we all agreed on date, time and location. I said in the group 'I'm planning on booking the activity for x time and dinner for x time afterwards' and asked everyone to confirm they were ok with that and they all said yes. So maybe I should have actually said 'I'm booking it now' rather than assuming that's what was just agreed

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 02/02/2022 13:55

It's normal but I would be very stressed too, it's a thankless task honestly.

Original poster
Catbell82 · 07/02/2022 17:38

So a bit of an update to this. Everyone has now paid me back except one. I sent her 2 messages which she ignored so I just sent a third one saying I need payment by this Friday. She didn’t reply but instead called the bride saying that she can’t pay me back until next Friday and if it’s ok! I want to say no as feel like she’s taking the piss. She first agreed to the end of Jan, then she ignored my messages & has gone straight to the bride instead, which I find odd. Am I out of order to say she either pays by this Friday or I cancel her booking??

OP posts:
Dreamstate · 07/02/2022 17:43

Just give her that one more chance but make it clear that it'll be cancelled if it doesn't come by that fri

poetryandwine · 07/02/2022 17:57

It is weird that the last holdout has gone directly to the bride, but I guess that means the bride came to you? So it gave you the perfect chance to update her on the situation.

It is wrong that you should have to carry The Holdout any longer, but if you can afford to I agree with @Dreamstate. Having updated the bride and warned The Holdout, if she doesn’t pay by the new deadline you can cancel her booking with no qualms (or if the others think that harsh, suggest that they sub her).

SC215 · 07/02/2022 18:10

How much money are we talking? £50 or more?

You should have told people the cost, and when the payment would be needed, with a few paydays notice. Not everyone has spare cash to pay things with less than a month's notice.

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